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GDL - pin kam arguement

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My FH and I did quarreled once for this pin kam matter. But end up he gave in when he understood my explanation. My mother did not tell us the sum she wants but my FH finalize with me to give RM6888 and 5 tables plus my personal agreement with my mom the total ang pow for the bride side will be given to her. As I know the pin kam will be used to buy things for me and FH, so ending up all the money is given back to us in another way. I do not want to burden my parents to fork in money to prepare my wedding and those jewelleries for me and FH. FH and I do not want to burden either our family side, do not want them to fork out money for our wedding as they have given too much to grow us up.

So I think perhaps don't look too burden into this Pin Kam as in the end it returns back to you.

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My FH and I did quarreled once for this pin kam matter. But end up he gave in when he understood my explanation. My mother did not tell us the sum she wants but my FH finalize with me to give RM6888 and 5 tables plus my personal agreement with my mom the total ang pow for the bride side will be given to her. As I know the pin kam will be used to buy things for me and FH, so ending up all the money is given back to us in another way. I do not want to burden my parents to fork in money to prepare my wedding and those jewelleries for me and FH. FH and I do not want to burden either our family side, do not want them to fork out money for our wedding as they have given too much to grow us up.

So I think perhaps don't look too burden into this Pin Kam as in the end it returns back to you.

hi sheryl

it'll be good, of course, if you mom will return some of the rm6888 pinkam to you...for my case, i think my mom will just keep. She already told us she wants to travel to Europe, Japan, etc..with dad..she wants to enjoy while she's still healthy.

It's nice for some parents to accept the pinkam + free tables but dont take dinner angpows. Then the couple can use all angpows collected to settle restaurant bill. For mine, all angpows from bride side she'll keep. So..wat to do? Hubby and I need to prepare ourselves for more credit card debt!

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My mum also ask for ten tables and want to keep all the angpow but we are having our recep at sunway hotel and if she take all the angpow means my hubby and I have to bear ard 10k which is totally ridiculos.

I'm sad because my hubby is the eldest plus his father not ard ady, she should understand that my hubby got very huge burden ady plus, we staying in new hse ady..

My mom wan 10k to pay for other stuff but she should spend more wisely I think!

Even the catering plus canopy is 2k++, I think she tink my hubby print money wan..

I'm upsat because I go to college wif a scholarship and I grew up with my aunt and grandparents, how can she demand so much from my hubby.. I told my hubby dun tell my MIL about the amt otherwise I dun want my MIL to say/think negatively on me! Eventually, my hubby and I decided to give her 4888 or 5888 anything greater also out of the question! BUT Still haven talk to my parents yet so please wish me luck.

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Dear all,

Just wondering, how does your mother actually keeps track of the angpow for that few tables that she is given to? I mean, in usual wedding dinner, I just dropped it at the sign in counter. Can I encourage the attendees to just drop of their best wishes (Angpow) into the angpow box? My parents and his parents wont be forking out any money for our wedding (3 years) time, so it is only fair if we get back the angpow. As for pingkam, most probably will give her 6k for wedding preparation.

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Hi Chess Gal

Not sure is this how the tables work but if your husband gives your mother like for eg. 5 tables. Basically, he's paying for the 5 tables ( eg 5 x RM 1000 = RM 5000). Usually, in weddings, there will be a bride and groom side for registration. Therefore, the angpows will automatically be given to the Bride side since it's your mother's guests. Your husband just need to fork out the value of the tables while your mother collects the angpows.

I think so? =)

Dear all,

Just wondering, how does your mother actually keeps track of the angpow for that few tables that she is given to? I mean, in usual wedding dinner, I just dropped it at the sign in counter. Can I encourage the attendees to just drop of their best wishes (Angpow) into the angpow box? My parents and his parents wont be forking out any money for our wedding (3 years) time, so it is only fair if we get back the angpow. As for pingkam, most probably will give her 6k for wedding preparation.

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So sad to hear so many arguments that had happened over GDL things.

