Should I marry him?, Depressed Options

[elyn]

I have been together with him for 5 years and we decided to get married end of this year. Everything is already prepared and our ROM will be on this coming Sat. I feel very depressed and dont feel like married him. We had a fight last Friday. We went back to his house and about 9pm, i asked him whether want to go back already or not because I feel sleepy. He was not happy and on the way back he said i very selfish. I angry and drive myself to my brother's house to sleep without informing him. Actually, i have been not sleeping well for the past few months as I really dont know whether we should get married or not. I have been thinking to fong hei our relationship but till now I still with him. On Sunday morning when I was at home, I told him that I not feeling well and he just ignore me....I cried and he came to my room and scolded me...He said if I'm so capable, pack all my clothes to my brother's house and never come back. I am from Malacca and just came to KL to work for a year because of him. We have been stayed together for 1 year and during this time, we always have disagreement. I feel very sad and really dont know what should I do. I dont want to regret for the rest of my life by signing the paper this coming Sat.

[janetlls]

Hi Elyn,

Getting married is a very BIG step. Don't get married just because you have been together for very long. Make sure you are ready. Talk to your friends or your family before doing any harsh actions. You also need to know why your boyfriend suddenly changed. Maybe he is still adjusting to having you around everyday.

Legal procedures to get divorce after you are married are not easy. Consider properly before you sign.

[Piggiemily]

Elyn, I feel sorry for you. But, put aside the money and the preparations first. Think of whether he is the one. Why did you both came to an agreement to get married the first place.

[mhyap1]

elyn,

just call me bad or whatsoever... but my advice is don't ROM if you are doubts that he is the one. you'll regret it.

it's cheap to sign the paper but it's expensive to tear that paper away and regain your singlehood...

[elyn]

We have been together for a long time and have plan for the wedding for a long time. Since we stay together, there are a lot of disagreements. He is a smoker. He has promised me to quit smoking since we first know each other but till today he still smoking. I feel very bad whenever I wake up or came back from work, I can smell. I have the feeling that he concern more about his family members than me. I am alone at KL and dont have many friends here. Even if I want to go somewhere, I need him to bring me as I am not familiar with the road here. I feel very bad of myself like to depends on him.

[Piggiemily]

Elyn, whatever it is... like wat mhyap1 has commented, me too would suggest u hold on to the ROM date until u have solved all your unhappy issues. Your hubby probably takes you for granted since you are very dependent to him. If smoking is an issue to you might as well bring it up all your unhappiness all this while once and for all since you can't tolerate it.

What u need to be concern now is think of the future and not the pass 5 years. For the wellbeing of yourself and your kids, its a decision u have to make.

[mhyap1]

yup elyn. from the way you put it. it sounds like your FH is taking you for granted.. there's a chinese saying "if you can depend on man, then even the pig can climb the tree"... seriously, if smoking is really an issue to you, why are you still stick around him...? isn't you wasting your time...? he have promised you that he'll quit smoking when you both 1st met. and if he is serious with his promise, he could have quit smoking 5 years back. if deep inside you really think and hope that he'll quit smoking one day... when do you think your wish will be come true.. when is that "one day" will arrive??!! tommorrow? next month? or years later..?

[meiteoh]

I have to say this: people only think of breaking up when they are very VERY unhappy and when things don't seem to be salvagable (can't be saved at all).

Five years is a very long time to quit smoking and if a man truly loves you (and himself), he would change for the best. (This doesn't mean that you marry someone and work on changing him, k? He has to want to change!

Do not get married just because it's only natural to do so after being together for so long. People change, circumstanes change. If you have any doubts, it is advisable to just delay your plans and take some time out to think if this is what you really want.

Can you live with someone who doesn't fulfil his promises? Can you live with someone who kicks out his future wife just like that (meaning no control over his temper)?

Beware of the man who has a temper OR bad habit (smoking/gambling) and a loose tongue - that's what I have noticed from a lot of people - our generation and my parent's as well.

