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koochie2

Marriage dilemma.. Need some serious advise!

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i think by no keeping yr promise to your partner is some sense i consider a betrayal... be it what the promise is about... a promise is meant to be kept & not to be broken... of course in this case what ever done is done but he need to understand & know that this shld not be repeated... it does hurts when the one u trusted most play you out.... dont forget when u both get married that time you have taken a vow to be truthful & honest to each other... to go truth good & bad & everything together & not achieving one's goal by hanky panky .... & also the vow of respecting yr partners... so when u breach that... tat is consider a form of betrayal... only different is the degree of severity of the betrayal only...

dont get me wrong... i myself is ttcing since married & i have tones of complication tat causing my chance to drop till 25% only... and i am 30 now turning 31 next year with a 42yrs old (next year) hubby.... but still the respect of one not ready to have the bb must be there... if not wat is the point of being married?? remember... u are married to each other... not being bought back with $$ for reproduction purposes only... so pls do have respect for each other needs....

As for Andre's case.... no point talking to him... he will not understand... he claim he is not ego.. but from the things he commented... he is... to help out on & off & to actually taking care is 2 different thing.... to help out = u can choose when & what u wanna help out with... to take care = u cannot choose... A-Z Z-A all u have to take care... so the amount of responsibility is totally very very different... if you really want to know how difficut it is.. very simple switch task with ur mom for 1mth.. u bcome yr mom... do all the things she do.. from hse work to cooking to taking care kids 100% 24hrs round.... she will only pop in to help u out once a while.. in small things like feeding.. or change napkin when she feel like it... den come back here & tell us.. if it is still the same... if yes.. den i must say u r an extra odinary man.. & who ever married you is very lucky.. coz they can actually have a 100% true hse husband & concentrate on their work.. only thing is to carried the bb till full term & den dump it to u to take care... :smile:

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koochie2, There are many women who have healthy babies in their 30s but the truth is, the risk does increase with age but at 29, you are still very safe. However, do bear in mind that "we can only plan but God decides", hence its not like you will get pregnant when you suddeny want to.

Hence, if its family planning that u want and you have an unwilling partner, consider the "implant". Its much better than taking the Pill. 99.95% realible, and once "implanted", it can work up to 3-years and your Parter won't even know its there.

However, you still have to work out the issue with your HB and his family wanting kids. You have to work out with your HB and tell him that kids is just between u and him, if his famly really wants kids, you can ask them to adopt a kid but jokes aside, an unwanted pregnancy can break marriages apart.

Both of you must be financially ready and also emotionally ready. It is obvious that you are not emotionally ready and also think that u are not financially ready. What about your HB? Unless he comes from a rich family, most men at the age of 26 are not financially ready, unless they are working for Boston Consulting and earning RM20K a month. Good luck.

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As for Andre's case.... no point talking to him... he will not understand... he claim he is not ego.. but from the things he commented... he is... to help out on & off & to actually taking care is 2 different thing.... to help out = u can choose when & what u wanna help out with... to take care = u cannot choose... A-Z Z-A all u have to take care... so the amount of responsibility is totally very very different... if you really want to know how difficut it is.. very simple switch task with ur mom for 1mth.. u bcome yr mom... do all the things she do.. from hse work to cooking to taking care kids 100% 24hrs round.... she will only pop in to help u out once a while.. in small things like feeding.. or change napkin when she feel like it... den come back here & tell us.. if it is still the same... if yes.. den i must say u r an extra odinary man.. & who ever married you is very lucky.. coz they can actually have a 100% true hse husband & concentrate on their work.. only thing is to carried the bb till full term & den dump it to u to take care... :smile:

I do not feel the need to reiterate what I have done in the past to satisfy your hunger to diss man. I know very well how 'tai lam yan' is like seeing my dad myself, as well as my uncles from a generation above me. I know how much my mum went through and did my best to help her out as much as I could. No point telling how hard its gonna be when its clear that TS plan to continue working and have a bb sitter. End.

