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MayS

Forgetful HB

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I think over time, because you've been doing all the legwork, your HB took it for granted that he never had to do anything. Lama-lama, it can get very frustrating because it seems as if you're doing all the work.

Why don't you have a heart-to-heart about it and share your feelings about all this?

I remember when I first started dating my HB, he took for granted that I wouldn't mind the lack of communication and etc - this was just after our first year together. Luckily for the two of us, we had learn from our past mistakes that not talking actually makes the situation worse so we ironed out a lot of our expectations and what-nots of each other, especially about taking our partners for granted. A lot of us assume that after we've been together with our partners for a while, we don't have to put in any effort. This is wrong. The effort must still continue if not shared together.

No one is saying that you can't be disappointed or angry about it; you can but just don't remain angry and disappointed. Settle the problem otherwise it'll carry on. In fact, because you never spoke about it before, it has carried on for eights years and counting.

For me, as I got older, birthday celebrations became more quiet. Last time when I was a teenager, had parties and it was a big boohoohaa. These days, it was just dinner and an angpau or present from my family. This year, because I was so far away from home, I told HB that I just want a quiet dinner with him and that was it. Sometimes I get a belated birthday wish from my family and that's it. To me, if remember or not, never mind la. It's just a date.

My MIL forgot (my HB never told her) and she was so embarassed but I told her never mind, late or not, it's okay...we're family so what for wanna marah marah over something so small? She and my SIL sent an orchid pulak a few days later. XD

Correct! It has been accumulating all these years and I only started to realise that this is a serious problem. I no longer accept anything as it is but I know what I want. I've oredi spend 10 yrs in this relationship. How many 10 years of "cheng chun" do I have? I'll heed your advice and have a heart-to-heart talk to him about it. Hope it will helps.

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Exactly. That's the way how the society perceive what is birthday. We need to appreciate our parents instead of ourselves on our birthday anniversary.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that, you can still live without celebrating your birthday because you already accepted it for a good 10 years but can you live without your HB?

There was a saying, don't marry the person you can live with. Marry the person you can't live without.

Well, I've started to feel like I can live without him and that's really raise the alarm :(

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Once I told my bf now my hubby:" This Friday Our Anni. I want romantic dinner."

So I lupa totally on that very day. He remembered. I even ask why go out eat? what's the dress code?

He said no shorts lar. We go out eat.

Hahaha. Then i know our Friday dinner!!!!

It may not be really candle light. But he made an effort. have something close to romantic lor.

I was so touched. gave big kiss.

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Once I told my bf now my hubby:" This Friday Our Anni. I want romantic dinner."

So I lupa totally on that very day. He remembered. I even ask why go out eat? what's the dress code?

He said no shorts lar. We go out eat.

Hahaha. Then i know our Friday dinner!!!!

It may not be really candle light. But he made an effort. have something close to romantic lor.

I was so touched. gave big kiss.

That sound sweet :rolleyes: ! Well, this never happen to me. When i did the planning, I have to remind HB until the very last hour......a few reminders on the actually day itself :(

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If only 10 years later you just realised what you want, I think the problem is not only the relationship but also yourself. How you 'survive' in these 10 years? and why you can't 'continue' for the rest of the years? 10 years is not a short time, enough to testify relationship and love for each other.

My HB is seriously have bad memory, I have been with him for 8 years, I'm not only now realise his bad memory and I cannot say because I just realise the habit and realise of what I want then I want to make a decision on the relationship? ahhh .. I think that's not right ya.

Try to position yourself in his shoes, most man will regard that's only a small matter and yet he cannot understand why his woman makes such a big hu ha, well .. that's what my HB says, he cannot understand why I want to make a small thing (which can be solved) into a big hu ha. I must say, being a woman, we tend to be into details, even small matter we will regard it as big issue, try to stand at his position to understand and try to know why he reacts as that.

Why someone asking why you behave as that? the simple answer is because you are not me, try to think of this answer 'because you are not me' and relate to your problem now.

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This is just part of the problem....or part of my dissatisfaction. There are many many more. I'll talk to him tonight. If things doesn't turn better, I'll pay a visit to marriage counselor.

