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From day one i marry my hb, then i know my MIL very not fair to me. She always think of my hb's bro's family. She takes good care of his family and children. I feel very upset and angry. What can i do?

My MIL take good care of my nieces. My child i need to take care by my own once i back from work. She will help my SIL to feed and bath her children even my SIL is at home. My child? I need to take care by my own. My child affected with HFMD, then she only comes to visit but not offer to help me to take care, even now i pregnant. Then the nieces also affected, then she is the only who take care them.

I really hate them. Everytime they will do the decisions by their own. Last minute then only inform what they are going to do. We only can accept. How can i tolerate??

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Erm, I don't exactly know the full story but here's my two cents worth:

In my own personal experience, them "deciding themselves and informing us at the last minute" is because both me n HB was not proactive in asking them, reminding them or discussing it with them.

Perhaps what you need is communication. My PIL often don't tell us things cos we're not around.. it's like you live yours and we live ours.

These feelings which you have, I reckon must have been festering for a while now... have you taken any proactive steps to resolve it? Sometimes even my mum reminds me: If you want something open your mouth & ask. Have you asked your MIL if it is possible to help take care of your BB? Do you try to spend more time with your MIL? Or you can try to invite her over to your house to stay for a while as a guest and not as ur nanny.

What does your HB have to say about that?

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Currently i'm 32 weeks pregnant already.

My hb admit himself not proactive. We did mention the unfairness to her. But she said she was treating everyone the same. Hb, me, my family even sometimes my child can feel it's not the case.

I got once comment about my BIL to my MIL. Then my MIL showed unhappy face. Being treated unfairness, I actually dont talk much to them. My MIL is staying with my BIL. Everytime we go to BIL's house then just sit a while then we will leave. I really think i dun wan go there anymore. Only go during big day celebration only. For me, stay there also do nothing, then feel so uncomfortable. :dry:

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hey, if yr MIL is staying with yr BIL, of course she will help babysit? kinda expected since she's around them all the time.

u mean yr MIL is babysitting yr child as well? if u're staying apart, most probably she's not as close to u, rather not mess with yr life. in a way, isnt it good that yr MIL doesn't bother u? it might seem unfair, but if she doesn't care, why should u?

if u want some help from yr MIL, i think u need to ask for it or be more "proactive". could be she just doesn't care, or thinks u're coping well! if u've read other threads, some DIL's resent their MIL's being too "helpful"!

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I'm with happi - a lot of DILs are complaining that their MILs are too interfering or "helpful". In your case, it would appear to be the opposite. Personally, while I know sometimes you can feel snubbed, look at the positive side of things -

1) You have full control of how your children grow up without an eagle shadowing you (your MIL) - your SIL doesn't have that luxury.

2) Over-concern can lead to interfering and meddling - you don't have to deal with that but your SIL does. I'm sure she will get remarks about why her children fall sick and so forth.

At the end of the day, I suspect your SIL wants to be you and you want to be her. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Also, regarding the decision - why do you only accept? You can always reject and say no. After a while, if they ask why, just say that you're never informed of the decision and cannot just simply accept - other things need to be considered. Hopefully by then, they would have gotten the picture.

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Many DIL would love not having any interference/ helps from MIL. (It's always the MIL, isn't it?)

If you really need helps, why not consider asking your own family or even hire a PT maid to assist.

My approach is different. Don't ever confront your MIL, they always feel different towards the DIL no matter how nice & good they are. It will be better if you let your HB to do the talk and walk the walk. Let him be your 'spokeperson'. If he finds nothing wrong with it, then who are we (the DIL) to complaint about his mom.

Don't hold any grudges which might affect you and enjoy your family life together with those who loves you.

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HI Siow Fui,

Congrats on being pregnant !

On being with MIL, well I'm sure meiteoh mention is true. Do you have a good relationship with your SIL ? talk to her and most probably you will find out that she wants to be in your position where no MIL interfering with how she is raising her kids.

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Erm..... my hb's family is kinda weird. We dont really talk to each others. My MIL is staying in my BIL's house in hometown where hb, me, and BIL's couple are working in city. My MIL is taking care my girl and another niece. We back almost every weekend. Then will fetch my girl then back to my mom's house. My parents and MIL are staying quite near, ab 10 min journey. Whenever i back, then i need to take care my girl all the times. MIL will only ask whether my girl eats already or not but never feed her. Even i say hasn't, still my turn to feed her. Wherelse she will bathe or feed my niece (The niece is one yr older than mine).

