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meiteoh

Hai...they are driving me insane!

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Just when I calm down and all, my parents start their nonsense again.

Now, I feed my baby every three hours from the start and she has adjusted to this schedule so much so that she wakes up on her own to feed. This afternoon, when she started making noises in her sleep, which is normal, my mum decided to pick her up coz she assumed that my baby was crying. When my baby really started to fuss, she was like "FEED HER, FEED HER" so just to shut my mum up, I fed my baby even though I had fed her like two hours ago. Then throughout the whole afternoon, my parents refused to let my baby get a full three hours sleep. Every time my baby doze off or tutup mata, my dad or my mum will come and disturb her or carry her or call her so she'll wake up again.

Then just as she finally dozed off to sleep, I started doing some packing (because we are moving). My baby was sleeping soundly and all while I was packing my stuff. Then as usual, she started making noises in my sleep. In comes my mum to kaypoh and then she started moving the crib, saying that my baby is hot, move next to the window and all (before, when I say move next to the window, she scolded me saying that baby cannot kena direct wind la, it's cold and etc). Because she started moving the crib, my baby pulak woke up and started crying & fussing. Where is my mum? Happily deny that she didn't wake my baby up and ran off with my dad to go jalan-jalan.

Before she left, she was like "FEED HER, FEED HER" and I look at my baby and she's not hungry so I refuse to use my breasts as a pacifier. That's my mum's solution to my baby's crying. Every thing is "she's hungry, feed her". It never occurred to my parents that my baby is tired and needs to sleep and them constantly hounding her is denying her just what she needs - sleep. My dad even has the cheek to comment that my baby sleeps TOO MUCH. =.=

When I tell them that she needs sleep, I pulak kena marah or worse, they ignore me and just do as they please. =.=

I'm so fed up you know. Every time my baby is nicely sleeping, my parents like to buat kacau and if they wake her up, they don't do anything about it. Instead, HB and I have to tend to her and all. You know what's even more annoying? They start laughing at us trying to pacify her. So tulan.

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I've been reading your posts, and I think your parents dont realize what they are doing. They are subscribing to that typical old-fashioned mentality. In our day and age, I guess we are more in-tune with scientific studies pertaining to our babies development, physically and mentally. Whereas, our parents didnt have the Internet and the sheer resource we enjoy today. To them, crying = hungry, babies are to be played with, they will sleep when sleepy etc.

Which brings me to this. I guess your parents are pooh-poohing (for a lack of better words) your efforts and actions because simply, they have gone through what you have gone through before. And naturally, they think they know better. Which may not necessarily be true. Perhaps they think that you are mollycoddling Eva, which is why they tend to want to wake her up.

I guess it boils down to a matter of perspective. They do not see where you are coming from and hence the clash. Apart from just putting up with it, maybe you should tell them that they did things their way, and if its ok, to please let you go through this experience your way, be it the right way or the wrong way.

Hugs.

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I dunno la, Tash. Sometimes what they say don't gel with what they do - like carrying her. They ask me to not carry her whenever she starts crying but my mum will rush to carry her at every opportunity she gets like when Eva makes some noises in her sleep, she calls it crying and will carry her. =.=

It's very tiring for me to pick up after their "mess" - thanks to my mum, I have to stay up till 11pm for the last feed before I go on demand (which tires me out) and I didn't get to nap this afternoon at all because Eva was busy fussing and all. And then at night because she didn't get enough sleep from 3pm onwards and the feeding was thrown out of whack, she went on fussing after every feed for at least one and a half hours and didn't sleep till nearly 1am only to wake up at 2am for her "demand" feed. It is at times like this that I not only feel tired for myself but also for my daughter!!!

I've tried talking to them and explaining to them to let her be sometimes but they never want to listen. They'll just go "never mind" or ignore me - as if I'm talking to the four walls.

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I really admire your patience Mabel... if it were me, I'd have kicked both my parents out and ask them to stay in a hotel somewhere, or given them an ultimatum - if you want to see your grandchild, you do it under my rules. If she's sleeping, she's sleeping. Don't touch her. If she's awake and wants to play, I'll gladly let you play with her.

