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GDL - pin kam arguement

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recently i ask my hubby how much is the pin kam on GDL they will give, he is not happy and end up with the arguement. for me, is just a general question. i guess every ladies also same, wish to know how much they will give. is doesnt matter with the amount but is just a curious. but for him, he think that i'm given him pressure. and think that i am ask for more. but so far, my parents didnt mention about the amount. we just let them decide how much they want to give and we will accept. i am very dissapointed for that. Do you discuss/ ask your hb how much pin kam they will sent during the gdl? he will tell you?

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Quoting my best fren scenario to u as a reference:-

My BF parents say up to the groom family how much they wanna give

When my best fren chk out with her MIL, she wanna give 2888

When my best fren mom got to know, she said that her sisters pin kam is 5k + 3 free tables for wedding dinner.

So my best fren is worried that her pin kam is too much lesser than the rest of the sisters which make her & groom look not very good (u know lar chinese ppl always compare amongst themselves geh).

So like last minute changes, the MIL was so unhappy but forced to give the same 5k+3 tables.

I think u need to communicate with ur parents 1st, tell them dun say "As u wish" or else u gonna have unnecessary surprises later.

Tell ur parent not too chin chai...any concern must speak up straight away....otherwise will cause unnecessary stress at later date...

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wedding is a whole life for once..and i hope is a sweet memories the process of wedding. So i worried if i mention too much, then arguement will come again...and my hb and his family also will hv wrong thinking of us. like we are realistic, etc. OH god..... :angry:

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I tot this should had been discussed before hand?

If your parents are really 'cin cai' then as what 999 mentioned, don't make any comments nor remarks after knowing the actual figure.

My mum didn't ask for a figure, she says as long as you two will not go into debt, so we agreed to give RM3888 as ping kam and unlimited number of tables (since they will not more than 10 tables) and another arrangement is, from the angpows collected (my parents' share), they will return half for us to chip in the bill.

I don't want my parents to spend any single cent to my wedding, I told my mum she can just yi shi to return the ping kam that she received and I don't expect any expensive stuff from them too, all I want is their blessing.

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for my case, both of my hb and i discuss 1st. Then im personally talk to my mom. U know la, normally old people always said as u wish la.. how much u give also can la n etc... but then i know my mother well.. after i talk n discuss wt her for i think 3 times, finally she said who who aunty's daughter wedding received pin kam 10k la, who who how much la.. So i straight away ask her that is that the same amount u want? In the nice way she reply me that she ll very happy and 'proud' to her frens woh if she get the about same pin kam amount woh..

Aih.. so my advise is must be Patient to talk to ur parent and ur fh in this.. But luckily my mom said wt rm10k pin kam + 3 Ji Mui tables, she ll prepare everything that needed in the wedding. Then the balance she ll give it as Ang Pow to me.

So wt this condition i easily talk to my husband n his family. But when go to my husband parent, they did asked me how much my mother want.. My hb n i dun dare to tell 10k lo.. cuz afraid they said too much!! My sister in law that time pin kam very less1.. So i just said my sister wedding 8 years ago alr 5k lo.. Then we talked about the inflasion la etc.. haha!! After that my FIL suggested 8k.. To settle it fast and easy, both of us said OK la.. Then the balance 2k, my husband n i paid secretly!! Just dun1 spent too much time to discuss about this pin kam.. My hb n i really afraid bad thing ll happend between 2 family if we didnt take k well. Cuz after the pin kam, we still ll have a lot of things need to discuss..

jb, just bare in mind.. Patient and Smile always when discussing the wedding matters.. :)

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jb,

i'm sure every couple will encounter problems and arguement, even fight, during wedding prep and home set-up... don't take it too seriously.... the thought of 'having sweet memories' is very good, but if things happen, be optimistic... it's just part and parcel of 'living together'....

about the pingkam, if your parents really said 'chin chai', try to give them scenario, ie is RMxxxx enough? what if RMxxxx?? i'm sure they will give some response... think for them too, they are not 'selling' u, how to give a price???

about your FH, i think he's feeling intimidated.... be frank and ask him how much is reasonable and he can afford?? try to explain to him that u are trying to please your parents and at the same time not burdening him....