I tried asking my parents how much they want, but as usual they gave me the 'cincai' answer but deep inside....i think they wish for at least 5k cause my mom mentioned before that the current market price is at least 5k. Honestly, i wish to skip this GDL thing all together. i mean, it doesn't make sense to 'pay' my parents just because i'm married to the guy. in the past, girls don't work and once they're married, they belong to the other family already, so it makes some sense for the guy side to give some money as a form of compensation. but in modern days, girls have their own career and some even earn more than the husband....obviously the parents don't lose anything, or a daughter in that sense when she's married.

it really pisses me off when parents of the girl are not understanding and demand a lot of ping kam. they say they have spent a lot on the girl's education..bla bla bla...but aren't the daughter giving them monthly allowances when she starts working? what about guy's parents? they don't spend on their son's education and upbringing is it?

in modern days, i think they act of giving ping kam is more like a competition among the parents.

see whose daughter gets more, then the parents can show off liao....

as for me and my hubby, we are really tight financially as we've already bought a house.

even my hubby's dad paid for the downpayment of 50k. and his mom offered to sponsor a bit for house renovation.

i will feel really paiseh if my parents ask a lot for pingkam.

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I was very upfront with my parents on the ping kam issue.

I told them that FH & I will be paying for ALL the wedding expenses from our own pocket (and this includes the hse downpayment & reno) - we didnt wanna rely on anyone to pay for our wedding. So no matter how much they ask for, we both will have to fork it out.

Luckily my parents thinking is more modern and they understand our situation. at 1st mom say nvm, cincai. then later dad say no, must give RMx, but he said that he will return it back in form of angpow. All for ‘show’ only. I think most parents of the BTB just ‘want face’ only. But it is also quite embarrassing for modern parents to tell that they asked for RMx amount of money. Most of my mom friends whos daughter got married recently told her that they are ‘not selling daughters’ so they returned whatever that was given by the GTB.

As for tables, I will give them unlimited, but on condition that we get to keep the angpow later.

I guess it depends on ur parents thinking lo. more conventional or more modern. afterall, I believe that this tradition was during the ancient days where ppl marry their daughter off in return for dowry, but now is modern times already. must modify traditions accordingly.

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So sad to hear so many arguments that had happened over GDL things.

I tried asking my parents how much they want, but as usual they gave me the 'cincai' answer but deep inside....i think they wish for at least 5k cause my mom mentioned before that the current market price is at least 5k. Honestly, i wish to skip this GDL thing all together. i mean, it doesn't make sense to 'pay' my parents just because i'm married to the guy. in the past, girls don't work and once they're married, they belong to the other family already, so it makes some sense for the guy side to give some money as a form of compensation. but in modern days, girls have their own career and some even earn more than the husband....obviously the parents don't lose anything, or a daughter in that sense when she's married.

it really pisses me off when parents of the girl are not understanding and demand a lot of ping kam. they say they have spent a lot on the girl's education..bla bla bla...but aren't the daughter giving them monthly allowances when she starts working? what about guy's parents? they don't spend on their son's education and upbringing is it?

in modern days, i think they act of giving ping kam is more like a competition among the parents.

see whose daughter gets more, then the parents can show off liao....

as for me and my hubby, we are really tight financially as we've already bought a house.

even my hubby's dad paid for the downpayment of 50k. and his mom offered to sponsor a bit for house renovation.

i will feel really paiseh if my parents ask a lot for pingkam.

I totally agreed with you.

I always tell my mum... until when i still her daughter. Even i married liao also i will come back home whenever she need or no need me :p and i still will give her money pocket as usual. But i know my mum is scared after i married wont care her liao so she always said something to hurt me.

About the ping kam, i ask my hubby how much his side able to give then i told my mum the figures and my mum said ok.

Then settle. About the tables, at first i also dunno how to do because the dinner is bride + groom together (e.g 15 +15=30 tables) and i planned to use the angpau to pay and balance which not enuf we will pay for it. So parents no need to worry. But my mum said means like that my hubby side din give tables. So i start to headache...har!!!..wht give tables..

After that i tried to ask my colleagues/friends, and now to settle...i told my mum i will pay for 10 tables(seat = 15 tbls) and my hubby will pay 20 tables,so consider my hubby give 5 tables to us. So...SETTLE. Close case! :p

Anyway, i still tell my mum if she got any request can let me know and if i can do i will do.

Cos my mum got me the only daughter , so i know she also very sayang me 1 , just she hope i can marry 'fung fung kong kong' and she can very proud lor... All parents also same la...

Anyway, wish all brides can have a wonderful and sweet memories for the wedding preparation

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i think you shd discuss with your hubby to be on the pin kam. give him an idea how much you want, work out the detail on what is actually include in the pin kam. the dowry that your parents got from your hubby to be is for them to buy you jewelry and other expenses that may include in the wedding. those money is not for them alone, it is for you.