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MayS, do have a heart to heart talk with yr hb and hopefully, u both will be able to talk things out. but remember to keep calm ok? coz if both of u start getting defensive then communication will be gone.

My FH also has the same problem. Initially, I wld get very upset as he makes no effort to celebrate our anniversary or birthday. Later on, I found out that it was becos his family thought of these as important. In fact, the parents don't wish him happy birthday and neither do they celebrate, so guess it was really strange to him to remember to celebrate. But what they do is instead, will call and say, eh, its my birthday today. Then they'll wish. Wierd right? So, now, I just remind and then instead, be thankful that we have each other.

Each person shows their thoughtful actions in different ways... I hope that u'll find a way between u n yr hb. all the best!

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[MayS,

No need to be sad.. I think most Asian men are alike.

My own hubby is also one classic example.

But wat i learned is he doesn't need to be reminded, no need to give him hints, no need to ask him plan,

BUT Celebrate the way you want to.

I had agreement with my hubby, he doesn't need to remember (Its like threatening him, but eventually when the time comes you will be surprise actually he remembers) he doesn't need to plan.. what he need is pay only. I'll tell him what i want, where I want to dine, of course no surprise celebration or romantic..but hey..that doesn't mean ur relationship no sparks..

I feel better coz surely when that day comes, he is all mine, even he have to tell his boss he not going anywhere on those dates.

But He pay for everything and I got to choose my own gift. No disaster purchase lor.. Isn't that good enough?

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[MayS,

No need to be sad.. I think most Asian men are alike.

My own hubby is also one classic example.

But wat i learned is he doesn't need to be reminded, no need to give him hints, no need to ask him plan,

BUT Celebrate the way you want to.

I had agreement with my hubby, he doesn't need to remember (Its like threatening him, but eventually when the time comes you will be surprise actually he remembers) he doesn't need to plan.. what he need is pay only. I'll tell him what i want, where I want to dine, of course no surprise celebration or romantic..but hey..that doesn't mean ur relationship no sparks..

I feel better coz surely when that day comes, he is all mine, even he have to tell his boss he not going anywhere on those dates.

But He pay for everything and I got to choose my own gift. No disaster purchase lor.. Isn't that good enough?

I told him what I want but he said he's not buying. Issit that sad?

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mays,

Like wat others said....many Asian men are like tat. My hb also the same, never buy me stuff even I demand from him for my birthday. He will say he got no $$ but in fact he just dun want to buy for me :o . He said I already got everything and its a waste to buy another. Never celebrate Valentine and Anniversary after 4-5th year together. Isn't sound like a same situation like u?

But my hb is willing to spend for room renovation and oversea vacation which he think is more worthwhile.

Think the other way round, ur hb might want to use the money for other purposes instead of getting u occasional gift.

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mays,

Like wat others said....many Asian men are like tat. My hb also the same, never buy me stuff even I demand from him for my birthday. He will say he got no $$ but in fact he just dun want to buy for me :o . He said I already got everything and its a waste to buy another. Never celebrate Valentine and Anniversary after 4-5th year together. Isn't sound like a same situation like u?

But my hb is willing to spend for room renovation and oversea vacation which he think is more worthwhile.

Think the other way round, ur hb might want to use the money for other purposes instead of getting u occasional gift.

You situation really sound like mine. But my HB will not spend for vacation either. He just said he has no money to spend :(

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I will be very uncomfortable and angry when I really don't have the extra cash and my wife keep on hinting or inform me she wants this and that.

Anyway, my wife will never do that to me.

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MayS, do u know if he's really on a tight budget or izzit just doesn't wanna spend? it does make a difference, if he's tight financially, then it does make sense if he doesn't wanna buy expensive gifts.

do the both of u spend a lot of time together or either party needs to travel frequently? is there a 3rd party that caused all these dissatisfaction? any children?

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Hi Mays,

Try to have deep talk with your husband if you really think this is very important issue to you. For me, this is not a big deal for me. I don't care whether my husband remembers all these special days or not. If he forgets, so what ! As long as he still loves and cares for me in everyday life. I don't expect my husband to buy me things. Well, just one kiss is enough for me :P

Hmmm, maybe your expectation is very high. You expect your husband must remember all these. Try to let go of this issue and let your husband be, well who knows things will get better.