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jb,

i'm sure every couple will encounter problems and arguement, even fight, during wedding prep and home set-up... don't take it too seriously.... the thought of 'having sweet memories' is very good, but if things happen, be optimistic... it's just part and parcel of 'living together'....

about the pingkam, if your parents really said 'chin chai', try to give them scenario, ie is RMxxxx enough? what if RMxxxx?? i'm sure they will give some response... think for them too, they are not 'selling' u, how to give a price???

about your FH, i think he's feeling intimidated.... be frank and ask him how much is reasonable and he can afford?? try to explain to him that u are trying to please your parents and at the same time not burdening him....

CT,

I did not have GDL issue. But when it comes to hengdai jimui duels.. I quarreled.( yes, only me)

Then ...quarrel again... I don't even know why I quarrelled with him!!

Later, after makan pill to relax ( doctor's prescription) I had good nights sleep. And also acting normal again..

Hubby said he was not mad coz he knew i'm " sick".. ( Not loco mind you. Just suddenly stressed up and sleepless nights)

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I consider as very lucky. As my FIL very 'cin cai'. At first they want to pay 5k pin kam not include GDL stuffs. Then my mother suggest 10k including GDL stuffs. FIL immediatelly agree and say "we finally settle it and able to become one family" :D

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i hope everything can be so easy to settle also.... will know the results soon....

sometimes even they said cincai then u suggest Rmxxxx ok boh? even they answer, ok lo, u all like lo... also not from their heart.. :(

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As far as I'm concern, it doesn't really matter! Traditionally, your husband's family will be paying for it but nowadays, it is either way. As for my side, my husband (we have not done the guo dai lai yet) will be paying for it (his mummy and daddy actually made him give me more than my parents requested for) since his daddy is retired and we don't think it is appropriate for a retired man to pay! :lol:

There's no right or wrong. Most important, everyone feels comfortable and happy with the arrangement. :biggrin:

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for me, my bf & me discuss among us 1st about d pin kam. my bf agree 2 gv rm6k + 4 tables + 1k (ka lui ping). actually i'm wondering d pin kam is include of wat 1 ah? d pin kam dat guy side gv is for gal 2 buy wat ah? it's most GDL stuff is gal side buy? using d pin kam? how much v shud return back 2 guy side? i abit confuse :wacko3:

actually no matter how much d pin kam is, as long as d couple happy & good mah ho~ is ask 2 much, is their son & daughter dat will hv trouble paying debts. :smile:

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TS, don't over stress yourself, but i do agree that there's a need for communication between you and your HB... if not when both parents meet then got argument not good lar. that time you'll be squeeze in between lagi teruk.

explain to him, you want to find out so you can help to see if it'll be ok with your mum mar. to avoid future arguments.

my fren's mum also keep saying cin cai, but then her HB's grandpa wants a figure, in the end he got angry and say so I give you RM88 also you take is it? now both elders also not on speaking term liao... the san foo one is my fren lor...

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if it were an argument between parents n child or in laws then it would be understandable

but for you and your husband to argue just because of a simple question it seems a little overboard.

maybe he is under alot of stress?

seriously if u both cant even talk about it then how are u guys gonna handle negotiation in between the 2 families x.x

the both of u should work together to get idea of what parents want n what the other side is willing to give and try to compromise as middle persons.

i think you have a right to know o.o whats wrong in knowing? at least then u know how much he plans and u can check with mum what she expects.

see if its ok and settle the whole thing without getting parents as well into this sensitive matter.

last thing u wanna fight about now is $$$...there will be plenty more of chances for you guys to do it after marriage.

so try to talk to him and let him know its for the best that u both discuss first before approaching parents.