Perhaps he may understand better when you speak to him that way.I suggest you must really be open with your hubby to be on the amount, as the both of you know the best of your own financial ability.

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Hi,

I think I should share my thoughts here.

During my wedding, my HB gave 10K as pingkam, and all my relatives who attend the wedding if they give angpow, my parents can keep it, if no angpow then I don't really care. Maybe because I had buffet for my wedding recep, but it's not cheap either I need abt RM100+ per pax for the costing.

I never argue with my mum about the pingkam, as I truly thinks that RM10K is not tat much nowadays. For our wedding, Its me and my HB who fork out every single cents, without help from both sides of the family which makes us proud mostly, as we need not burden the elders and we can assure them we can take care of ourself, afterall they have done to give us education, tender loving and care which in the first place we should not be judging our parents, and I definitely doesn't agree if my HB side said my mum selling daughter. Are your net worth 10K only for your parents to sell you? If you stay with your parents until 21 years old, including college, universities whatever, do you know how much a parents have spend on only 1 child? Whopping minimal 200K. 10K is not even 10% of the money they have spend on you girls.

If I am the parent, I will definitely feel very dissapointed when you, yourself as a daughter (maybe u) thinks of ur own parent selling daughter. Give a thought are they really selling you? If they are.. they should be demanding at least 200K and pls don't be so money minded, when u r in trouble,sickness whatever they your parents, will sell their whole fortune to help u and u think 10K is so big that u can judge ur parents selling daughter? Parents fend for their child, will u do the same to fend for ur parents? Especially they are old now and not enough money for their retirement whatever.

Of course I understand, when money is tight 10K is hard to let go.. 'by thinking just give to parent'.. but don't think that whole 10K gonna be in their pocket, its going to be spend back on u, and to give back a portion of it to your husband ' wui lai' and moreover.. can u tell me inflation is not high now? Gold price is getting cheaper by day?

Come on.. be wise.. you will be a mother someday, and is this the attitude and treatment u wanted when ur child grow up?

Hope I don't offend anyone here

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Hi,

I think I should share my thoughts here.

During my wedding, my HB gave 10K as pingkam, and all my relatives who attend the wedding if they give angpow, my parents can keep it, if no angpow then I don't really care. Maybe because I had buffet for my wedding recep, but it's not cheap either I need abt RM100+ per pax for the costing.

I never argue with my mum about the pingkam, as I truly thinks that RM10K is not tat much nowadays. For our wedding, Its me and my HB who fork out every single cents, without help from both sides of the family which makes us proud mostly, as we need not burden the elders and we can assure them we can take care of ourself, afterall they have done to give us education, tender loving and care which in the first place we should not be judging our parents, and I definitely doesn't agree if my HB side said my mum selling daughter. Are your net worth 10K only for your parents to sell you? If you stay with your parents until 21 years old, including college, universities whatever, do you know how much a parents have spend on only 1 child? Whopping minimal 200K. 10K is not even 10% of the money they have spend on you girls.

If I am the parent, I will definitely feel very dissapointed when you, yourself as a daughter (maybe u) thinks of ur own parent selling daughter. Give a thought are they really selling you? If they are.. they should be demanding at least 200K and pls don't be so money minded, when u r in trouble,sickness whatever they your parents, will sell their whole fortune to help u and u think 10K is so big that u can judge ur parents selling daughter? Parents fend for their child, will u do the same to fend for ur parents? Especially they are old now and not enough money for their retirement whatever.

Of course I understand, when money is tight 10K is hard to let go.. 'by thinking just give to parent'.. but don't think that whole 10K gonna be in their pocket, its going to be spend back on u, and to give back a portion of it to your husband ' wui lai' and moreover.. can u tell me inflation is not high now? Gold price is getting cheaper by day?

Come on.. be wise.. you will be a mother someday, and is this the attitude and treatment u wanted when ur child grow up?

Hope I don't offend anyone here

Hi Blurcheryl,

Hey you are right, im into this dilemma too now as this coming 23th will be out officially discuss with both families talking about GDL & pin kam thing. As now my hubby is jobless and as per agreed earlier when we annouced our engagement ,my mum has voice up a figure and it actually not a huge figure. But now after i been discuss with my i told my hubby try to talk to my parents your current situation now as you may not able to pay that amount. wil lsee how the out come, and i did also spoken to my best friend as she said not to upset your parents. One easy wayto do it is myself top up the different and i did calculate it. I properly need to fork up 2K for him. What do you think? and advice!!