[Kathie]

This is not a joke elyn. Since ur ROM is on this Sat, really hv to think properly. But I know is very diff to voice out cos u wil never know tat whether ur decision is right not.....I have went thru this dilemma b4 & understand wat & how u feel. But all hv to depands on urself.... watever decision u make, u hv to face it in future...NEVER ever hv a chance to regret! May GOD bless & guide u thru the darkness...all the best!

[christycws]

Elyn,

I can't give you any comments about your problem. Cause i'm not really know in depth about how's the relationship in between u and your BF.

But, may be i can share my situation to you.
I have done my ROM on 04.03.07. At the time we have decided to ROM and wanna reserve the date for it, i was start feeling uncomfortable. I feeling scare cause dunno whether is it the right choice. We wanna try whether we are the right person to stay together or not, so we r staying together for the past 1 yr. Within tis 1 year, we always have arguement too. That's y i was worried a lot about dunno how worst of my relationship will be after ROM. I sit down and discuss with him about what we should do for our future life to avoid arguement like previously (but i never let him know that i scare to marry a wrong person until today). After the discussion, i only told myself that i shouldn't look backwards anymore, i should only look forward and plan for my future life. So i'm just carry on what we should do. We go for ROM at the end.

One thing is i never expected...... After the ROM, our relationship turn to become very much better than previously. We have lesser arguement. Even when we fight, we never fight like last time anymore. When we have different opinion for a issue, we will just keep silent and cool down. After we cool down only we solve the issue. After ROM, no matter wat we going to do, we will get each other permission or opinion before we make the decision. I think because of this, we are respecting to each other, tis cause us got lesser arguement now.

My hubby always tell me about tis "We r husband and wife relationship, we have the very long long way to go in the future, we have to stay together until we die, so no matter what i going to do, I must get the opinion from you to make sure i would not hurt you or make you not happy. Then only we can keep our relationship in good until we die ".

I think all tis words have become our vision for staying together.

Hopes tis may help u to get some hints lor....

[mhyap1]

elyn,

make your own decision wisely. we can't help you to make the final decesion though. some of us here might advise you not to go to ROM but the others might say the other way. the more you read the more confused you'll be. i might advise you not to ROM. but am not in your shoe. so things is easy for me to be say than done...

just ask yourself what you truly want and don't regret the decision that you have make later...

[enid]

elyn,

Ask yrself .. Do U want to marry him? A huge step. We only can advice u.. but in the end, U the one make the big decision. No one knows better your bf except U. Hv a heart talk. I understand U alone- no friends,relatives in KL . U not alone when come across this. I guess all yr family will support yr final decision. If u not comfy with the ideas of marriage, just dont go ahead. Like my mom, everything settled but she back off the last minute when going for ROM & wedding. Imagine all invitations cards already sent out and dinner.The wedding call off.She so brave. Somemore she in 70s. A lot of bad mouths etc. She never regret she make the decision.
I cant stand smoking habit. So none of my past bfs smoker. If he truly love u, he will change his habit long time ago. If not, he expecting you to accept him in reality. Elyn, U not alone. I think most of MB girls... a lot of them leaving their hometown to stay near the hb or bfs. Just bcos love sick. They not familiar with surroundings, no friends, no relatives. Thats y we hv gathering in sin. Make friends frm malaysia etc. Like me, I dun hv a single friends,family,relatives and far frm hometown. I make up my choice and sometimes very sad.. I feel I alone whenever my hb not around or go to work. I totally depending on him for the first year. He think I paranoid and he get frustrated when I too much depending on him. We have a huge fight. I get bully at work.Feeling like pack my bags and go home to penang. But I tell myself, I can do it. I can survived and I proved it. You can too,elyn. Ppl dun make effort talk to u, U go talk to them. Show yr bf, without him.. U can SURVIVE!