It's not say want to get help from her or wat. Just feel y my side being treated this way? Just think y she always helping my BIL's family even though they r richer than us? Then recently my MIL suggest to get a maid. But she says hb n I need to bear all the cost. Y? Coz the niece will go to school end of the year. My SIL not going to pay for the maid. Funny... Now only April. Until end of the year, still got more than half yr to go. The maid will help to take care their child wat. Somemore my MIL able to take care only my girl and my newborn bb. Coz last time also she is the one who take care 2 nieces (the niece and her elder sis). She never ask my BIL to think ab who's going to take care his girl. But ask us to think ab our children. Act she also can suggest to send the niece to school 6 months earlier. She helped my SIL to take care two children. Then now ask me to think who to take care my babies. :sauer2: What will u feel is u were me?

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Siow Fui,

for ur case, since ur own parent stay near by to ur IL house, why dun ask ur own parent to take k ur BB? After read ur threat, I know that I will face same problem with u in future. That y, I have discuss it in advance with my HB.

For my case, no matters how good my MIL, m still prefer to get a nanny or my mother take care of my BB in future. m noticed that she r too bz to take k of my BIL’s BBs. All this while she sayang my BIL than my HB. Also, m no so agree on how she educates the BBs. Yes, my MIL really take a good k of the BBs. Just both FIL & MIL too spoil the BBs (for me). This is what I dun like. Since they not my BBs, I dun hv right to voice out.

Almost everyday MIL will complaint in front of me. Saying that her son & DIL no taking k of their BBs even on weekend. Both of them always send the BBs to MIL & go for shopping themselves. What can i say, i cant say anything. If i say anything, sure problem come later on.So m did mentioned/discussed with HB, if we got BB in future, m rather to send it to child care @ get a baby sitter/nanny @ ask my mum to take k my BB, provided we r afford for it.

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well, it sounds like yr MIL is just tired of looking after so many babies - so she prefers either u get a maid to help or send yr baby elsewhere.

she's just human & looking after so many babies that aren't hers, well most probably fed up of being taken advantage of. yr BIL kids most probably she "had" to look after since she's staying in yr BIL house & he pays for food, shelter, etc. but then come along yr baby, & now another 2nd baby on the way for her to look after - imagine she thought her duty all done, the kids are bigger & off to school, now MORE babies? not defending yr MIL, maybe she truly is unfair to u, but trying to look from her point of view.

anyway, if u truly feel she's being unfair, send yr baby elsewhere to be looked after, just go back for visits. there's no reason to hang around & feel mistreated since u don't live together with her.

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Just to share my opinion = )

I think typically, if PIL stay with which family, then they will contribute to that family. For eg, PIL stay at BIL house, therefore, they will contribute to the family. Staying doesnt mean only live under the roof. Staying also means, spending time with them, food on the table, going out together, sending them to clinic when they are sick ... etc. Staying actually means alot more ...

So, usually parents will try to compensate by help to take care of the family they are staying with. For me, I would accept this. I think this is fair. If my parents stay wit my bro, and he is the one take care of them, I dont mind if my mom actually put more effort in helping his family. I think this in fact is the right thing to do. Coz he contributed his time and energy to take care of them too. There are lot of other hidden expenses too like extra groceries, extra medical bills, extra necessities which we who stay outside will never be able to see. You can say that PIL returning the favour to their children by help them maintain n take care of family.

Furthermore, i think your BIL children are older than yours. Meaning, she has been taking care and staying wit them for a long time b4 taking care of your baby. Starting only 1 child ... then 2 ... then ... + + ... slowly sure feel tired d. But since start ade with the older children, kenot suddenly say dun wan help take care especially when stay together wor. Especially if the children are very close to her. That could be reason why she help take care of nieces but not give similar treatment to your child. She have done this everyday since long ago when she stay with them. Some one have to giv up and pity the old women also = ) Taking care of bb / children is not easy feat. Ask any mommy out there ... what about a grandmother.

I take this eg from my need to take care of my dog(s). When I have only 1 ... i very rajin mandikan. When got 2 ... wah ... so tired ... still do. But, when add 3rd one ... walao ... i surrender. Send to shop =p

But I dun understand about asking you to hire maid and not them. Maybe because she is staying with BIL, it doesnt sound right to ask them to hire a maid when she is able to take care of their kids. Whereas, your child is send to BIL house. You are asking for her favor. If you hire a maid, maybe it will be easier for her to help take care of everyone including your child = ) So far I seldom hear MIL staying together already still ask DIL to hire maid coz got ppl at home.

Imagine, if you dun send your kid to BIL house, she still able to cope. Add more, then she hard to cope. Something like dat. So, to help her to help you take care of your child, she suggested you hire a maid.

But since your mom's house is near, why only expect your MIL to help leh. Your SIL maybe have no choice coz mom's house is far? ( I dunno) But you have a choice weather send to MIL or own mom.