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Hi all! Thanks for all the advises. I've juz came bac from a vacation with HB. We had a great time. We realli had a heart to heart talk and he promised me dat dis will not happen again. Some might thk dat im too easily give in but i do not wan becoz of dis affects our marriage. I am pissed off wen i knw dat he did it on purpose but after much consideration, i knw dat is also becoz he desperateli wanted our own bb. Ive told him how i feel abt dis bb matter and dat he would respect my decision. I'm considered very lucky to have a very understanding and matured hb. We've been dating for almost 5 yrs before we decided to get married. Wen im at the age of 25, i've told him dat in order for us to b together, he have to b financialli stable. He is stil young for his age at 22yrs old but he asked me to give him 3 yrs time to build up his career. Indeed, he realli worked hard and establish his own hardware shop within 3 yrs time. He might not be very successful yet but his business is stable. For guys at his age, they will stil be fooling around, having fun and might not have plannings for their life, but for him, he knw dat he has to give us a stable life der4 he have to worked hard for it. I knw he did sacrifice a lot for me so i shud also stand at his POV too. He said dat is not all juz for e bb but he is worried for my health, afraid dat e later i conceive, e more dangerous it is. So i told him dat we will try TTC next yr. I guess in marriage we have to learn to give and take. If we are realli dat lucky to hav bb in 2 yrs time, i ll resign from my job and open my own boutique. It's not easy to give up the job im having now but if we were to have a bb, somehow we have to make some sacrifices. If not this prob can never be resolve. But i'll stil have my own career despite having a bb.

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Hi koochie, so glad to hear that you and ur hb have reached a compromise. Actually I was sort of in the same position as you 2 years ago. Got married at 27, hubby was then 30. Before marriage, I told him that I wanted us to have a honeymoon period of 2 years to understand each other and also to establish our marriage. I just wasn't physically and emotionally ready to be a mother just yet.

When I was 28, hubby was starting to get 'ideas' from his parents not to leave it too late to have a baby. Well, at that time, I panicked too ( could hear my biological clock ticking ) but still, I wasn't ready to have a baby just yet. So I told him, give me one year to prepare myself ( physically - and I actually went through a year of cleansing/de-toxing and building up the my physical health and mentally - though I love babies very much, I still doubted my ability to be responsible for caring for a human being who's so helpless and tiny ). So this year, at grand old age of 30, we finally started TTC in May and I'm really, really thankful to God that He had the grace to bless us with a baby on our first try.

I'm doing well in my career. I don't think I'm an ambitious person but somehow, I got promoted twice within the last 5 years by just making sure that I complete my projects with meticulous care ( which comes not out of ambition, but rather, of habit...hehe ). Sometimes, I'm torn btw wanting to climb the ladder ( it feels so good to have financial freedom, to not have to depend or ask permission from anyone if I wanted to indulge myself or splurge on anything ) and btw giving it all up for my family. Still undecided till last month, I rejected an offer w/o even further thinking for overseas travel to handle a mega project ( which will take place shortly after my confinement next year and is a good opportunity to make a good impression on the boss, if handled well and high possibility, a big promotion in the near future ).

Imagine, I turned down this offer because I've decided breastfeeding my baby is more important ( if travel for a few months, no food for baby and breastmilk will dry up )....hehehe, incidentally, this is also the reason I gave my boss. So after this incident, I tell myself, no matter how smart, how capable or how well I'm doing in my career, deep down inside, I just want to be a good mama to my baby.

All I can say, maternal instinct and that yearning to have a baby of your own to love......it will come when it is the right time for you. :)

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Koochie,

I just finished reading this thread and I can understand your feelings. I was like you too, I wanted to wait a year after marriage so that we can spend some time being a married couple. But I accidentally got pregnant right after my wedding. I was 35 then so Koochie..30 is not too old to start having a baby. Except for the initial few months of evening sickness and bloating, my pregnancy was trouble-free and I was a happy mommy-to-be. For your info, I worked till the day I gave birth.

