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Vievie

Ending it ?

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Saying it its easy , but doing it its really hard . I am very confused right now . Sometimes I feel I want to put a fullstop and sometime I feel its been 8 years , whatever problem we try to solve it . We dont need to go to the dead end with a divorce ... I will need to wait till his last decision then I can judge , if he willing to come back to me , I need to make a deal with him , we both need to change and really need to talk about it . If he decide not to talk or not to come back then no point for me to cont with him ...

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hmm just food for thought....maybe he doesnt want to give u a final decision.

maybe he wants u to end it instead of him so there is less guilt on his part asking for a divorce.

at the same time you're like a float to him should he see the need to return to someone.

knowing he isnt putting an effort into saving the marriage, its basically one hand clapping.

do draw a line somewhere or u'll end up waiting for a point thats not in sight.

its good u have the 'if he come back' or 'if he decides not' scenario and action plan.

BUT do be aware there is another possility which is what if he decides not to do anything n not give a fixed/final answer.

This is exactly what he is doing now btw, dont you see a recurring trend of his? avoiding, ignoring and failing to commit or make a decision.

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Vievie,

aisumomo is right, obviously he is just ignore it, not to talk about it and get you to end the 'contract' so that he is less guilty alto he is the one who created all these.

I know it is never easy to end a 8 years relationship and no one wants a 8 years relationship just ended like that, who wants it? but I really don't see his affords to try to safe the relationship but he chose to ignore, not to talk about it, avoiding the topic, etc. Don't you see it is so obvious that he wants a stop?

By the way, after ROM does he wears the ROM ring? how about now?

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be strong and love yourself 1st and foremost as no one will love you more than you love yourself

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vievie,

letting go is hard but when holding on hurts u this much, shouldn't u reconsider..?

u're doin wat u can to save ur marriage n he's just sitting thr... he needs to be taught that the world does not revolve around him la... in my honest opinion, he just simply wants u to end it so that he will look n feel less guilty...he's a coward, unable to let u go, unable to give u a clean break, if he really loves u, will he act this way??? wat is love to him actually?? :sauer2:

vievie, pls love urself... being alone for now maybe the best thing for you... bein single ain't that bad, especially if u r in such a distressing situation... ppl change, change is actually the only constant in everything... u'll grow from this, learn from this..

best of luck k.

sorry if i offended anyone, just my 2cents...

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bg,

Is it necessary to wear wed rings after married? i couldn't wear mine cause after pregnancy and delivery, myring cant fit in,geeze. Guess i gotta wait for some time.

Vievie,

aisumomo is right, obviously he is just ignore it, not to talk about it and get you to end the 'contract' so that he is less guilty alto he is the one who created all these.

I know it is never easy to end a 8 years relationship and no one wants a 8 years relationship just ended like that, who wants it? but I really don't see his affords to try to safe the relationship but he chose to ignore, not to talk about it, avoiding the topic, etc. Don't you see it is so obvious that he wants a stop?

By the way, after ROM does he wears the ROM ring? how about now?

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Vievie,

If m in u place, I will let go this relationship because I dun want further suffer in future.

As mentioned by BG “it never easy to end a 8 years relationship and no one wants a 8 years relationship just ended like that”. For me, it really no point for u to save this relationship by ur own & he do nothing. Even u can save this relationship now, how both of u manage / face this relationship in future. The scar will be there forever. Honestly, m cant stay with this kind of relationship, I will just break up with him & never want to contact him anymore.

So, just make sure want u wants. Continue with him or not?

Do u think that he will change for u?

Do u think that what he doing now is for u & the future life?

For me, if he still love u, he will not do something to hurt u, if he still love u, he will do something to save this relationship rather than sitting there do nothing or avoid this matter.

sorry if i offended u.

uniquesoul & Ling,

both HB & me no wearing our wedding ring after 1 week we married.