Every household have their own problem. I personally prefer my MIL ( when I have one) not to interfere by "helping" me to take care of my child. To avoid problem in the future. Maybe your SIL also have this idea but you just nvr know. Don't always compare with other people as everyone live in a different situation. Your BIL family might be enjoy MIL take care of kids but they cant enjoy the privacy you are having now. In fact, it might not even be something joyful to them for the MIL to " interfere" with children.

Also, you mentioned you guys are not that close to your PIL. Before you want to ask for favor or help, or be taken into consideration for any decision, shouldn't you share yourself with them and try to get close to them first? Instead of expecting them to consult you and take your feelings into consideration, take their feelings into consideration first.

My boss used to tell me. Go socialise with your collegues. Next time you ask for help, they will at least pay attention to you. Else...why they need to spend the time and effort to help you. " We are not that close anway"

You need to build the connection and closeness with ppl then only ppl will do the same to you. Join them for more discussions and be proactive in family matters. Your BIL have the upper hand as their children stay with PIL. Surely, everyday oso got communicate and talk to each other. You on the other hand stay outside. There are alot of things that you might have missed. In fact, should your PIL have any problems, do they contact your BIL 1st or your hubby 1st? Think about this = )

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yes Siow Fui, m agreed with happi.

taking k of BBs is tiring job, even tired than we work. Sometimes i do kesian my MIL hv to take k 2 BBs. She is really bz to take k the BBs, prepared the meals, send my younger BIL to college, pick him back from college, clean the house everyday, & bla bla bla.... things.

If u really feel that ur MIL is unfair to u, may b u can send ur BBs for ur own parent since their house just near by to ur IL's house.

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I'm not putting the maid in my mom's house is because both my parents are still working. I scare to put a maid with children. Dunno what the maid will do on the children under out sight.

The maid is not going to live in my BIL's house mostly. The maid, my MIL and my children+the niece will all live at my MIL's house which is in the same hometown. Now that house is empty coz MIL was moved to my BIL's house once the eldest niece was born. I do agree many expenses my BIL need to bear coz my MIL is staying with them. But we do give her equally amount of money to her as well.

I do realise taking care of baby/toddler is really tiring. Coz now quit my job and taking care my girl until i deliver the newborn. I agree to get a maid to help her. But y we need to bear all the cost? SIL able to spend on branded things but refuse to share the cost for maid. But we need to save and spend wisely coz need to pay extra on maid agent fee and salary.

After seeing so many opinions, I think i shd think "happy" coz my MIL not interfere my life. It's so lucky that my mom stay so near to me. If not i really can't imagine how's life going to be.

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Just my two cents :

From ur SIL's mind : My MIL was able to taking care my kids all this while. Suddenly come another kid, n another bb is coming too. Thats cause my MIL too tired n cant handle all kids. If only this 2 bb never come to my house, of course my MIL can handle, summore my eldest kid going to school soon. So, only 1 bb left at home. If only no more 2 bb, why I need a maid.......

From ur MIL's mind : Im staying with BIL, first taking care of the bb start from the first day she/he was born. Of course have a closer bond. My meals or sometimes medicine was paid by BIL, n maybe some other expenses. I help taking care of their children, is suppose to be so. Siow fui's baby.... this one i not really close le. Summore this DIL also never get close to me, never talk much to me. N now i getting very tired of taking care bb. But, still I cant ask Siouw Fui not to send her's bb here wat. Umm.. how about ask her to get a maid. Since she MUST get a maid if she cant put the bb here. I still can help to put a sight on the maid so that the bb get a good care too

I do agree with others, its not a must for MIL to take care grandchildren. If they willing to, then we have to thanks them a lot. If they not willing to, at the end of the day, the bb still belong to us.

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sometimes i personally feel its unfair for children to EXPECT grandparents to "help" take care of their babies. Always remember there is 2 side to a story ...

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siow fui,

For all I know, many daughters-in-law would like to be in your position.

Why not you listen to what meiteoh says, look at the positive side and thanks heaven that you have a mother-in-law who leaves you alone?

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Opps... The eldest niece went to school ald. The younger one will go to school end of this year. From my mind is y my MIL can help them take care of two kids. Then now cant let them settle their kids then help me to take care my kids?

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Siow Fui,

How old ur MIL now? May b she think that she getting older & too tired to take k so many kids or BBs?

Sometimes, we might need to think abt their health condition.

We hv to know that there is not their responsibility to take k their grandchildren. So, we dun expect that they must help to take k the BB.