But I was not happy when I found out I was pregnant. I was still not ready to have a baby, but my hb was overjoyed. But God taught me a lesson to appreciate and be grateful for what I have.

Regardless of what I have written above, one has to be ready to have a baby bfore starting to conceive. Your hb may be dying to have a baby but if you're not ready, he shouldnt force you. If you're not ready, you're just not ready! Dont have a baby just to please your hb, your MIL & family or just because age is catching up with you. Cos like what you wrote bfore, you are the one that will have to carry the baby for 9 months and also suffer all the nausea, etc. And in the end, no matter what your hb says now, the responsibility of taking care of your baby will eventually fall back to you.

I can tell you..after I had my daughter, I gave up my freedom, my social life, my lifestyle etc. I havent been for a facial in 18 months! But I gave birth to her and Im her mom. She's now here and I have to care and love her in the best possible way that I can. I see some girls getting pregnant when they're not ready to accept the responsibility. Then they dump their babies on their moms or MILs and go out partying like they're still singles. Isnt that even worse? There's this 2yr old boy that I know whose parents left him with the grandparents. The grandparents own a restaurant so the poor boy is taken care by the Indo maid. Im not sure where his parents are, they hardly visit him. So Koochie, I see you as a very mature person, you know you're not ready for the heavy responsibility yet and would like to wait bfore bringing an innocent life into this world. Im sure you're going to be a great mom 1 day :biggrin:

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Hi all~ It's been quite some time since i last log into this forum. Wanted to share the good news with you guys here. Yes, i am PREGNANT! Haha~ U know, i didn't know i would be this happy the moment i get to know i'm 2 months pregnant. Cos ever since the ejaculation-on-purpose issue, my hb tried not to bring up the bb topic with me and i know that he didn't want me to get pressure with it. But i know he realli wanted a bb so i finally gave in and agreed. He have been a very lovely hb all this while and i dun wan becos of this, he get disappointed o unhappy with it. Thanks god that i'm able to conceive cos i know that it's not in our control if we are able to conceive o not. And i'm very grateful. =) Once we are at the anakku store wanted to get a gift for my cuz sis's baby boy, he was telling me that the clothings are so cute and that he say if we hv our bb in the future, we will get all these items for them. So silly. But i didn't know that he will want the bb so much more then i do. I don't really feel any different considering now only 2 months. But my hb already tell me to stop working already. -.-" Cos he says that this is my first bb and im already 30yrs old so must be xtra careful. Well, i do appreciate his caring and understanding to me all this while but he can realli be a bit overly worried for me. The other day i wanted to take some plates from kitchen cabinet above but can't reach so i stand up a stool and get it. E moment he saw me, he sorta yell at me like "hoooiiiii~ wat u doing!!" I mean not realli the loud type of yelling lar, just u know the very anxious and worried kinda tone... i was thinking actually nothing wan but he like this make me lagi easy fall down. Then he start to ramble saying y i alwiz dun listen wat he says la, already told me not to do all this "stunt-man" action di... and suddenly i realize that i married a very cheong-hei (long winded) hb. Aish. Ok, i know i'm lucky to have such a caring hb. But he is a bit overly protecting me, making me do wat also like not comfortable. And i thought like oni 2 months so we can still slp together but mana tau, the other day he suddenly take pillow go to the guest room slp. I was like y the sudden cold treatment pulak. And he told me later he kick the bb very cham. I slap my forehead. So he insisted slping in a different room cos he say scared at night will have the sudden need and lose control..... sigh. I really dun have experience in this considering this is my 1st child... but wat my hb is doing realli a bit annoys me... i dunno... in some way...