Sorry if it may offend some - I'm not a mother yet, but I wouldn't want me and my child to be overtired. I can imagine being awake every 3 hours for feeds during the night - it's not easy, and if my parents make it harder for me... well out you go. My kids needs come first. And yes.. I'm that thick skinned enough to talk back to my parents, and I do it only when I think they're not respecting me enough to live the life I choose to (and that includes how I want to raise or feed my kids).

What I said above might not be helpful for you... so I'm sending more hugs your way!

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Aiii...now my HB pulak is the one who meletup today. He is totally on the edge with my parents - to him, it's his house but he can't do anything he likes; everything must ikut my parents' flow, desires and etc...even when it comes to makan, when to makan, etc.

In the afternoon, he was trying to get our daugther to sleep by letting her listen to some lullabies. My parents came back from their walk and started talking on the top of their voices. My HB was like "she's trying to sleep" and dunno whether my dad is deaf or what, he went to the bathroom and turned on the tap full blast, causing my daugther to wake up. My HB came storming into the room and etc...

During lunch, I casually remarked that we should eat more veg because out of four dishes on the table, only one was vegetable while the rest was just meat, meat and more meat. My dad was like "it's no longer your kitchen, you have no say, you eat what your mum cook, when you're in SG, you can cook whatever you want". That wasn't even what I meant to say. My mum has been complaining to me that my dad refuses to eat veg and fruits AND suffers from high cholesterol. The doc even ask him to cut down on meat. That veg dish on the table, my dad didn't even take two spoonfuls! My HB was there and he pulak got more upset about it than me.

Later in the evening, my HB was weighing the boxes (we're moving) using the bathroom scale. My mum comes to kaypoh while my HB was carrying a box in his hand and stands in his way. Must ask her to move baru she can get the hint that people are doing stuff.

After that, my parents start cooking and setting the table at 530pm. Lagi my HB naik bengang. Kept bugging us to eat. My daugther baru makan so was about to doze off. I had to tell them that we would eat later three bloody times and every time my parents came to call us, my daugther would wake up. Main until she couldn't sleep for the next two hours - as I'm typing this, she has just slept and I'd have to wake her up in an hour for her next feed. *sigh*

Then, my HB opened the fridge to get some water and he naik bengang at what he saw. Over here, cheese is sold by the block and when people want to eat, they just slice from the block. My dad, dunno what he was thinking, decided to slice the entire block into thin slices. I saw him doing it yesterday and I told him nicely that if he wanted to do that, he should do it for himself and not the entire block because other people would want to eat from the block as well but not in thin slices plus if you slice it that thin, it would dry out faster. He ignored me. Even my mum also told him the same thing - cut only for yourself. He told her that he likes it this thin, so he's slicing the whole block.

Anyway, my HB saw the stupid thin slices and that totally set him off again. His reason is like I said - it's his house but he can't do anything he likes and he has to change his entire way of life to accomodate my parents, which he feels is too much.

My mum has been telling my dad that this isn't his house and etc but my dad always goes "never mind la" or "not I pay" and excuses that basically say that he doesn't really care and he wants US to change our way of life to suit him.

I dunno la...sometimes I feel like renting a hotel room and staying there with my daugther until my parents go home. =.=

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Mabel,

I can understand how you feel, especially I have a father which is kinda similar like your father.

If my parents come to my house, I'm always ok with my mum but not my dad =( he will complain whatever we have at home, whatever we buy for the house, even we spent beribu-ribu for the items to him he still can complain that the quality isn't that good, we kena conned! >.< alamak!!! Even there's once, he complain the wardrobe quality is lousy infront of the carpenter =.=!!!! then I quickly get my mum to pull him out from the room O.o My dad also refuses to take vege or I have to say he hates veges! >.<

Dear, I believe your dad wasn't like that before, right? according to my mum, my dad wasn't like these before but lately (these few years) he has slowly evovled into another 'person', I tell you how my mum handles my dad =P hehehe .. if my dad is too much, my mum will start to do her acting and scare my dad to death, then my dad will be a better person for .. at least 2 weeks =D and it happened 2 months ago, my dad nagging2 none-stop over a small matter until my mum couldn't take it and burst! I know she acts out but it scares my dad and my nieces, they quickly call to me and ask me to go home =D so after that my dad temporary become a good person for 2 weeks, sigh just 2 weeks then slowly back to his own again but I know my mum knows how to handle him.