Many thanks :)

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i am wondering abt 'wui lai' .. if my pinkam is RM8888, how much angpao do we need to wui back to the groom's mom?

hey for my case ,my 'wui lai' has no conflict with the pingkam . the hampers that groom side brought to my house comes with angpow about hundreds and my mom return a RM88 for each hampers with some other stuff along. wherelse the pingkam is soley another big angpow from my husband to my parents. for your reference =)

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finally done with this; my mum agreed with RM 3,888 and a roast pig; then tables for close friends and relatives....(we discussed this when my bf told her that we are getting married next year); my parents will meet with his parents next month to discuss further; mum agreed that she doesn't want to put us in debt and "as long as i am happy"

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First of all, would to say sorry to read all unsettle GDL situation. I felt sad after reading it. Well, my situation is kinda different which my MIL is the one making decision cos FIL just let his wife take the lead.My mum is in Sabah and my FH family is in KL...so when ask abt this matter my future MIL said she want to fly over to sabah to discuss the matter with my mum...they met before and ok with each other cos my MIL kinda modern type of person just communication problem cos one cant speak hokkien and one cant speak cantonese so when GDL i am the main person cos my mum have decided she will fly to KL to discuss the matter instead of letting my MIL and her family all together 7 people to fly to sabah just to discuss the GDL. This arrangement shocked my mum and family in sabah.LOL...

So finally decided my mum will fly to KL with my eldest sis, and the ping kam will bear by my fh and I.FIL actually will be taking care of banquet tables but maybe will have some changes.So end up will be bear by my fh and I.My mum told me your sisters ping kam the most is RM2K only...that many many years ago almost 20 yrs la...yeah big age gap with my other siblings...So my mum knew that my FH and family are not rich so she say any figure also can la...just yee see only...my FH said if like tat can RM99 huh??I nearly want to fainted when i heard that.So the figure might be RM888 or RM999 or might be RM2888.so since everything also being arrange by us so I just ask for 5 tables for my family and friends...and FH side is 15tables total 20tables...he is the youngest in the family same like me so his parents are so happy because they can meet up with their siblings and friends in these event.

I will update you guys again what is the actual situation soon. :)

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I am also facing problem about this. FH is planning for 10k as pin kam and 5 tables. These funds will be bear by FH without any others help. I had tried to discuss with mum but she said it's the market rate of 3 or 4 yrs ago. Nowadays her friends claimed that daughter married with 12k pin kam.

I am so headache on this. I know FH's burden is very heavy already. I dare not tell him yet, planning maybe i just top up on it :( how i wish we could just married by registering and go for vacation. No need to bother about all these hassles and worry about money :(

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just to share with you all how we did it

our "pin kam" is by issueing cheque from our housing loan CA and written my name on it , then the return amount is issued by my parents written my hb's name on it . (haha ..both cheque are void as we are not going to deposit them)

we understand it's just a custom so just do it this way without burning anyone's pocket

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hey dear, share your feelings here.....and this is just the beginning on pin kam; then when it comes to restaurant picking - more hassle - which i am going through; the worse case for me is that my mum don't understand the whole issue and then start flaming others....

I am also facing problem about this. FH is planning for 10k as pin kam and 5 tables. These funds will be bear by FH without any others help. I had tried to discuss with mum but she said it's the market rate of 3 or 4 yrs ago. Nowadays her friends claimed that daughter married with 12k pin kam.

I am so headache on this. I know FH's burden is very heavy already. I dare not tell him yet, planning maybe i just top up on it :( how i wish we could just married by registering and go for vacation. No need to bother about all these hassles and worry about money :(

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Hi Leongal,

I had placed deposit for the wedding reception..just very headache about those bethrothal gifts...it's really very difficult that for us that just work for 3 yrs to folk out a big sum to prepare all these as we also just recently bought our house... >.<

hey dear, share your feelings here.....and this is just the beginning on pin kam; then when it comes to restaurant picking - more hassle - which i am going through; the worse case for me is that my mum don't understand the whole issue and then start flaming others....
I am also facing problem about this. FH is planning for 10k as pin kam and 5 tables. These funds will be bear by FH without any others help. I had tried to discuss with mum but she said it's the market rate of 3 or 4 yrs ago. Nowadays her friends claimed that daughter married with 12k pin kam.

