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crasygal

don't like the life I have now

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fluene,

I never put divorce to him seroiusly... he know that I'm joking... last time we watch a movie which act my Ku Tin Lok and Ah Sa.. they are husband and wife.. Ku Tin Lok try to get divorce Ah Sa.. no matter what Ah Sa said Ku Tin Lok will said.. don't like ah divorce la... I can't remember the movie name... tat time we feel tat words very funny... later we have a joke bout the movie... thn I said haha I have to learn Ku Tin Lok.. don like ah divorce la.. haha.. he also laught at it... just tat one time he treated tat the divorce words from me is real... I didn't expect he said tat to me...

I know some times saperation will be good but some times saperation will makes the thing worse rite...??

That's my point actually. Since you joke about divorce often, he wouldn't know whether this time is a joke or not, isn't it?

Agree with you some separation will be good but some will be even disastrous. That's why the two of you need to really sit down and have a heart to heart talk.

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Personally, DON'T EVEN JOKE about divorce or separation. Sometimes it may seem that he takes it as a joke but every time you mention it, you may hurt him. Look at it this way, because you have been joking about divorce and separation, now he has turned the tables around and say that you're not serious about the relationship. It may not be because of it but it might as well be influenced by your "jokes".

I think the problem has been here for a while already - I remember your earlier thread and how you talk about throwing tantrums for no apparent reason. Then I told you that it's not because of PMS or hormones or stuff you eat or anything religious but because subconsciously you feel angry and bitter about the lack of something in your life. I suggested that you sit and think about it deeply before concluding anything...back then you were quick to say that all was okay but it's clear now that all is NOT okay. It is very clear, to me, at least, that it's the same problem again, which meant that it was never solved in the first place.

You've carried with you the bitterness and anger of being a weekend wife, of being taken for granted, of being ignored and being shoved empty & broken promises by a man who vowed to spend more time with you and cherish you. You have expectations of a husband who will make the effort to spend time with you and not just make a promise today & then break it tomorrow. Yes, in the beginning you have probably excused it to a lot of things and tried to keep yourself occupied. But over time, what about his end of the bargain? What about the effort he has to put in?

Communication in this matter is more than a daily phone call to a partner. Sure, I call my husband at least once a day but is it really communication when it's to ask him to buy some eggs, bread or just sharing with him some news or to ask him what time he's coming home? Communication is more than just talking; it's about sharing and listening. When we suggest that you and HB communicate, we mean that you both need to MAKE TIME and then sit down and talk without any distractions or hold-backs, about your fears, desires and dreams for your marriage. You should never EVER be afraid to hold back anything from your spouse for fear of pressure or stress for him/her. After all, a marriage is about carrying a burden together and more importantly so in issues like this when it affects the both of you.

Until you both can sit down amicably and talk it out without breaking into a fight or getting defensive, the relationship is doomed OR someone will have to give in again. So how to go about talking without getting into a fight? It all depends on the kind of words that you use, the mood of the person and the seriousness of the situation. Starting a heart-to-heart talk by blaming will only put your partner on a defensive. Perhaps you can talk about how you feel (please don't say things like "you made me feel this..." or "because you said this...")...and ask him about what he feels about the whole thing. Instead, opt for words like "I was looking forward to us spending time together because you've been away at work so often & I hardly see you so I miss you a lot but now that it's canceled, I can't help feeling a bit disappointed...do you feel the same way?" A lot of people forget to ask about what their partner's feelings and thoughts are about the issue but when they do find out, it's usually the case of the partner feeling the same way as well.

Even though he may know how you are and your temperament, it still doesn't stop him from feeling angry or upset - after all, your HB is only human and on top of that, he's a man with a male ego (sorry to the gents on this forum). One of the pearls of wisdom my mum gave me is this "A man no matter how understanding and patient has an ego. As a wife, you must know how to stroke it."

My HB knows me inside out but still, sometimes the words I say when in anger hurts him and I don't even realize it or I even attribute it to "I'm just being me". Frankly, if the attitude of "I'm just being me" ends up hurting people, then don't you think it's time for a change? I know I am...and am still trying.

