Temporary Place to Stay, please advice Options

[needsupport]

Hello and hi everyone... I'm new here...

I need suggestions and advice. For a background, I have a mother that bullies me for as long as I can remember. One of my brothers bullies me too. When I try to point it out, my parents will just brush it off and say just ignore him. If you have read about narcissistic mothers- that's what my mum is.

Cut the long story short, met someone. He was totally sympathetic with my situation. Always caring. I trust him with everything I had. We got married after facing objections (and verbal abuses and more bullying along the way) for few years.

He changed after marriage. I start to become confused. He never seem to be able to compliment me. He likes to undermine me and talk about how so and so wife is great and things along that line. He's not gentleman anymore. He start to demand that I "obey" him. This really shocks me because the very reason I married him is that he told me he is against old traditions blabla and he believes in being kind to wife etc. He would also contradict what he says. I was very slim and attractive, never fail to get attention from any guy without even trying. He will tell me I need to fatten up. He said I'm just bones. I felt so confused and sad because other guys seem to appreciate my looks? I even really spend my energy to be slim and fit and all that and he dont find it attractive at all (this all after marriage). He told me I must fatten up, because thin is ugly and fat is very beautiful. I beg him and pleaded and said it took me alot of effort to stay in this shape and I did all that to please him? He said if you love me then fatten up. I said but I KNOW myself. I KNOW I am the kind who will look ugly when fat. Again he said if you love me you will fatten up, just let me see how you look when you are fat. He forced me to eat more, bring home lots of heavy heavy food and make sure I finish them. Soon enough I became chubbier and people start to make fun of me "Wow youre so fat now. Very happy marriage eh?;)"

I was terribly sad with the comments and so told my husband about it. Shockingly, he said yeah you're fat- in a way and tone that says I'm ugly because I am fat. I told him he did this to me, he was the one who forced me to eat? That he did not like how I was thin? He flat out denied it and said no way! No way in hell does he like fat women!! He only like thin women. He would never want his wife to be fat!

I let it go then confronted it again and tried to remind him what he said and how he would bring me lots of heavy food and forced me to eat because he wants to see me fat. After trying many times, he changed his tone and this time he said, "Oh come on! I'm just kidding! I wouldnt want you to be fat! Cant you take jokes??" Even calling me psycho many times.

All this just hurt so bad. How can something like that be a joke to him?

I could add more to the story but it will be too long then.

Cut it short, I'm thinking to leave sometimes soon or in future. Whenever I stood up, he would twist the story and say I am psycho, I may be having my period soon, or that I am having an affair so that is why I want a "fight". I would reply saying, I consider this is a very important issue that's why I'm bringing it up. He would say he is VERY sure there is "someone" I'm seeing and he will prove that to me. When I try to state that its not true, he will say oh ok so I'm that bad huh? If you're not happy with me, why not just divorce huh?

He say that all the time and whenever he say that I'm stuck. Because firstly, I dont have income. Secondly, he knows I cannot go back to my mean family. Thirdly, I have no genuine reliable friends-N Mum and Nfamily has successfully sabotage any friendships I have to the point I would just not let myself go near any human being because of fear of being humiliated by NMum in front of them. Plus, hubby himself has successfully made me not able to connect with old friends by his own tactics. Ditto with relatives. No one dares to help me because they would get serious backlash from NMum.

Basically, I'm alone. All alone.

If I am very true to myself, I stay with hubby because I figured its better than living with NMum. But each day I am slowly becoming a shell- with no friends, no activities, no recognition.........

And to be more true to myself, I stay in this marriage instead of leaving because I have nowhere to go.

But I've started to think that maybe there IS hope.

I just need a place where I can stay temporarily until I get on my own feet. I am wondering if such place exist? Is there anyone on this board who is going through the same thing or has experience in this? Please advise. Any advise will do.

I have to admit I am just trying my luck here. If I'm honest, I would not write here for fear of not getting any support.... but I reasoned, its ok. At least I should just try.... Who knows, I might get lucky this time....

Thanks for listening everyone............. and sorry for the long long story

[meiteoh]

I think there are places like AWAM where they can give you some support and such on the matter. But really, why can't you stay on YOUR OWN instead of with your mum or your HB? Why not look for a job and get a divorce/move out?