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koochie2,

First of all, congrats =)

Your HB is too careful and this baby is very precious to him thus he will react as this and he didn't know he is annoy you. The best is to consult with your gynae and let your gynae talks to him. =)

I'm now 25 weeks pregnant, I still work and walk as usual =P and in fact need more walk if you opt for natural birth. I still drive myself to and fro work and still doing some grocery shopping (light one) alone.

As to sleep at separate room, that is not necessary and he needs to be beside you. Regarding about the intercourse, nar .. you can have intercourse but not the 'wild' game as before (assuming) =P and he just need to be careful with it.

Now every night my HB will massage my back, my legs and have a short chit chat before bed and I always want to face him so that I feel secure. =)

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Congratulations Koochie! Yeah like what BG say coz 1st bb ma but of coz a little over la hehe and like what BG has suggested maybe get your gynae to tell him it's ok to have intercourse if not 9 months so long how to tahan? and it's not only 9 months ok! Coz when bb is born u'll be so tired you won't wanna do anything but sleep after feeding bb! Can also show him reading materials that say you can have intercourse even until the day you're about to deliver. So tell him don't hv to be so kan cheong..relax a bit hehe

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Congratulations Koochie! Yeah like what BG say coz 1st bb ma but of coz a little over la hehe and like what BG has suggested maybe get your gynae to tell him it's ok to have intercourse if not 9 months so long how to tahan? and it's not only 9 months ok! Coz when bb is born u'll be so tired you won't wanna do anything but sleep after feeding bb! Can also show him reading materials that say you can have intercourse even until the day you're about to deliver. So tell him don't hv to be so kan cheong..relax a bit hehe

Hi Congrats !! finally its a happy ending where i believe your hb will love you & the bb more in future with all his love. Glad to hear that ;)

Well my story i would like to get some advice too here from all sisters. I am so sad..im been marry ror 7 months now and b4 we get marry my hubby argeed to try & have baby coz i love to have bb so much and he got no objection to try on. But now situation seems all changed since 3 months ago. he got jobless and tend to be quick temper and very sensitive on anything basically on everything i do or say... In fact b4 this incident , we are already seldom to have sex d due to our work..from then he always said he is tired. Ok never mind i fully undertsand so dress up for him hopefully will get his mood back. But seems not working. Officially we never try & conceive even we did make up coz at the wrong timing. i am still ok with it,coz couple tend to have problems & arguement due to daily activity and many thigns involved. But he seems not interest to have sex at all. theres totally person compred while we still pak toh that time. and it auto related another which now everything i do he also not happy and blamed me said im trouble him this and that..like yesterday i forgot to shower the dog..he called me and scolded me like no one business. And many many simple thing i did he also dun feel satisfy. It makes me more sad specially i think of having baby part. Nwo i felt he like avoiding doing it with me, and witour making up how am i going to get pregnant??

what should i do now, i try to conform him that the situation is not that bad,losign a job sure u will fine others better. But he said i sympathy him, i did my best to support and encourage him in everyway in term of financially and emotionally. He now is doing part time for his fren while waiting a response from an overseas offer who the director will personally meeting up with him on this coming sunday. If all going well..he will get the job and i think soon our financial problems will be solve soon.

Then my 2nd concern is , we are not lovely as b4 d..and he told me not to have kids for time being is ok and i would say havign baby thingy is not depends on you wanted it will get it. I fully undertsand this. But it all about his attitude now.

My concern is..do you think sex is important to spice up the couple life while they are down or for man if they are facing problems . Are they no mood in all these,yet here i am thinking that he mo more interested into me or he got 3rd party.Now most of the time i the 1ho ask for it,and he always said he is tried and evne we did it..always half way stopped. I really felt somehting has gone wrong between us.Because of this i think and always imagine that he don't wnat me or lie to me. Honesty, i never though of all these b4 at all but now why i am so worried on everything?? Then obvioulsy, i relate it and alwyas imagine whats will going to happen if he gone to overseas for work; will he find or approach girls around and yet left me alone here waiting for him...