[booklover]

Hi Elyn, after reading your description of what happened, perhaps it is better if you sit down and discuss with your fiance because both of you don't seem to see eye to eye at all. Only after talking it over then you will feel more comfortable to make a decision whether you want to proceed with your registration/marriage.

[jean_jj]

Hi Elyn,

I suppose every girl would have the same fear nearing the ROM date. If you are really not sure if you should sign the paper on saturday.... maybe you should postpone it? Ask urself why you really wants to marry him. For the fact that YOU can stand him being a smoker for 5 years (thou giving u blank promises to quit it) ?? Well I just felt that this may not be the main reason. Whatever it is... only youself knows the underlying reason. Like what others have suggested.... think about it and discuss it with your FH. Afterall marriage is a 2 person thing, share with him all your doubts n worries.

ALL THE BEST!!

[dwt]

I second postponing your ROM and working out your issues within yourself and with your fiance before signing the dotted line....I am sure you are very confused now and the ROM being this Saturday will only add on unnecessary pressure......

[Piggiemily]

Elyn,

My wish to you is take good care of yourself and all the best. May God bless you with wisdom and courage to go through this.

[elyn]

Hi All,

Thanks you very much...I feel better after reading all your suggestion and advice. I think I know what I should do....
Will keep you all updated once I have made the decision.

[b_e_tan]

Elyn,

Glad to hear that you feel better now. When having problems, ppl tense to think of those "bad" things only. Just my opinion, probably, you should get a piece of paper and think of his good side as well other than those you are not able to tolerate with. I am sure he has some good points which can make you to be together with him for 5 years. Think of it seriously and follow with a discussion with him. Take care.

[joeyjoe]

Elyn, i suppose all of us have heard of how difficult it is to quit smoking, esp someone who has been smoking all his life! I dunno how long it would take for someone to quit, or rather.. will he ever quit at all? Day in day out we hear ppl tried so hard to quit, only to go back to smoking after they cannot tahan the urge.. I also dunno whether it's wise to use the time factor to judge if your FH is sincere about quitting or pakai cakap only.. maybe only you would know/can see if he's really putting in effort to quit.

As for my hubby, he's a heavy smoker before we went steady. On the 1st day we went on date officially, I casually mentioned that I dislike smokers coz I cant stand the smell of it (cant breathe properly) and also that it's bad for the health - not only his own health but oso those around him (2nd hand smokers).. to my surprise (I really didnt expect this).. he told me he'll quit smoking. Of course I didnt take it seriously bcoz i heard a lot of ppl failed to quit... esp for a heavy smoker like him... He smoked more than 20 ciggies a day if I am not mistaken, due to his work nature that requires him to work the night shift, therefore he smoked to keep himself awake.

He went back home to tell his family tht he's quitting and they all laughed at him, knowing how much he smokes all these years.. they even said.. fine.. if we ever catch you smoking.. kena fine RM10 per ciggie.. and his bro even tempted him with ciggies and all.. surprisingly.. he has not touched any ciggie from our 1st date!!! Yes.. he stopped just like that. This is something I'm very proud of him as I know it's not an easy task...

[Bettylhh]

Eyln,

I also think that u shd sit down to discuss abt your problem with your bf, if you r uncomfortable with this coming sat ROM, postpone it then until u come to a decision. I had a friend also complain abt her husband smoking and drinking habits (i know your bf only hav smoking problem). He smokes alot daily and he loves to drink with his friends, at least once or twice a week. B4 their r married, she seems ok with his habits .. but now they argue so much on this matter. He has been coughing for a yr and my friend ask him to quit these two bad habits for his health and daughter (daughter only 2 yrs old)sake, but he just ignored and continue with it. I feel so pity for my friend so i try to b there for her when she need a shoulder to cry on.

[meiteoh]

I wonder how is elyn doing.

[elyn]

I wonder how is elyn doing.

hi meiteoh, i am fine

hi bettylhh, in fact our ROM is not on this Sat...is end of April.