Your relationship is VERY similar to a long distance relationship and speaking from experience, an LDR requires A LOT of understanding, effort and patience from both parties. Time to put your fears aside and just talk to him.

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chongsw,

we did discuss bout our problem too... normally he will walk away and don 1 2 talk bout it till the problem become very seroiuse then only 1 2 discuss just like now

fluene,

just once as a joke and he know bout it.... y 1 2 be so serouise bout it...??

MayS,

I can't have big dog... I stay at apartment have to have small dog...

thank u gals... I know tat no returns back... my hb ask me go back to penang instate of asking me to stay... this afternoon I apply a job from jobstreet... they reply me after few hours... I didn't expect they will reply tat fast... now I don't know shd I go interview or not... I ask my hb he said up to me.... hai... :(

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Who knows what people may think when it comes to matters of the heart? Like now, last time you said you were okay and all with the way things were so why suddenly want to say that you cannot tahan and all? Simple. Because people change. Patience has its limit. Same thing with your HB. For all we know, he may feel hurt during all those jokes but just tahan. Now he cannot tahan anymore. You won't know until you talk to him.

Aiii...he feels that you've given up on him and your marriage somemore when you called, you gave him an ultimatum - ikut or don't ikut. In other words, if ikut means we're still married. If don't ikut means we putus. Of course he marah. No one likes to be given an ultimatum especially when the situation doesn't permit for it. I'm sure he took this job because he provides well for the both of you financially and I'm sure he doesn't want to be away from you. What sane husband would want to be away from the bini? But if you keep telling him that you cannot tahan or that you're bored, that you're tired...lama-lama he'll marah and get fed up. That's why he ask you to balik Penang la. You pulak makan it and go look for job. So lagi he feel that you don't want him.

Tell you this la. A month ago, I had a breakdown...especially after this crappy job interview where I was insulted like gila (long story there). So I rant and rave to my HB and I was crying and I was upset. So I said I am fed up coz I got no job, no friends, no family and I want to balik to Malaysia and maybe get a divorce. Doesn't that sound familiar?

My HB got so pissed and you know what he told me "GO BACK LA! I'm tired of your whining. If you want to go back, you go back la. We live separately or get a divorce la." I was very shocked coz usually, the few times before, he would just let me cry and ask me to be patient.

The next night when my mood was better, we really talked about it. I told him that I was shocked that he actually ask me to balik and to be honest, I don't really want to go home, just say only. Then he told me this - he knows that I'm sad but he cannot help but feel that every time I say I want to balik, it makes him feel that I'm not happy being married to him, that he's a lousy husband and that I don't have any faith in us. Most important of all is that he's trying really hard to make it easy for me but it's as if I just slapped him in the face. It was a real wake-up call.

Since then, I never talk about going back to KL or that I'm fed up of this life and etc...because even though there are some bad parts, being married to my HB is still one of the best thing that happened to me.

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crasygal, everyone has a bit of ego/pride in a relationship. when u tell yr HB u'd rather go back to penang instead of live him, surely he'll feel a bit rejected? then add in the word divorce & separate? what do u expect him to do - beg u to stay with him?

for me, if someone tells me they dowan me, then fine. i dowan u either. what kinda reaction do u expect when u say u wanna divorce him? there could hv been other ways to talk it out or throw yr tantrum to get his attention. once u get his attention, then at least he has a chance to repair the damage. now all he can do to patch it up is to either beg u to stay with him or just ask for separation instead of divorce.

there's no 3rd party for now in yr marriage, but if u continue this way, it won't be surprising he'll rather find companionship & understanding elsewhere after u separate. his job won't change, at least not in the immediate future. if u want this marriage to continue, best to talk it out with yr HB. most probably to him, before & after marriage there haven't been any changes & he doesn't understand why u're reacting this way. u've been bottling all yr "hurts" and decide to volcano it on him over the phone when he can't do much to soothe u either.

take some time to think thru & calm down. are u willing to live without him in yr life?