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We must all bear in mind that a man and a woman are not only different in anatomy; they are also different in minds. Neuroscientists have found out that the brain of a male operates differently in some ways from that of a female. Thus, this could explain why men and women think differently. When they think differently, they also look at things differently. So, a matter that is very important to a woman may never cross the mind of a man as of any importance at all. This would naturally give rise to misundersatanding, conflicts, and anger. It does help to a certain extend to have better communication between the two parties so that each knows what is in the mind of the other. Add in a dash of give-and-take attitude from both, then things should improve tremendously. So, happy living together everyone.

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MayS,

On my first year relationship with my bf, he oso never buy me flowers or gift. I only get a handmade bracelet where he ask his fren to make for me, its even a belated birthday gift for me. Belated because the fren has not finish making it. If to say abt the cost of the bracelet, its really cheap, but the thought of getting me a handmade 1 and also asked the fren to do it for me, its precious! My bf is very very financial tight throughout the first and 2nd year of our relationship, due to he needs to save money to pay the credit card bills which he swipe for the hse electrical, most of his money gone to the new hse. No fine dining for me, no nice rest for steak, mostly cooking at home and pasar malam, food court food. But hey, you know his financial right? If he doesn't buy the gift tat you want, probably he really financially tight and like other ladies mentioned, pay for something more worthwhile like vacation might be wat ur hubby thinking? you really need to communicate with your hubby, talking to men is different. you must be direct and tell them wat you want, and if you don't get it, inform him how you feel, let him explain wat he thinks, dun end up silencing what you need him to know, end up resentment. its not good for marriage. Both husband and wife, can talk anything.

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Hi gals,

I've a heart-to-heart talk with hubby and voiced out all my dissatisfaction to him. Finally, he admited he's wrong. He admitted that he doesn't know how to express his feeling, careless, didn't take my feeling seriously and just take me for granted. But he's willing to change. I've seen some positive changes in him after that. Hope it will last and our relationship get better.......

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May,

I'm glad that he knows his mistakes and willing to change.

Some men will never see their mistakes as mistakes, whereby they want their woman to accept who they are instead to change.

Sometime HB will take it as granted too, for a really small matter I don't mind but if it is big matter I will voice out and throw tantrum! then he will say chilipadi is on fire, be away!

Some man doesn't know how to express their feeling, they though as long as I'm providing all the necessary for you is the care but for women we want more than that :P if your man can't change 100% don't force him, because that is not his nature.

I don't force my HB to change 100% because I know that is not his nature and he cannot expect me to change 100% too, that is no my nature! I never can be a gentle woman when something is goes wrong or not according to my way, sorry! I will be more like a chilipadi. :D

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May,

I'm glad that he knows his mistakes and willing to change.

Some men will never see their mistakes as mistakes, whereby they want their woman to accept who they are instead to change.

Sometime HB will take it as granted too, for a really small matter I don't mind but if it is big matter I will voice out and throw tantrum! then he will say chilipadi is on fire, be away!

Some man doesn't know how to express their feeling, they though as long as I'm providing all the necessary for you is the care but for women we want more than that :P if your man can't change 100% don't force him, because that is not his nature.

I don't force my HB to change 100% because I know that is not his nature and he cannot expect me to change 100% too, that is no my nature! I never can be a gentle woman when something is goes wrong or not according to my way, sorry! I will be more like a chilipadi. :D

Well.....I guess our problem is there is lack of communication. Both of us have very high level of tolerance, hence whenever we are not happy with each other we just keep quiet. I'm glad that I've taken the first step to communicate with him as I know this will not come from him. I was really upset with him and burst out alll my unhappiness that I've been keeping all these years. All I've been asking/hoping for are his concern, understanding and caring towards me, his WIFE! Please don't take me for granted and expect me to do everything on my own.