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Maybe when BIL bb comes she no bb to take care so help take care BIL bb. Then after take care so many years already feel tired. Also, they sometimes need time of their own too. My friend's own mom also will ask daughter to take care of bb herself coz she also need to go out meet friends, facial or go hair salon occasionally. When tk care of bb, your time is tied up and cant do anything else other than take care of bb.

Could be MIL think finally can free of taking care of bb once all BIL kids go school. Now... you expect her to take care of your 2 bb.

Understood that you expect similar treatment between u n BIL family. But, when she tk care of BIL kids, she was way younger. Now, is much older ...

some things cant expect apple to apple d = ) Coz situation is always different.

Also, we should not expect grandparents to take care of your own children. I believe that all children should be their parents's sole responsibility. Other helps would be most welcome and appreciated but not "Must"

Another thing is, try not to compare too much with your BIL family. There is no ending and you will only make urself feel worse and make d relationship with in - laws bad. Just because she help take care of your BIL children should not mean she will need to take care of all other grandchildren. If your MIL have got 10 children like olden days.... then ... frm first grandchild to last grandchild also have to take care .... like that better she dun commit wit first one >.< Later all DIL say she no fair.

Dun let this issue to worsen your relationship with your in-laws. Instead, think back if indeed your MIL is unfair, did you do your part in mending the relationship.

Cheers~

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Siow Fui, there are always pros & cons of having a MIL to help and the grass is always greener on the other side. In my case, my mum helped my bro to take care of his children for 8-years but I cannot expect her to help me with my BB now, cos she's much older and she also deserves a break and some rest. My Ils are even older.

It was very tough at the begining for me and the wife and it still is very challenging now but at the end of the day, you will reap all the rewards that you sow.

The thing about having family take care of your kids, is that, you can have the peace of mind when you are working and I do admire some of my coliqs who have parents and Ils to help. But, you need to trust the Baby Sister to an extent and to pray for divine help to keep Baby safe.

Trust me, if your MIL was helping you, you will be posting about the conflicts about different methods of parenting between yoursellf and MIL. That kind of problem can be worse than what you are facing now.

Rem, the universal principle:

"The Higher your expectation, the bigger your disappointment"

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hi,

i have no kids, and wish to have one soon. but it always pop up in my mind...is an extra bonus if our parents or in laws could take care of our kids...but if they do not wish to do so is their choice...

they are not oblige to taking care of their grand children...like what other sisters said...when age is catching up, they are getting older...our parents will be having challenge to taking care of the little one. Secondly i thought is kids responsibility to give pocket moneys to their parents without expecting anything? is a token of appreciations thanking them taking care of us when we are small...

echoing others...no expectations..no disappointment...cheers...

why not opt for other avenue to taking care of your babies which can minimise this hard feelings?

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Siow Fui,

i hv been thru exactly like your case..MIL staying with me and husb, house belonging to my husb. MIL took care of my baby toge with my BIL's baby. BIL not staying with us, baby with us coz MIL take care..MIL helps BIL n wife a lot with the kids whereas i hv to take care of my own baby when i come home fr work. the amt of money i gv her for bbsitter my baby is the same as my BIL. if my BIL's baby got sick, FIL will bring the baby to doc whereas my one hv to wait till me got home coz my husb usually work late. The type of relation i hv with them is exactly the same as what you mention. we r not close see also didt take much. we r now staying apart..what a relief..MIL still favour my BIL kid than mine now.. .now i let bbsiiter take care of my baby, better than her own grandparents..frankly i dont insist on in laws takig care of my baby..is their wish .

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From day one i marry my hb, then i know my MIL very not fair to me. She always think of my hb's bro's family. She takes good care of his family and children. I feel very upset and angry. What can i do?

let the argument go no further than this.

u knew that ur MIL doesnt fond of you from the beginning, why bother her to take care of your kids ?

she doesnt like you, she may not like ur kids too

if anything happen while she taking care of ur kids, how ?

then the issue will be continue to..'my MIL didnt take good care of my kids while bbsitting causing this and that'..

you may not want to push people to doing thing she/he doesnt like to

else, it brings u harm

it is better for you to control everything for you own family

trust me, i am the result of which both of my grandparents' (both mom and papa's sides) least favourite

my mom was neither a favourite DIL nor a daughter, so were us, her children

am the eldest so i reached maturity (not physically) at the age of 5

together with my mom, we threaded our own path

(since this is about DIL and MIL and grandkids, will not touch about fathers here)

cut the story short, now i already a grown up and married

i actually intend to pay back to both grandparents on what they did to my mother

like want to ignore them or something but i end up being so generous to them, even give them ang pow sometimes

and my mother also so good to them despite of all those bad memories

this actually made them regret and cried, wished they were good to her and us... there's no time machine babe!

my point is, life is a roller coaster

life is always not fair

what do u expect ?

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