I have sat down and discuss with him and finally we were registered end of April. I really hope that I wont regret for the rest of my life. Anyway, I am still trying my best now to force him to quit smoking although i know it's a bit hard. Although he never smoke in front of me. I feel very sad everytime i smell the bau...

[meiteoh]

Keep trying. My dad quit smoking after I was born (coz I had a heart problem) and that took my mum around six years!

Well, now that you have gone ahead with it, don't think about possibility of regrets. Live life as though you'll have no regrets. *hugs*

[stpeiyee]

my hb was not a smoker when we were together, the most is the occasional smoker. but now due to peer influence, he become a smoker already. i m sad, hurt n disappointed. he even dare to smoke in the house! in my presence by closing the room door while i was watching tv in living room. i m at wits end.

but a guy who used to like me can quit his smoking within a day! wat is love then? loves me means can quit smoking? loves me means can become smoker n yet claim to love me? i dunno lah...

[chongsw]

It is not easy to quit smoking. Imagine those who began to smoke during his/her secondary school days. Asking him to quit smoking with the statement "Quit smoking if you love me!". Sometimes they might just counter you with the "Allow me to smoke if you love me!"

Smoking is addictive. You want your hubby to stop smoking, give him support and encouragement. Not by just giving the "Quit smoking if you love me!" kind of thing. Threatening won't work. Every men has ego.

Joey's hubby's case is rare, really. My cousin started to smoke when he was a kid quit smoking. Not for his wife but for his children. He is the only bread winner in the family. Staying in KL for better income and going back to see his children fortnightly. He wants to save the money he spent on smoking for his children.

[joeyjoe]

Joey's hubby's case is rare, really. My cousin started to smoke when he was a kid quit smoking. Not for his wife but for his children. He is the only bread winner in the family. Staying in KL for better income and going back to see his children fortnightly. He wants to save the money he spent on smoking for his children.

Yes, I must admit that hubby's case is really rare. He was so determined to please me he did it.. and it's for his own sake oso lar! Only one downside to this - he grew so fatttttt after tht! Hahahaha.. he used to be this thin, tall guy.. then his stomach got bloated.. lama-lama, his stomach is like 3 months' pregnant.. now he's 6 months pregnant!! Wonder if he'll deliver anything out 3 months later?!!!

His younger bro who was staying with us last time also tried to stop smoking upon seeing hubby quit. I suppose his wife sort of "forced" him to quit, thinking that if my hubby can quit because of me, then her hubby should quit too because of her.. well.. the result? He stopped smoking for 1-2 weeks, only to resume smoking thereafter. 1stly, he cant fight off the urge to smoke.. 2ndly, he hates it when he got fatter after quitting!!! So now, he is still smoking, just tht he tries to smoke outside the house now. They have a 4 yr old kid now.

My dad was a smoker too - for dunno how many puluh tahun oredi.. then he quitted more than 10 yrs ago. Stopped drinking too - he used to have this kaki minum gang every weekend.. not drink until mabuk and create problems tht kind lar, just drink and be merry tht kind of group lor.. but he quit on his own accord some time back when one day he coughed and there's blood.. and at one time he also had heart problem..

Just curious... if your bf/hubby is a smoker.. when you ppl kiss, can really smell the smoke smell ar??? I will choke whenever surrounded by ppl smoking ler!

[cutiem627]

Just curious... if your bf/hubby is a smoker.. when you ppl kiss, can really smell the smoke smell ar??? I will choke whenever surrounded by ppl smoking ler!
[/quote]

YES!!! thats y my hubby get ready with his mint candies/chewing gums....

[mhyap1]

my friend told me that her dad used to be a smoker too... but her dad quit smoking for the sake of the children. it's really hard for him to quite smoking then as his dad smoke since the teens age.. but in the end his dad manage to quits afterall. how he quit...? well, not sure true or not lar... my friend told me that his dad bought lots of apple and ke always keep some apples around him. whenever he crave for the cigars, he'll eat the apple.....