Mabel, I believe you know how to handle your parents well =) I admire your patience, if I were you I already meletup! hahahaah guess I meletup too much in front of my mum thus she will not do anything that I don't like and I will not do anything that she doesn't like too but she cannot force me to do the things that I don't want to do =P

When your parents are leaving? after your confinement?

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meiteoh,

By the way, just how long more your parents are going to be around? I worry that you're already on the verge of exploding with pent up exasperation. I don't think this is good for your system; especially for a new mum like you.

Fortunately the situation has not caused any friction between you and your husband. This is all because your husband is reasonable man and he knows it is not right to vent his anger on you. And without any intention to flatter you, I must say you are also a very tactful person in the sense that you have not been defensive of your father's behaviour. There're many couples who quarrel because of parents' intermeddling into their home's affairs, and it's very often due to one partner being defensive of his or her parents.

Well, meiteoh, if you feel you cannot hold it out any longer, maybe you can ask your mum to frankly tell your dad, once and for all, that he has been annoying you both a lot all this while, and if he continues to do so, you would move out to stay in a hotel until he says "sayonara".

Ooops! Omigosh! What have I done? Have I instigated you to quarrel with your father? No, no that's not my intention. Anyway, I have confidence you know what to do because you're the one who's on the spot facing the situation.

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i assume your parents are there to see you and your baby. cos it seems like they have nothing to do other than taking care/playing with you bb..

what if give ur parents sth to do? distract them, let them watch tv or go out jalan jalan whole day? maybe u can shut the door and stay with bb , just give whatever excuse to make them go out in the afternoon?

yea...ask you to live their way and changing your lifestyle is very annoying..if i were u, i will explode too..

i would release my stress and anger and tell them how much inconvenience they brought by changing my lifesyles and all....i dont want to risk myself being depressed as a middle person..

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Ling & Apek, they are leaving way after the confinement - after HB and I ciao for Singapore (30 August) so we have another month to go. I dunno la...even my mum "spoils" him to a degree and let him do whatever he wants. So HB and I are pretty much on my own. Already, my HB is worried that he's going to buat kacau at my HB's family home - Dad's been asking about it, whether it's just me and them staying there and all that... @.@

I feel sorry for my HB because I can't go anywhere so he has to entertain my parents which means he has not had a day away from them for a while. Hopefully he'll be able to go hang out with his friends this weekend, otherwise, I doubt he'll be able to tahan more. :/

Panda, they do go out, watch TV, go online, jalan-jalan and all but still, can buat kacau until like that. Honestly, they are like that with my bro back in PJ so it doesn't matter if they have things to do. :S

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Mabel,

mmm .. about a mth to go, guess both of you have to tahan2, let your HB has a break from all these, relax and enjoy with his friends.

I think, once both of you moved to Sg, they will visit Eva more often @.@ gesss ..

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Mabel,

Oh dear.. the situation seems to worsen everytime I see you post. You and your husband are really patient. I think if my dad was like that, my HB and I would've quarrelled coz I'm sure he'd complain to me and I can't do anything about it coz I'm annoyed too. My HB would've gone out long long time ago to take a breather. I guess it's really your dad that's causing so much problem. Maybe you and your HB should sit them down and tell them firmly about it. I know they may not like it especially your dad since he's saying things like "if not I pay for the rent" or something like that. It really shows his immaturity as a dad. Or alternatively why don't you cry in front of him and ask him why is he being so difficult?? Do you think it'll soften him a bit and make him realize he's hurting both you and your HB? I hope you don't get depression out of all these coz 30 AUgust is a looong way to go and by the way your dad is it's gonna feel even longer! You should get your HB to go out even if he doesn't want to. I think he needs some fresh air! Poor him! And you of coz! *hugz* I hope time flies for your sake!