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When woman whine and complain, she only wants someone to listen to. But man sees it as the woman wants to ask for help/solution. When he cannot offer solution, he will be frustrated and feel belittled. But we, as woman know, we just want a shoulder to cry on. That's the difference between man and woman. You complain and whine, he cannot help you, so he gets frustrated and take the easy way out : get separated.

Perhaps it would be beneficial for both of you to seek the help of counselor since you mentioned that both of you cannot sit down and talk things over. With someone there, he/she will be able to 'force' you two to sit down together till the end of the session.

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hmm......

for me, i will c whether my hb is really can provide big big chunk of money for me to spend,

as a compensation for him dumping me alone most of the weekend.

2nd, will he really take effort to make up the loss or promises he gave me. simple thing like make time for movie together...

if both is yes, then i will accept the facts he is like tat & continue to be with him.

if he currently cant really get high pay & he can easily find a stable job, without those hectic travelling, y dont he just change job? unless his expertise really need him to travel. cos after married, i think is part of his responsibility to change his "working lifestyle". if later u got bb, u will continue suffer.

if everything is not very favourable on his side, i advise u move out. try to separate for awhile.

i'm not encourage u to get divorce or break off ur relationship. for me , being patience is a must, but dragging one issue is another different story. haha cos i totally hate people dragging their problem, i'm very straight forward person, tis or tat. once u choose, dont complain. that is my principle.

but i find it funny when u said u 2 can discuss alot of thing, call each other up but u 2 cant have a nice/decent talk on ur life & future. y so hard to talk about ur problem with him. i dont think u r putting pressure on his shoulder when u just wanting to say how u feel. i'm sure he will find a good & suitable way to solve ur worry. should listen to all the girls here, talk to him, communication is important.

but last q, can u live without him?

<_< anyway is just my tot.

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Dont take it seriously of what he said.i believe he doesnt mean it....

my hb also like urs....but we manage to go thru the difficult times...we have learnt from each other ....like us, outstation bride,will feel lonely esp when hb are travelling here n there... BUt you should look forward the life in KL instead of moving back to penang...u wil be mummy one day...so think properly b4 u make any decision...cos a 10 yrs relationship means alots to both of you...dont simply end the relations...he still loves u, i believe...

talk again....ok?

Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Cheers :rolleyes:

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Hi crasygal,

It is really up to you what you want to do, what is the next step. Share with you about my husband, whenever we argued and I said those hurtful things like asking him to go away, don't come back, wanted to get a divorce.......he only replied "do whatever you want, I am not going to bother". Actually in his heart, he felt very very hurt, he said all those things to cover up his emotions only....

Well, of course I talked only and didn't mean what I said. I am always the one to be humble and apologize to him, to pujuk him back......because I really love him and can't let go of him. So after I pujuk him and apologize, we will have heart to heart talk and he will listen...

So if you still love your husband, maybe you can apologize to him. Just be humble and mend the relationship again. Hmmmm, I don't hope to see another separation. I always hope all of us here living happily with our love ones ever after.

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thank gals,

I'm not sure can I live without him or not... but what I know is I can't let go this relationship... I'm those traditional thinking gals... 'once broke consider sold'... and 'once broke no more ppl want it'.... I have such thinking following me... I know now a days no one cares bout it any more but I mind...

yesterday I have a long chat with him thur msn... I was so piss off half way coz he didn't sees any problem and half way he away... I talk to my sis bout the problem... later my hb online back and we have discuss bout our problem again... at first he really didn't even found any problem between us.. the problem is his job only... my sis help us in the msn.. we have conference chatting...

now I only know guys really like a 'tree' (sorry I offent guy forumers here)... he want me to said out all the problem 1 by 1 then he only feel there is a problem... b4 that he is not like tat... b4 we married he always sees the problem but I'm not after married he will never sees any problem except his job.... I tell him all the problem I sees and what I want from him... then he only know what to do... I ask him y b4 married he knowns what to do and sees the problem.. y now he don't know what to do and can't sees any problem... he just ignore my question... :(

now he ask me to stay and he will try to adjusted from his work... I know the way I'm doing now is selfish... but I can't stand to be lonely here... every time I go out with my colleagues or friends I dont wish to to home... coz once I reach home I feel lonely... I can feel the lonelyness serounding the house.... to pass a minute just like passing an hr...