Not having an income is not a big deal - just find a job. No family to go back to - then stay alone. No friends to help you - never mind, work harder on your own and make new friends. As long as you have the will, there will always be a way.

IMHO, if my HB were to treat me the way your HB treats you, I would have packed up and left; not stay and try to psycho myself into thinking that there is hope that he'll change and all that.

[Apekjolly]

needsupport,

I got the feeling that your husband is "up to something fishy", and that's why he wants a divorce. Perhaps he has found a new woman or something.

Since you didn't mention anything about you having a child or pregnant, I assume you're in neither situation. That should make things much easier if you are thinking about a divorce. Right now, one important thing is that, if you're not very sure about wanting to go on with the man you're married to now, you must avoid getting pregnant (I believe he still sleeps with you).

Judging from your English, I believe you have acquired quite a good education. With that kind of English, I think you'd have no problem getting a job. Once you got a job, the world is yours while you'd be also in full control of your own life. Then you can kick out all the bullies in you life and tell them to go to hell. You're now the master of your own fate and nobody should dictate to you what to do.

[ceetee]

needsupport,

i think the very 1st thing you need is to be financially independent.... to rely on him to feed you give him the POWER to bully you...

I know it's too late to say this but i think you should take this time as lesson not to trust anyone completely next. Your HB can dislike your friends or your family members, but you have your clear mind to decide for yourself whether they are really as bad as he thinks.... To be completely isolated from friends & family enables him to control your life like now....

If you really cannot find a temporary place to stay, do stay put there & get a job. Make new friends, get a new life..... soon when you are more independant, then only move out.

[CFA]

Go to the Women's Aid Organisation website and contact them for help.

http://www.wao.org.my/



Address:

P.O. Box 493 Jalan Sultan
46760 Petaling Jaya
Selangor Darul Ehsan
Malaysia.

WAO Centre:+60 3 7957 5636 / 0636
Fax:+60 3 7956 3237

Email: wao@po.jaring.my

Counselling Line:+60 3 7956 3488 +60 3 7960 3030
Good luck.

[aisumomo]

i agree with whats been said so far.
you have to be financially independent in the current situation to make a change.
u've got to be willing to make the jump. it can be scary but im sure if u want it bad enough u can.
everyone is afraid of leaving their comfort zone. in your case i think you're better off leaving as
your current comfort zone is more like a field of landmines waiting to blow with each step taken.

you have to believe that you can do it n make it work.
coz as it seems you're at a lack of support from peers n family.
do know you will always have us here for moral support or just someone to share with.
The first step is always the hardest. the thing is not to stop, look back or fall back.
one step at a time n u will find ur moving off further ahead n each step lighter then the one before.

[sakana]

Eh, i can say these ppl are "no-balls". Shame on them!

Go to AWAM, WAO to get support. There are Bar Council Legal Aid Center, Biro Bantuan Guaman (http://www.elawyer.com.my/blog/legal-aid-b...an-in-malaysia/) - which have lawyers to provide free legal advise. Also Befrienders. Get a shelter and get out of that place. As long you're in that place - you will not get the courage to do anything. Love yourself above everyone!

WAO, AWAM can help in terms of counseling - and help push you to start being financial independent. Never be shameful of what happen to you - their existance is a proof that women being abused. Good luck!

(http://www.bbg.gov.my/index.php/wp-kuala-lumpur)
Puan Sayani Mohd Noor
Pengarah
Biro Bantuan Guaman Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur
Tingkat 2, Menara EON Bank
Jalan Raja Laut
50504 KUALA LUMPUR
No Telefon : 03-26942700
No Faksimili : 03-26940040
Emel : \n puuwp@bheuu.gov.my
\n sayani@bheuu.gov.my


Puan Noor Sakinah Binti Haroon Ara Shid
Pengarah
Biro Bantuan Guaman Negeri Selangor
Tingkat 6, Plaza Perangsang,
Persiaran Perbandaran
40000 SHAH ALAM
Selangor
No Telefon : 03-55106192 / 03-55106298
No Faksimili : 03-55190846
Emel : \n puusel@bheuu.gov.my

[gal289]

hi needsupport,

Was wondering how things are going with ya.... do update us on how you're doing okay?