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i am speechless after reading all the post here... i think there are no words that can help u to forget everything that just happens..

but again, life goes on. so no matter what happen, we still need to go thru all the up and downs of life.

my dad is not social type of ppl either. he will always complain on what my wife and i did whenever she come to stay at my hse with me to overnight during weekend.. as i have not get my own house.. so still staying with both my parents... then u will hear he start to complain to me and my mother.. hai.. then we always stuck in the middle just like u lor.

but we always look at the bright side and try to avoid him when ever he starts to complains.. hehehee

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Ling, you've got that right! They are planning to drop by like every public holiday and etc. Aiii.

Diana, tears? Won't work. My dad thinks tears are a sign that a person is not in control of their emotions and therefore incapable of being rationale. =.= It pisses him off even more.

Jusco, you know...yesterday, my dad started the whole "you have too many things" lecture and I was carrying my baby coz trying to get her to sleep. Halfway, I excused myself to put her to sleep. Know what my dad said to my mum (and he knows I can hear him)? "See la. Talk to her, she run off. Bad daugther."

*sigh*

Dunno la folks...

I honestly don't know how we're going to cope coz this morning, my mum fired me off in the kitchen with "your dad is angry because you people like to cucuk him" and etc. WTH. How is asking you to be more considerate of other people, turn off the toilet light, to flush the toilet after use, to eat more veg (as per doc's instructions) and all akin to "cucuk"?

When I try to explain my HB's position to her, she told me off - "we are your parents and we are your guests, and somemore we won't be staying with you for any longer. The way he say that there are other people in the house and that your dad should consider that as well is rude!". And she keep saying that they shouldn't have to adapt and change to our lifestyle and etc...all the while I was trying to tell my mum that my HB was having a hard time adapting to THEIR lifestyle and habits. I wasn't even asking them to change to suit us. Sometimes I swear my parents LOVEEEE the sound of their own voices.

Then when I try to talk to my HB to get him to tahan a little more, I got the whole "guests don't go around treating the house like theirs, doing things the way your dad does things - leaving the lights on, doing whatever he likes and excusing it to 'I'm not paying', and I've tolerated enough. I've changed a lot to suit them but I don't see your dad making any effort at all". *sigh* You could say that we had a minor tiff this morning because of this whole damn thing.

Gosh, I swear it feels like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. =.=

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Mabel oh Mabel. I also donno what else to advice you. You definitely sound like you're gonna breakdown anytime soon! I hope this won't strain your relationship with your HB. And I thought your mom was more understanding. Your dad should understand the theory of cleaning up after himself! Plus leaving lights on will be a waste of electricity! another big big *HUGZ* from me!

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meiteoh,

Be patient and tolenrate. Juz let them be. I mean if ur dad did not turned off the light, don sound him anymore since he never do. I guess he doesn't mean to do that coz we can't xpect someone to change their bad habits in short term. Tell u wat, last time my hubby also sound me for not off the toilet light after use. See, i don mean to do that, but, i always forgot, dono y. Habits i guess, but, then, after 3-4 months, i do change and off the light everytime after use. Just close one eyes and both of u will be happy. U got wat i mean? not easy, but, u have too coz u now on confinement,muz take care of ur emosion,otherwise u get depressed. Eg: if ur dad keep complaining this and that, u juz keep quite and he will understand ur mean. No point to show face to him coz this will only make a conflict btwn both of u. I know that u r 'tersempit' in btwn ur hubby and parents. Wat to do? Both we love so much. Ask ur hubby to 'tahan' a little bit more. And u muz not complaining ur own parents in front of ur hubby coz this will make ur hubby got no respect to them. Juz told him the positive words like 'my parents is like that,pls bear wt them.' Don tell him that ' My dad is this and this and this...