I'm not sure are the problem solve or not... I hope it had solve... tonite he will back from outstation... but I sees one more problem is... the way we talk thru the phone now just like a stanger... :( I feel regreat to tell him all the things and tell him bout what I wish to have... how to makes tis over come and back as b4...??

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Both of you need to see a counselor, that's all!

Don't grab your sister into the problem, your HB may feel your sister may siding you.

Get someone who doesn't know both of you, so that person will give neutral points.

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Crasygal, I am sure you can go through the problem you are facing now. Lots of people in this forum also have a husband who always travel because of work. But instead of seeing this as a problem, they occupied themselves with lots of activities and even seeing this as a holiday time for them. That's how they can survive in long distance relationship and still being happy in marriage. That is why I always admire and inspired by them.

Perhaps you need to change your own mindset and thinking. Don't always see the problems only. Actually in fact there is no problem at all. Try to see things in different view and direction. You will find that, "ya, actually my problem is not that serious la".....well I always do that when I feel that I face a big problem.

Try to build up your self-esteem and self-confidence and be strong. Well, women nowadays need to learn not to depend so much on husband whether emotionally or financially.

So crasygal, don't think too much and have faith that your husband do love you and both of you will get better.

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Crasygal,

Dont panic & upset gives sometimes for ur HB to digest the problem & resolve the problem, seem like he also dont wan you to leave him ma ;) . Give ur HB & urself a chance.

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Effective communication is about getting a message to another person effectively. If you think by doing MSN, YM and talk is not effective, then change it. If he doesn't get your message, what's the point of communication?

You have been with your HB for 7 years and you still don't know him? I bet has not been listening to you from day 1.

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The worse you can do for a relationship is bring in a third party like a family member or friend into the picture. A counsellor, yes, but a person who has the potential of siding each side? Bad idea.

Still, why are you guys discussing it over MSN when he's coming back tonight? You risk getting into a fight again when you should be cooling down and preparing for a heart-to-heart with him later.

Honey, you have to make up your mind. First you say you cannot tahan, then you say you regret telling him and that you wish it was back to how things were before you told him. *sigh* What is it that you want?

Personally, I don't see how the problem is solved considering that you feel that the both of you talk like strangers and all that now...that he doesn't know how to answer some of your important questions...that he doesn't know what to do or even see the problem. Sorry, but I feel that the problem won't go away with just a few words like "stay here and I'll try to work less" or something similar. It's like he's just saying it to pacify you because he doesn't know the problem and/or is confused.

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crazygal,

You really need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your HB to solve the problem. Don't feel regret telling him what you want cos if u never tell, he will never know. Men are very insensitive. I had the same problem as you. After much advised from frens as well as members in the forum, I finally took my courage in both hands and make the first step to have a heart-to-heart talk with HB. I never regretted doing so as now we both have a better understanding of each other. HB is trying his best to do what I want him to do and in turn, I'll doing my best as well to keep the relationship going. In fact, now I feel like I'm in the dating phase again :D . U need to make effort to make your marriage works and keep the sparks going......

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From what I have learned, there are a few types of people in general:

1. Controllers

In men, they are the superhero. I'm the best, I'm right. Love to be in control and their decisions are fast. These type of people are bad listeners.

2. Supporters

Supporters won't come and take charge. They are the type who will quietly support from behind. Supporters hesitates. Want to go? No lah and then suddenly they will say "might as well go lah". Controllers hate supporters and vice versa. Supporters are the total opposite of controllers.

3. Analyzers

Analyzers tend to analyze everything. They will go into very detail information.

4. Promoters

Promoters are easily spotted. Promoters are usually the center of attraction. The laugh a lot and they almost like to say "hi" to everyone. However, promoters hates details and they are the opposite of analyzers.