I am so headache on this. I know FH's burden is very heavy already. I dare not tell him yet, planning maybe i just top up on it :( how i wish we could just married by registering and go for vacation. No need to bother about all these hassles and worry about money :(

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wedding is suppose to be a happy occasion.. but all this tradition really drives us nuts... as usual, i think i have the similar issue with almost every brides in this forum. when asked on the amount of pin kam, mum will say CINCAI...!!!! when receive the actual pinkam, her face changed!!! mu husband spontaneouly responded that he will also pay for table in our wedding dinner, but he did not mention the quantity.

few days later, mum called me to talked about this. she insists to get a figure from my husband. GOsh!!! why she needs that desperately!!! she needs that so that she can share this pinkam story to her friends and relatives... this really drives me nuts!!!! how can she be so realistic!!!

the entire wedding preparation is really impact my emotional. IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE A HAPPY OCCASION!!!!!

DAMN IT!!!!

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yeah why is it that moms these days ask for "ping kam" like they're selling daughters huh...

i seriously wonder if a wedding is between the couple or is it a once-in-a-lifetime chance for one family to rob another off their wealth.

times have changed, and i believe even people in China don't practice this anymore. why is it so that malaysian chinese are so money-minded when it comes to dowries?

in my case, FH is the one who will be footing the bill. he gave my mom a choice: either RM2k + 5 tables, or RM5k nett. my mom initially thought it was the in-laws who will be giving the dowry, so she wanted to ask for 5k + 5 tables. when i told her that FH is paying for everything, she said "oh, i thought his father is paying. since he has so much money why he so kiam siap?" i wanna pengsan... anyway in the end she agreed to 2k + 5 tables. my dad pulak told us he'll not take a single cent and asked us to keep the angpow money to pay for our tables. dear mommy black face!

anyway, what i don't understand is, why can't they be understanding of where we stand. we know that they want to look good and feel proud in front of their friends by boasting such amounts but i doubt anybody would give a damn about it. in the end, they're only showing people the pretty side of it. but what happens in our marriage, and how we struggle at the back, nobody knows. it is really disappointing and doesn't serve any purpose, not to mention that such actions could cause friction between the families and land their daughter in a lesser light in the in-law's books.

i hope i didn't offend anyone who's facing the same issue. this is just my personal opinion (plus ranting a bit) =)

*peace*

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I'm thankful that my mom didnt request for a high sky amount when i asked her about her opinion on the Ping Kam. Maybe due to she know that me and hubby will be forking out most of the expenses for the wedding so she didnt say anything when i offered her the amount that me and my hubby suggested.

It is always best to discuss with your hubby first, then agreed on an amount to give your mum. After you should discuss first with ur mum and if she is not satisfied, then you and hubby can think of other alternatives. Instead of arguing or forcefully giving an amount that you cant afford on the day of discussion.

My discussion went well with both families on the dinner table. I am so happy that it is done and looking forward to GDL and Bed setting day!

Marriage is a happy thing, no matter how, dont argue with your hubby. Thats the last thing you should do!

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My family only request very minimum amount of ping kam because the groom side gives us 8 tables during our wedding reception in hotel.

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Up dating on my GDL...my mum said no need to susah la...and it is a good news to my PIL cos finally their son can skipped this block on money. Well my hubby ping kam I also need to help out cos he dun have enough saving for it.Anyway, my MIL demand everything for the face...but skip everything that need the son to pay...I dunno how long i can endure this matter...I dun want to have banquet in the first place but kena from MIL said this is the last son la need to do hou hou thai thai...ya but they are not paying a cent ar just talk only ar...I just got my new place just a week ago and now my head is 2 times bigger ...Oh GOD PLS HELP ME...

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Up dating on my GDL...my mum said no need to susah la...and it is a good news to my PIL cos finally their son can skipped this block on money. Well my hubby ping kam I also need to help out cos he dun have enough saving for it.Anyway, my MIL demand everything for the face...but skip everything that need the son to pay...I dunno how long i can endure this matter...I dun want to have banquet in the first place but kena from MIL said this is the last son la need to do hou hou thai thai...ya but they are not paying a cent ar just talk only ar...I just got my new place just a week ago and now my head is 2 times bigger ...Oh GOD PLS HELP ME...

Hope you can cope well...

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