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i am having a problem on this as well...

my MIL didnt specify any amount, however my wife wants to give the same amount as her other sisters gave previously, $8888.

my parents only wants to give $999 as a symbol for longlasting instead of $8888, "fa", or a price for this.

most of the GDL items , we will be settling it ourselves... my parents will only get the liquors since they are going overseas next mth... we are plan to "top up" the amount but i dunno how to "intercept" the ang pow... should it be given by the parents or myself??

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If I've not mistaken, I think your parents and maybe an aunt or uncle will go and give the guo dai lai items and pin kam. Don't remember y cousin going to his wife's house the last time. Erm RM 8888 is a big difference from RM 999. So I don't know how are you going to settle this :tongue: Why don't you ask your mom if you wil be going with her to give the pin kam? And if she says you will be then say you hold the ang pow for the pin kam la coz more incere if you give it to your in-laws. Hoping she will say ok!

My hubby and i didn't have a problem with pin kam coz his dad has passed away and his mom is working but only enough to pay for her bills and household items which my hubby's elder bro will also chip in. So pin kam was really up to hubby and I. In fact I was the one who said to give RM10k and my hubby said yeah that's ok. But in the end my mom actually returned almost everything.

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my hubby already asked when we start dating that time because his family not rich n his father pass away

i oso asked my mum how much she wants then she says at least 9999.99 wor i ask 8888.88 can or not she say wants 9 for longevity wor

so i told my hubby then lor need to save up lor then he went n discuss wif his mother then the mother say will out 5k if want more then we 2 hv to top up ourselves lor but we dont fight over this type of things especially money we discuss wats the solution we hv to settle all issues becos we r getting married to start a family

cos my sis married that time her mil ask her how much our mother want she say dont know maybe 20k gua then the mil reply wah ur mother sell daughter ah? then my sis not happy lor so in the end i think the mil no out the pin gam n leave it to my sis n her son to gao dim the pin gam lor

so it depends on individual family 1 lah as long as everybody happy is ok must giv n take lor n be more tolerate

i told everybody i don wan troublesome stuff all keep it simple n nice so far no problem arise yet

better keep my finger cross until near to my wedding date :)

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y most of the couple hv same problem o.

Compare to ur 8888.88 or 9999.99 or 20K, my PKL only 3888.00 plus some basis & necessary stuffs plus unlimited tables (may be around 20 tables la). HB said will it too little because all my cousins got or give away 10k to 20K for their PKL (the $ include all stuffs & without any table for wedding reception). I said is ok la. After all my parent no sell their daughter. It has to depend on our own financial ma. No like all my other cousins support by their own parents which pay everything for them bo. I dun wat we going into debt after getting marry. Dun bother all the other 3 Gu 6 Bo. It our wedding, we paid everything for our own wedding. We give away the PKL because of we respect our parents. We dun wat our parents pay even 1 cent on our wedding. We will buy everything their need for them.

Sometimes it really difficult is our parents said YiSi YiSi for the PKL. If more than wat they expect is ok la. If less than it, we going to suffer for some of the period. My hometown is Sibu, the standard PKL for Foo Chow ppl here at least 10K which have not include other stuffs. y should we follow their rules & make ourselves into the debt afterward. I dun wat to follow the crazy rules just because of the face.

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ya it really much depends on individual family traditional custom

my parents don want us to go in debt due to our wedding but she oso don want us to be so cincai get married

haha... tats y my mom ask to giv 9999.99 pimkam so she can get us some decent jewellry n stuff for our wedding

i'm so damm lazy until my mum hv to force me to buy some decoration for my new room n i told her y bother it's a nuisance when i hv to take it out n it'll end up in the rubbish bin later on more rubbish = more pollution hoping i can cut down on waste u know to save the planet abit :)

n the 9999.99 oso include liquor my father goin to sponsor for our wedding dinner so i dont think is very over the amt they ask for as pim kam

so it's really hv to depends on individual cases n how u n ur life partner deal wif it i mean this is the 1st big step hving a life wif another person o alot or arguement is goin to happen so 1 step at a time remember bottom line is u both love each other n want to be 2gether others is there to witness the ceremony n to bless the newly weds only period.