We only wear it when we attend dinner nia. :p

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hi vivie

i will not adviceyou to either end or continue the relationship. I am not in your shoes, thus I cant judge.

the answer lies within you. firstly, have you tried to save the marriage? looking at your updates in this forum, i think you have done your best. next, do you want this to be continue? If yes, how long? Marriage is a life time commitment. You gotto have trust and respect in the relation, otherwise, how can you sustain with this man and your marriage? When you wake up the next morning, do you ask yourself whether you feel 'safe' besides this man? Is it worth to cry every second or minutes thinking when this man will change or return? You deserve a happiness to your life. Do you wanna waste time crying and sobbing everyday for someone who dont appreciate you for who you are? How long can you stand?

I guess you have all the answers to yourself. no matter what we said here, it's just our point of view. You are the best person to make this decision. Be strong and firmed . It's not easy but time will cure.

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You have my support too gal~

All the best. And just wanted to know that we're here for you...

Btw, just curious, did your MIL give any comments about your suggestion for a divorce?

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We dont use the ring after few months also , because for him , he's rough so he dont want to scratch the ring . But we do use it at special occasion . I told him to get a ring , which we can use it for daily , but until now he also never buy . Forget about it then .

I talked to my MIL she did ask me what is pour problem . then I told her la ... then she said if can then just solve it , cuz its actualy small problem . She said that FIL is about the same attitude with my HB , she also tahan him for 30 over years already . She dare not ask the son anything also , because she said its our problem , and moreover she dont really know the whole story from begining , he never talk to her also about this .SO i think maybe its not fair for her to judge who is wrong and who is right . MY HB dont really talk to his mom , so the mom dont really know whats going on between us . Most of the time he talk to his dad , but his dad never tell the mom , so anything also the mom dont know until I tell her yesterday cuz I call to wish her Happy Mothers day .

I have a feeling that his dad also side him , because his dad also a men , he will think that girls are all ridiculous just like the mom . His dad already have the perception that women are all the same . I think his dad also tell him , if me and him cannot togahter then just call it off . His mom & dad are also not in good condition , so my HB said he dont want to see himself like his parents . I think his dad influence him also .

But MIL did mention , if really cannot then we will ask our family to sit down and talk about it .

The other day one of his relative wedding , I know this earlier before we have problem , but he never ask me go also . Then his grandmother ask him about me , he did not mention that we are going saperate way , he just tell the grand mom that I am busy then I cannot attend . This is what I heard from his mom .

I do not want her to really interfere because I afraid she might say the wrong thing and my HB will get mad and hate me more because I complain about him to his mom .

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Yeah, I agree with you. The more ppl this involves the messier it gets.

I just feel it's such a shame that things turned out the way it did. If I were in your shoes, I'd do like you do...trying everything to save the marriage. But as they say, it takes two hands to clap, if the other party doesn't want to work the marriage what can we do except to pray and persevere?

One thing that gets stuck in my head is that he says: "find some other guy", honestly, is this guy asking for reaffirmation that you love him? Is he showing insecurity or playing coy?

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I m so sad when i read through your post. What you have been through realli need alot of courage and I can feel how much you loved him in such that you still hoped and hoped that he would come back to you and be the good man he used to be when you guys started out. Its hard to believe that a man who could drive so many hours just to see you n hold you to say sorry would turn out this way.

However, his nonchalance to the effort that you have put to save the marriage seems to show that he have no more heart to save the marriage. You mentioned that he asked u to get another guy who is better than he is. This is an indirect way for him to call it off but not directly from his own mouth. He knows he cant giv yout he life that you crave for. He could not giv up his way of living. There is no way to reconcile and adapt your want with his want. He seen this and trying to avoid it.

I know quite a few man and they said the same thing to me. Men will seldom take the lead to break off frm a relationship regardless if the relationship fails due to the man or woman's fault. This is their way to show respect to the woman to decide and choose. Even if they wanted to call it quits, they will just keep quiet but they will do as they pleased even knowing you dislike them doing it. A male friend once told me, no matter how bad the girl or how bad he wanted to break off, he will never say it to the girl. It is his way to "give face" to the girl to call it quits herself.