See what group is your husband fall into and handle him accordingly. If your HB is an analyzer, give him a lot of information, he will love it. But from the way you describe your HB, he is more likely to fall into the Controllers group. If he is a controller, be soft, be vulnerable with him. He will definitely fall for you again.

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thank all of the advised.... I will try my best to talk to him tonite... we used to communicate thru msn coz from day 1 till now we having long distern relationship.... b4 I move down to kl we have long distern relationship as I'm at pg and he at kl... that time I have ppl beside me... my family and friends I wouldn't feel lonely... just miss him... last 4 yrs I move down to kl and stay with him till now...

my sis said I miss the family feelings that y I can't tahan bout it... I'm those family type ppl... I like my family members stay beside me or near... while my sis married to NZ... I don't 1 her to go... coz I feel tat after she go over the family like not complete.... I know tat at the end we all will have our own family and will saperate and will gather together once a while... but I can't help it... my sis wouldn't be bias... she didn't said anything at the discussion... she just try to cold us down while we have argument...

I know the last post I post feel confuse and duno what I want... what I can said is I'm confuse on what I want... I want my hb to have more time with me but I don't want this to affect his work... confuse rite... I know I will be scold by some of the members here... :( I'm sorry....

actually other then this problem there have another problem which cause by this problem... from the lonelyness I have... I almost fall into some 1... I told myself I can't do that... I must stop the feelings towards the guy... coz I have a lovely hb waiting for me and care for me... and I've choose my hb I have to spend rest of my life with him... I don 1 tis to happen... I told my hb tat I need some 1 at home.. at least I wouldnt feel lonelyness around the hse... I will feel excited to go home...

last 2 weeks my sis back from NZ... they stay at my hse... at tat 2 weeks I was so excited to go home... I can't wait till the office off time to go home... coz I know some 1 at home waiting for me... even thought my sis they not at home (they went out and visit their friends) I also have tat feelings... during tat time my hb was outstation too... I didn't feel lonely... coz I know after they meet their friend they will be back... and there have some 1 accompany me at home and I've ppl to talk to.... after my sis back to NZ... we feel lack of somethg at the hse... we can't used to the quietness and lonelyness at hse.... may be is b'coz of tat I can't stand any more.... I did told my hb bout this feelings b4 he go outstation... he said I miss my sis tat y I have such feelings... I said shdn't be.. coz even our friend they come stay at my hse I also have such feelings.... after they leave I will have to same feelings too... then he said he know what I want... then he said lets try our luck to get a baby...

we still have the sparking going on our relationship... my colleagues said we like just dating like tat.... but in between we have this problem... hope tat tis problem can solve asap...

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chongsw,

actually my hb is more on supporter... but once come to problem he will be the controller...

thank for the info... I will try to used the controller way to talk to him tonite...

really appreciate it... thank u

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First up, I'm going to be frank...sorry if I offend anyone or you, Crazygal.

I'm not a psychologist but this comes from my own experience (being alone and etc) and the experiences of my friends who have gone through the same thing...

Frankly, until this problem is solved, don't have babies. Having babies and then having this problem creep up again will only cause more people to get hurt.

I find that the fact that you nearly fell for someone else because of the lack of attention from your hubby is a cause of concern - it just shows the seriousness of the situation. The last time I went through something similar was when I was dating my HB - I developed a crush on a colleague because of LDR thing, stress at work, the fact that I hardly talk to my BF and lo & behold, this person reminded me so much of when I first dated my HB. Of course, alarm bells started ringing and I told my HB about it. He too knew something like this was going to happen from the way things had been going and so we both strived to spend more time with each other or at least make the effort despite being so far away from each other.

Loneliness. You speak of loneliness a lot but did you know that you can still be lonely even when you're surrounded by people? On the contrary, I know of people who don't feel lonely even though they live by themselves, are single and well, alone all the time. IMHO, loneliness is attributed to self-worth and self-esteem. It's as if you feel that you cannot identify yourself with anyone - at work or such OR that you feel incomplete and vulnerable missing of the thought that you're missing something in life. If you're confident of the choices you have made, the life that you lead and who are you in general, I think it's very difficult for people like that to feel empty & solitude.