I'm not hoping that he will change 100% and I won't be happy if it happens cos' he will no longer be the person I know all these years. I just want him to show a little bit more concern and caring towards me. I don't think that is too much to ask. I don't mind if he doesn't wanna buy me b'day present, not celebrating it with me but a simple greeting will shows that he does remember it.....issit to much to expect??

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MayS, I'm glad that things turn out good.

Anyway, I would like to add that, it is not his mistake. As I have said earlier men and women are too different creature. It is because of these differences that men and women are attracted to each other.

Men have needs and women have needs. Generally, men will need to be alone when things do not turn well for them. And generally, women behave differently when the same unpleasant event hit them. We need to give our partner the space when things do not turn well for them.

Example, leave your man alone when he needs one. Lend a shoulder to your wife or give a heart to listen to her when she needs one.

It is through communication that we constantly remind our partners that we men and women are different and refrain from taking advantage of each other. Do not build huge expectations towards them. Instead, constantly giving the care and love to them. And by the way, look beyond what is given to you by your partner. It is the thought that counts.

And one more thing. People won't change, don't expect your man to change. Did you know that there is a phrase in chinese that; it is easier to change a dynasty and than to change a man. The best way to deal with it, just accept who he is.

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Dear All Beauties,

I guess all china man are the same. My hb also forgetful too. Last time he gets on my nerve, now I lower my expectation liao so not so upset v him. Now I advise him should change name call "wang ji" in mandarin. His sirname is Wu, so its Wu Wang Ji....his new name will tell me not to forget lor....

Just my personal experience, we add humour it worked better. Last time I showed my upset look, he get stressed and feel not happy too.

Also I find out its a matter of family culture when it comes to should remember big dates or not. For me, I come from family who doesn't celebrate at all. So its nothing to me. To my MIL, must celebrate so its a stress for me. But sometimes when she can't earn my respect, I don't even attend, because I really don't see the importance of it leh......

Just me,

JL

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MayS, I'm glad that things turn out good.

Anyway, I would like to add that, it is not his mistake. As I have said earlier men and women are too different creature. It is because of these differences that men and women are attracted to each other.

Men have needs and women have needs. Generally, men will need to be alone when things do not turn well for them. And generally, women behave differently when the same unpleasant event hit them. We need to give our partner the space when things do not turn well for them.

Example, leave your man alone when he needs one. Lend a shoulder to your wife or give a heart to listen to her when she needs one.

It is through communication that we constantly remind our partners that we men and women are different and refrain from taking advantage of each other. Do not build huge expectations towards them. Instead, constantly giving the care and love to them. And by the way, look beyond what is given to you by your partner. It is the thought that counts.

And one more thing. People won't change, don't expect your man to change. Did you know that there is a phrase in chinese that; it is easier to change a dynasty and than to change a man. The best way to deal with it, just accept who he is.

I've been accepting him as he is all these years. But I also realised, as my HB he did not show his care and concern on my, his WIFE! Will you ever let your wife walk alone in the dark and you sit in the house watching TV? When your wife car breakdown, will you ask her to get help from strangers or will you offer to help or at least find help? No b'day celebration nvm, no present nvm but even no greeting and buat tak tahu wor. To me, this is simply not caring lor....And do you think I should still accept this kind of treatment? Do you think I shouldn't expect him to change and still behave the same?

Anyway, I've implemented a 30mins-1hr of talking time just between us every night. Hope with more communication, things will be better.

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MayS,

Don't get upset about it. Improve the situation and I believe you have achieved that.

In my personal opinion and from your post, it seems that the intimacy between you and your HB is getting at an unhealthy level. Implementing a strict 30min - 1hr daily of "talk" will not help. We need to communicate, use your heart to communicate. It doesn't need to be a routine.

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MayS,

Don't get upset about it. Improve the situation and I believe you have achieved that.

In my personal opinion and from your post, it seems that the intimacy between you and your HB is getting at an unhealthy level. Implementing a strict 30min - 1hr daily of "talk" will not help. We need to communicate, use your heart to communicate. It doesn't need to be a routine.

He agreed that there is a lack of communication between us. That's why I imposed the daily talk session. What else I can do to improve our relationship? Eventhough I noticed he is trying his best to change, but I still don't feel good :( . Don't know why.... :( :(

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