I know its not easy for not sound when we see smthg different. take an example,the cheese block. Ur dad make it into slices,rite? My dad ever did the same things like ur dad. Wat i do is juz let it be,maybe he like it this way,so i respect his decision. Then, when my hubby asked, i said to him, juz eat wat u see,don ask. haha... Mabel, not everyones will do and think exactly like us. There muz be a different and wat we can do is juz be patient and keep one eyes close. u have to accept and tolenrate wt him juz like when u r living wt him from baby till u get married. Old folks r like that and they get hurt easily. I'm juz wori about u coz if u keep unsastified wt ur parents, its will effect ur emotion coz u r now in confinement. U muz be in happy mode,not anger. When ever u tak tahan when see wat they did, tell urself to be positive thinking by close one eyes and don let anger controlling u.

I dono how to describe in better words but i hope u get wat i mean. Take care urself during confinement.

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mabel,

Luckily is every public holiday and not every weekend >.<

Look at the positive side, your parents care about your family thus they don't mind to travel to visit your family otherwise they can not to bother about it. =)

Maybe you can set a rule for them to visit you when you already settled down in sg!? mmm .. wonder will it work!?

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meiteoh,

You mean you and family are moving to Singapore and reside there? And your parents are gonna visit you every weekend? Oh! Then that REALLY is indeed a source of worry for you. Which means, you do have to find a solution to your problem as soon as possible. Otherwise, when you are already in Singapore you will be confronted with the same old stress.

I'm going to be very blunt with you for a moment, meiteoh. Do you agree with me that a daughter has the right to scold her father if she is not happy with him? A parent does not mean he or she has full authority to dominate their children.

Let me put it in a less confrontational way to express what I mean. Let me take I myself as an example. The way I see myself as a father to my kids is like this: As far as my status is concerned, I see myself as only the biological source of my children. Although I have been a partner to feed them, cloth them, protect them, and bring them up, those are my inevitable responsibilities. I cannot use this fact to regard that my children owe me a favour and therefore I demand full kowtow from them. On quite a few accasions, I have been scolded by my children. If I see that they do have a good reason to scold me, I just accept it. Believe it or not, when I was first scolded by my very young daughter, instead of being angry at her, I felt proud and happy. That was because I suddenly realised that the kid had begun to know her rights as a human being and she also began to know what was right and what was wrong.

But of course, the way of the scolding must be diplomatic. Foul languages should never acceptable, least of all between family members.

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I kinda disagree there little angel. If we can respect them enough to allow them their 'bad habits' and not say a word, why can't they do the same for us - to respect our lifestyle and habits? Sure enough we may eat less rice than they have eaten salt, but what good is there if the old people do not respect us enough to behave themselves in our own home?

I would feel really pissed as well if my parents went around MY house leaving the lights on (when it isn't them who is paying the electricity bill), not flushing the toilets (disgusting!) and all that. They should understand that they are a GUEST, and guests don't do things like that. I would have turned out guests who think they own MY house, parents or no parents. It just shows that they have little or no respect for the host.

I honestly do not believe that the young generation has to just 'tahan' our elders habits for the very silly reason that 'they are old and we should be patient'. The way I see it, if I have to behave myself under your (parents) roof, you should probably do the same under MY roof. Especially if they have taught us to behave ourselves when we are a guest in another's home, and they're not practicing what they preach in their own child's home.

Mabel, I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I can't give you any better advice. Virtual hugs are the best I can do... and I know that you alone know how to handle your parents best. But I think instead of letting it fester (and if the parents think they can get away with it now, they will definitely try your limits again later).

The way I see it is like training a little kid, you tell them not to touch the chocolates and they do it anyway, just to see how far your patience goes. Unfortunately, the 'kids' are our parents, and it is the Chinese/Asian way to 'just take it as it is'. This I disagree strongly with.