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nie, i understand yr feelings. IMHO, it seems that men who reach the age of 30's will loose the desire to hv sex. Might be due to workload or stress. You can observe through his daily task/routine.Does he always possessed with work?Stress due to his career and financial issue? I believe all this does related to the sex aspect. Did you try to comfort him, having a chat? A holiday will makes things get better?

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nie, i understand yr feelings. IMHO, it seems that men who reach the age of 30's will loose the desire to hv sex. Might be due to workload or stress. You can observe through his daily task/routine.Does he always possessed with work?Stress due to his career and financial issue? I believe all this does related to the sex aspect. Did you try to comfort him, having a chat? A holiday will makes things get better?

UniqueSoul,

Thanks for your advice. Hmm..we both are at mid 30's and he is a sportsman since he is young. So he worked out a lot and sport is his job. As last time i dont find any difficulty to have sex. The main point is he got no ejaculation, this is the main point i worried about pLus he is so down now, i fully undertsand. But the problems myself havign heart feeling too that tht he refused to talk about it . So what can i do now is to be tolerant and be patience and time will prove all?? is this only way..i speak up about his job offer,he got mad..no talkign about the bbb thing la..he lagi mad at me. We now hardly can talk.

I did seek for doc advice . According to her, may be is due to his current situation that indirectly effect his emotional which not serious that we are not fertile. But she said if the problems still going and not havign sex, even yes not ejact. Then we may facign big marital problems. Doc adviced it will be best if he could see her personally so she have a body check out for him & help him to recover. Yes i did comfort him too in many ways but i never told him that i went for a doc and request him to go see her. what should i do??? oh...now im even preparing for wedding dinner & pre weddign pic..and involved $$$$$$$$$$..Gosh...we are totally out of communication..coz everything mentioned will related with $$$$.

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Ooops..I taught you're already married to him. I guess since $$ is a concern due to the wedding, honestly a man wouldn't opt for having a baby now which will add up more burden,right? The impact of wedding and speed up with pregnancy and baby is huge,,i mean huge. However, with no eja is a bit troublesome. What seems to turn him off so suddenly by stopping half way? Studies shows that having sex will release tension and stress but i doubt it. Most of my friend's do complain about their bfs, which is the same problem, lack of sex and skill and tired due to work.

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Ooops..I taught you're already married to him. I guess since $ is a concern due to the wedding, honestly a man wouldn't opt for having a baby now which will add up more burden,right? The impact of wedding and speed up with pregnancy and baby is huge,,i mean huge. However, with no eja is a bit troublesome. What seems to turn him off so suddenly by stopping half way? Studies shows that having sex will release tension and stress but i doubt it. Most of my friend's do complain about their bfs, which is the same problem, lack of sex and skill and tired due to work.

Oh yeah i i did mentioned married, in fact is registered for past 1 year d...yeah as you mentioned earlier..some of your frens did complain too, the real reason it will only their partner knows only,even i dun understand why my partner beign like this.

Hmm..yeah i do argeed with u that i got a doubt too on HIM that the research shwon that having sex will release tention & etc....frankly i never encountered this prob b4 and it really happen to me and he is my hubby!! He just stop half way like that when he felt tired and he never care about my feeling as i understand making it up both need communication, but i can say he like for his satisfacation only and always neglect me..been 8 months d he never eja....sigh..i think only time will help or it only will have to depends on my hb himself how he want out marriage life to be i guess...i spent quick a lot for lingerie funny stuff to cheer him up..he just a word : " oh looks good on you"..i mean like huh?? thats all..now i startign to give up to get all this notti stuff & lignerie for 4 months d...

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Well.. did u try on alcohol? Red/white wine do help. But do not drink until drunk of coz.hahah..

Anyway, its a bit worrisome for the eja matter,maybe should seek for doctor's advise, i'm sure he realize that this is a serious problem.

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