Could he be signalling to you that he want out but he wanted you to pull the plug? Try to look into the details and his actions for the recent times and access. If he have no heart to reconcile with you, no matter how hard you try, there is no way this marriage will turn into a marriage you are seeking for. I always believe, when there is a crack to a pot ... you can only use the glue to hold it but it will never be the same anymore. Do you want to take the risk 10 years down the road, after you have kids ... then more problem comes out. I personally feel that you deserve much better than what you are getting now. I understand that sometimes, love are blind and when you love someone sooo soo much, you could just take anything he give you good and bad. I have been there too. But, its up to us to see the light and save ourself and as a friend, i can only help to torch the light so that you don't feel lonely in your fight.

Just my 2 cents.

p/s: i m not teaching or encouraging ppl to divorce, but i think everyone have a right to be happy. I do not believe that there is a human being in this world who can love unconditionally. ( sorry to all the mothers out there, if i might sound cynical) So, yourself is your best bet. Only you yourself can love your own self unconditionally. = )

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So what should I do right now ? Should I just give me sometime to think about it or should I just make the first move to call it off .... how should I say this to him in the first place ?

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figure i would like to share this since i'm sharing this link to the other member as well.

i'm not a christian or buddhist but i'm a free thinker. I was attending my friends' wedding which was conducted by her temple with talk from a well known lama on her wedding day. It happened on the say after i broke up with 1 of my exes and i was asking myself, am I asking for too much ? the answer is all in these 3 video clips. Hope you enjoy listening to it.

Ingredients to a successful relationship

part 1 : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO9yjD_j5HI...feature=related

part 2 : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc88LRHFLlY...feature=related

part 3 : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8-UJxzJgTs...feature=related

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So what should I do right now ? Should I just give me sometime to think about it or should I just make the first move to call it off .... how should I say this to him in the first place ?

What does your gut feel say babe? How long have you been thinking? How long do you need to find the courage to tell him?

Sigh, 'tis a shame, but is there really no way out? If he is at least willing to talk, somewhere quiet, comfortable, calm environment... there's still hope.

If he really loves you he'd want to work things out. Do the best you can to save this and let God help you handle it...

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So what should I do right now ? Should I just give me sometime to think about it or should I just make the first move to call it off .... how should I say this to him in the first place ?

i think u already hv the answer on what ur husband wanted. make the first move. serve him the papers. it'll b easier to carry on the process after u make the first move to end it. it's obvious ur husband is avoiding n delaying the truth. if everything around him fails, the girls left him, will u still accept him? i believe u will, coz u love ur man a lot and u r still holding strong. but will he still sincerely loves you if that day really comes? it could b he's dragging the whole thing as he feared if the girls leave him, u will still b there for him.

sorry to sound cruel. but i sincerely hope u can spend some time to see clearly with ur eyes, listen attentively with ur ears and feel sincerely with ur heart while playing the memory of ur relationship in ur mind so u can make a good decision for urself.

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Re wearing rings after a wedding:

I wear them ALL the time because my ILs, especially my HB's grandma, is quite particular about things like this. A ring is a sign that you are tied and shows everyone that you are no longer available. To them, it's a form of respect to your partner. My HB's grandma went to the grave with her wedding ring around her finger because she worn it for long (even our her HB died over 10 years ago) that she couldn't take it out anymore. Don't say her, even my HB was a bit miffed whenever he sees the ring in its box or on the dressing table. Once he even went "What's the point of me buying you a wedding ring if you're not going to wear it?" :\ So since then, I have always worn my ring...do housechores in it, everything la. My HB is the same - he has never taken it off unless he's playing rugby or we go rock-climbing.