So, how to not feel lonely?

Well, for starters, one has to learn to accept the varying conditions of their life. Filling your house with people is only a short-term answer. You need to address and accept the fact that life is different for you now as a married woman with her own family. Do not tell yourself that you can't help feeling this way because you're not a child anymore. You're an adult with the ability to control your own emotions, life and mind. You have a lot of things that other people don't have...I won't even list it down because you and I know it. Yet, here you are saying that you feel lonely. Perhaps it's time to ask yourself if you're really happy with your life now and who you are now. If you aren't, what can you do about it?

Because if the problem lies within you as well as your HB, the both of you need to change - otherwise if he changes and it's not good enough for you, the problem will come up again.

Anyway, good luck!

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Crasygal,

You need to grow up and to be a mature woman ! You are not a little girl now and you are a wife and soon or later, you will be a mother. I can't imagine how you become a mother if you continue like this. Having a baby cannot solve your problems.

The problem is within yourself. I agree with meiteoh, it's about your self-worth and self-esteem. You need to build up your self-esteem seriously. Loneliless is a spiritual problem. It's like an emptiness in your heart, it's like there is a hole in your heart, it's like your soul is empty (xin ling kung xu - mandarin). Seriously you need to find a spiritual life to fill your heart.

I suggest you to read some books that can help you spiritually. Like Chicken Soup For The Soul for all stages in life. There are many more self-help books and spiritual books. Believe me, it helps. You may search for a religion. I myself went through your experience. What I did, I search for God, then I became a Catholic. I am not alone although there is nobody with me, because I know that Jesus is always with me wherever I am. Prayer helps a lot too. I will not share about this in details because I am not evangelise here but just to share with you my experience. Besides that, my book rack is full of the self-help and spiritual books too.

Hope what I shared will help you.

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thank u gals,

I admit that I'm weak and low at self-esteem and self-confidence...b4 that I'm worse.. no confidence at all now I'm building up my confidence and self-esteem but still lack of it... I want ppl at home with me is b'coz I feel secure with someone at the home... coz there have few times somethings happen and I'm alone and lucky I still manage to contact my relatives to help me up at my hse... tat y I scare to be alone and feel lonely....

that day I have a good talk and discussion with my hb... I tell him everything that had happen while he not around and bout the 3rd party... after telling him the thgs he only know that the problem is quite seriouse... he told me that he had talk to his boss... and his boss will try to arrange some of his job to others ppl as his customer also complain bout the long waiting time too...

hope that the solusion that we had discuss will solve the problem...

thank you all for the support and advise...

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thank u gals,

I admit that I'm weak and low at self-esteem and self-confidence...b4 that I'm worse.. no confidence at all now I'm building up my confidence and self-esteem but still lack of it... I want ppl at home with me is b'coz I feel secure with someone at the home... coz there have few times somethings happen and I'm alone and lucky I still manage to contact my relatives to help me up at my hse... tat y I scare to be alone and feel lonely....

that day I have a good talk and discussion with my hb... I tell him everything that had happen while he not around and bout the 3rd party... after telling him the thgs he only know that the problem is quite seriouse... he told me that he had talk to his boss... and his boss will try to arrange some of his job to others ppl as his customer also complain bout the long waiting time too...

hope that the solusion that we had discuss will solve the problem...

thank you all for the support and advise...

crasygal,

Glad to know that your heart-to-heart discussion with HB turn out well. Congratulation! You have done so well. Communication is really important in keeping a relationship going. I've learned it the hard way but I'm happy that things are getting better for me as well.

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Hi Crasygal,

Happy to hear from you that u finally have a open heart talk with ur HB & he is understand on it & take the initiative to talk to the boss to put on the request to reduce the travel frequency. ur HB is still very care abt u dont think negatively.

Remember communication is very important see luckily u take the 1st step to talk to ur HB if not u 2 will like seperate just because of the no-proper-communication but not the problem of u mentioned earlier.

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