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Thanks for the advice, suggestion and virtual hugs. Love this forum for a number of reasons and this is one of them! :smile:

LA, my HB and I do have a lot of patience but even our patience has a limit. You know, when I diam every time my dad complains and lectures us, he takes it as a sign to say more. I'm just worried that if they are going to come over regularly, that this will never end and they'll only have more to say. Ultimately, it'll end up like how my bro is with my parents - hardly visits, hardly says more than two words to my parents and all that.

Ling, already here also they are saying that guests shouldn't have to follow house rules and all that. So what more SG... :(

Apek, lets just say that they'll drop by regularly enough and already my HB is darn worried because 1) no independence, 2) no chance to enjoy a holiday on our own and 3) if they stay more than two weeks, it's going to be tough. As for me, why else would I hesitate to answer people whenever they go "Oh you must be happy to move back to SG! You'll be closer to family". *chokes and dies*

To a degree, I do agree with you - children should be on equal footing with their parents and allowed to rebuke their parents if they have done anything wrong. BUT my parents are very old fashioned. To correct them means 1) they lose face and 2) you are rude. I have done it a number of times before - very politely and tactfully - and was told to either shut up, mind my own business or that I have no right to tell my parents off.

DA, dunnola. Short of ignoring them and being my brother, I really don't know what else to do. Already I'm slowly turning into him - whenever my dad starts the whole "you have too many things, don't buy stuff in SG" (but they want to bring their junk over @.@ ), "you should do this and that", I just keep quiet and pretend I didn't hear him. I know it pisses him off sometimes but really, my HB has told him before that we both are adults and we know what we are doing, it'd be nice if they didn't treat us like children and yet...still like that.

Sometimes I wonder if my parents are happy that I fought with my HB over this because they keep harping on "we are your parents", "we are your parents" and that I should support them instead of my HB. =.=

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mabel,

>.< alamak! that's mean wherever they go, they are the rules and regulations *faint* cham!

If I were you I'm not looking forward of the moving to Sg, that will be more 'nightmares' opss .. so sorry to say that =P

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erm, there's still time to scavenge for another job in europe?! yikes, how to look fwd to spore like tat?

any chance of just thanking them for coming all the way to help during confinement, but dowan to see them all tired out, its ok if they go back to KL earlier? e.g. next week?

btw, i recall earlier u had a hard time persuading yr dad to come during yr confinemt, mebbe should hv persuaded less!! ah well... hindsight is too late :sad:

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Well, HB has been attending interviews right up till this week but no luck. So kena pergi Singapore jugak. My parents will be going for a tour around Spain and Portugal after we leave for Singapore - so I doubt they'll want to return to KL next week. *sigh*

Yeah, my dad initially didn't want to come for so long and blah, blah. Like you said, maybe in future, I won't bother asking at all.

*double sigh*

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....like that i also donno what to say already..haie...speechless..@@

your father think his daughter house=his own house, all follow his rules...very hard to tackle la...@@

since u are still in confinement period, if you can't change the situation, just open one eye close one eye lo... most important thing is dont stress yourself, everything also focus on you and your bb's health..the rest just let it be..@@

sad to hear you had a row with your hb because of your parents, somemore during confinement.. > <...take care..

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We finally got a break from my parents for a few days - my HB called practically everyone in his family to rant (how embarrassing for me) and his uncle who has just retired (and was spending some time with my FIL in the mountains) called and suggested that he come over and take my parents to the family house in the village in France for the next few days. We'll meet them again after the move on Wednesday. My parents said okay and today is the first day we've had as a new family unit.

With the trip to Singapore drawing nearer, I am beginning to get really worried about how this will impact my relationship with my HB in the long run. Just today, while we were having our first lunch as a couple together, he remarked that one month with my parents is just too long. *sigh*

I'm honestly at my wits' end coz I've tried everything short of being really rude and telling them to stay away. :/

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Hey Mabel. Glad that you hv some freedom for a few days now. I guess all you can do now is value the ti,e you have as a new family. You won't be getting it when they're back. Maybe talk it through with your HB since it's a few days and everyone can be calm without the matter at hand. Take care! Hope baby Eva's getting a normal sleep pattern now!

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