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I would prefer my mum not to take so much (9999) from us and let us manage the $$, personally I feel that cash is better than anything else. =)

Sandy,

My mum actually didn't ask for the amount but HB gave RM3888 and in return my mum only took RM1000, returned RM2888 to HB, heeheh which mean I'm only worth for RM1000! =P

For table, also unlimited amount .. I think about 10 - 12 tables for my parents but in return we will collect the angpows =P

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I would prefer my mum not to take so much (9999) from us and let us manage the $$, personally I feel that cash is better than anything else. =)

Sandy,

My mum actually didn't ask for the amount but HB gave RM3888 and in return my mum only took RM1000, returned RM2888 to HB, heeheh which mean I'm only worth for RM1000! =P

For table, also unlimited amount .. I think about 10 - 12 tables for my parents but in return we will collect the angpows =P

Ling, me 2. oso feel $$ better than other things.

v do d same bo. RM3888 plus unlimited tables & we collect all the ang pau.

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Sandy,

I think that's the best way ya =)

We foot all the bill including wedding day's luncheon too, you can imagine how much we need to spend O.o

I told my parents I don't want them to spend any $$ on our wedding, their responsibility if finished =) I want them to enjoy our wedding and not to pay for us but still my parents will indirectly sponsor ($$) us for the house (electrical appliances) =)

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my hubby already asked when we start dating that time because his family not rich n his father pass away

i oso asked my mum how much she wants then she says at least 9999.99 wor i ask 8888.88 can or not she say wants 9 for longevity wor

so i told my hubby then lor need to save up lor then he went n discuss wif his mother then the mother say will out 5k if want more then we 2 hv to top up ourselves lor but we dont fight over this type of things especially money we discuss wats the solution we hv to settle all issues becos we r getting married to start a family

cos my sis married that time her mil ask her how much our mother want she say dont know maybe 20k gua then the mil reply wah ur mother sell daughter ah? then my sis not happy lor so in the end i think the mil no out the pin gam n leave it to my sis n her son to gao dim the pin gam lor

so it depends on individual family 1 lah as long as everybody happy is ok must giv n take lor n be more tolerate

i told everybody i don wan troublesome stuff all keep it simple n nice so far no problem arise yet

better keep my finger cross until near to my wedding date :)

I don't understand y ppl always quote the word "Wah Sell Daughter Ah?"

If really sell daughter, then not paying RM10-20K okay.

TO raised a child until 18years need at least RM250K lar..

for me i will feel sad too and offended.

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totally agree when i my sis told me tat the mil say my mum was selling daughter i oso quite pissed off until now i dont like my sis mil >.<

imagine everything is done by my sis n mum from all the gdl items to dinner things every single details oso my sis herself do it the mil did nothing saying she is christian don wan to do all the chinese traditional stuff so my sis hv to do her own lor

but then her mil want to drink the daugher in law tea =.= wat type of ppl is this oso i don noe

thank god my mil is nothing like that (keep my finger cross)

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Sandy,

My mum actually didn't ask for the amount but HB gave RM3888 and in return my mum only took RM1000, returned RM2888 to HB, heeheh which mean I'm only worth for RM1000! =P

For table, also unlimited amount .. I think about 10 - 12 tables for my parents but in return we will collect the angpows =P

Since we're on this topic, i would like to share my problem with you guys. My mum asked for 11 tables from my fiance (4 in kl and 7 in hometown) however she wants to keep all the angpao money for these 11 tables. Do you guys think this is unreasonable? She thinks it's the groom's responsibility to pay for everything and I shouldn't be siding them before I marries him. Well I think it is ridiculous, but in order not to offend my mother, my fiance agrees to her terms knowing that he's going to fork out a lot of money for our wedding (he is not going to ask his parents' help). He's only going to give RM5k for pinkam and I'm sure my mother would not be too happy about this when the day comes. What should I do?

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