Vievie, I'm not in your shoes so I can't tell you how to go about your marriage and what to decide but I do hope that whatever you choose, you'll learn from it. For the rest of us here, we need to sit back and relook at what we expect from our own marriage and what's our breaking point. Citibankvisa makes some really good points - a lot of young people take marriage very lightly in the sense that a bit of quarrel, a bit of stumbling block and the word "divorce" gets thrown out. It's different if your spouse hits you, cheats on you but changes in life situation - that should not be the cause of your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to ruffle a few feathers by saying that in some cases, we women need to take some responsibility as well. Some drive men to cheat, to focus so much on work and other things apart from us and our relationship with each other because we turn our home into just a house. Honestly, would you come home if all you did at home was fight and face a sour-angry-bitter face? We kill the warmth and intimacy in our marriage. This doesn't happen overnight. It occurs over a long period of time when fights continue and escalate, when we go from saying hurtful things to ignoring our spouses. I'm guilty of this as well. Since my daughter arrived, I've fought with my HB on SOOOO many things that at one point in our marriage, we felt as if it was falling apart and that we were nearly to the point of no return. It scared us into the realization that it's easy to get married, it's even easier to walk out (and by this I don't mean the legalities but more of the emotional aspect) but it's BLOODY BLOODY hard to stay together. It really takes a lot of work and now, I understand why that gift chart for anniversaries are the way it is (eg, 1 year anniversary is paper anniversary compared to 50 years which is golden anniversary).

Not all men are immature and subsequently, not trying their best to salvage their marriage or relationship. Remember that you married SOMEONE ELSE, not yourself, so you have to be prepared for a different view, different expectations and well, a different way of handling things. Yes, easier said than done - I'm still adjusting to my hubby. This is why it's important to sort all these things out BEFORE you get married - not after. That's just a recipe for disaster.

I do hope you reach to a conclusion that will be good for you and your HB. Good luck.

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Re wearing rings after a wedding:

I wear them ALL the time because my ILs, especially my HB's grandma, is quite particular about things like this. A ring is a sign that you are tied and shows everyone that you are no longer available. To them, it's a form of respect to your partner. My HB's grandma went to the grave with her wedding ring around her finger because she worn it for long (even our her HB died over 10 years ago) that she couldn't take it out anymore. Don't say her, even my HB was a bit miffed whenever he sees the ring in its box or on the dressing table. Once he even went "What's the point of me buying you a wedding ring if you're not going to wear it?" :\ So since then, I have always worn my ring...do housechores in it, everything la. My HB is the same - he has never taken it off unless he's playing rugby or we go rock-climbing.

I've been wearing both my engagement ring and wedding band since the first day of ROM. But hubby can't wear it too often, he gets rashes on the finger if he wears a few days consecutively :ohmy: . So no choice, although I very much would like him to wear it everyday, his ring is most of time in the box, haha~

As for Vievie, many have given you countless advises here...I think you already know what to do. I just would like to point out that:-

1. Marriage is not just a signed paper or ROM. It's about sharing the rest of your life with another person, sharing joy & tears, happiness and problems, a perpetual relationship that connects two person emotionally & physically. It's living the life together. Although both of you have registered, but you don't live like husband & wife. And you mentioned that he asked you why do you need to know what has he been doing (on that day you went to look for him at his work place). It just appeared to me that the 'husband & wife concept' is not implanted in his mind. I think the connection is lost somehow.

2. Both of you are not small kids anymore, you don't need his mother or grandmother to tell him what he should do and what he shouldn't do. He's big enough to think himself, well, at least he thinks so too. I believe it's my marriage, my relationship. Hence, when there's problem, it's between my husband & I, we should solve it ourselves. The outsiders won't understand what happened between us and can't help us. So what if the whole world is telling him that he shouldn't treat you like that and he should do this this this & this... if his heart is not there anymore, it's simply, not there. I don't think he would still listen to his mum.

Would you do what your husband did to you to the person that you love? Would you ask the one you love to go away and look for another partner? If not, so do you think that he still love you? Perhaps you shouldn't ask what you should do, you should ask what do you actually want. Begin with the end in mind, meaning, think first what you want to achieve, what is the outcome that you want in the end, and then only plan for your action.

If you want someone who really loves and cares about you, maybe he's not the right person. If you want a marriage that need not necessarily be perfect, you just want to be in a marriage, then you may continue to try all the other methods that you have not tried to try solving the problems.

May love always be with you. Have faith! :wub:

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