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Dear all,

I'm currently in a dilemma and would appreciate comments and view from dear malaysian babes.

I got married few months ago. My husband is from a large family. He has 3 sisters and 1 brother and he is the youngest. His family is well-to-do and they are all very close to each other. Many would think this a good thing, but in my case, I think it's not. Everyone lives under the same roof! Even his 3 sisters who are married stayed with us together with their husbands and their children. I have no problem staying with my in-laws because I have to say that my parents in law are very good and I count my blessings for that. However, the household is just to huge for me. I find it difficult to find privacy and freedom. The worst part of all : Children! My parents in law look after their grandchild in the house and all 3 of my husband's daughters "dump" their children into my parents in law 's care. The entire house is so noisy with children's noises. They are all together 8 children in the house, all below the age of 8. Imagine waking in the middle of the night, hearing babies' crying, hearing baby's cries in the morning rush to work. Worst thing : After a long-tiring day at work, you come home to a house of noisy babies!It's like a nursery more than a home.

I couldnt tolerate these noises. It's driving me crazy. I hardly have a peaceful uninterrupted sleep. I am the only daughter of my parents. I used to live in quiet environment and I enjoy that very much. Recently, I suggested to my hubby that maybe we should move out and have a place of our own. But that hurts him a lot because he is very close to his parents, he is a mummy's boy, and his mum insisted that the both of us, of all other peple , must stay with her. I do not know what else should I do. Nowdays, I choose to avoid the home as much as I can ( mind you, we just got married for few months). Everyday after work, I dreaded to go home. I would go back to my parents home very often and stay over night there. I would go out with my friends till late at night. I would choose to stay in the office as late as I can. I even took up a Ph.D course at night just to find more reasons to stay away from home. My husband thinks that I am being unreasonable. To avoid arguing with him, I no longer brings the topic of moving out up. i used to love babies. But recently, I realised, there is a phobia inside me. I no longer wish to have any more baby. Those bunch of babies in my house are driving me nuts. And my parents in law and hubby are starting to give me pressure to give birth now. What should I do?

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Jescelynn,

I'm also from a so called (since your HB has 5 sibligns, so me too =p) big family too but not all are staying together but during the gathering, everyone will be there. Frankly speaking I'm kinda enjoy that environment with everyone is around =)

Alright, back to your problem. I think you can talk to your HB again but not to mention about moving out, just tell him how you feel on the house's situation rather than just run away from the house and give bad impression to both your HB and in-laws. Run-away from home still cannot solve the problem, isn't it!? as the children are still around and how long you can avoid to go home early? I'm sure your HB will notice it and may start any unnecessary quarrel between you two.

I know some big and well-off family would like all their children staying together (regardless daughters already married or single) and their children have the strong bonding with their parents or I would rather to say to save $$ so still staying with parents and let parents to bear most of the cost.

For your sisters-in-law, I don't know why their husbands are willing to stay with in-laws, mostly men will have pride and they don't want to stay with in-laws especially the family was 'big' unless the man is married the only daughter (only child) in the house.

Just don't runaway from the problem, talk to your HB and let him knows how you feel.

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<br />Jescelynn,<br />I'm also from a so called (since your HB has 5 sibligns, so me too =p) big family too but not all are staying together but during the gathering, everyone will be there. Frankly speaking I'm kinda enjoy that environment with everyone is around =)<br /><br />Alright, back to your problem. I think you can talk to your HB again but not to mention about moving out, just tell him how you feel on the house's situation rather than just run away from the house and give bad impression to both your HB and in-laws. Run-away from home still cannot solve the problem, isn't it!? as the children are still around and how long you can avoid to go home early? I'm sure your HB will notice it and may start any unnecessary quarrel between you two.<br /><br />I know some big and well-off family would like all their children staying together (regardless daughters already married or single) and their children have the strong bonding with their parents or I would rather to say to save $$ so still staying with parents and let parents to bear most of the cost. <br /><br />For your sisters-in-law, I don't know why their husbands are willing to stay with in-laws, mostly men will have pride and they don't want to stay with in-laws especially the family was 'big' unless the man is married the only daughter (only child) in the house.<br /><br />Just don't runaway from the problem, talk to your HB and let him knows how you feel.<br />
<br /><br /><br />

Dear beautifulgown,

Thank you for your advice.

Prior to this, I've actually tried to talk and discuss this matter with my hubby. However, he still thinks that all the noises and babies make the house all the more merrier. He, instead turned around and said that I am not loving to children, I am inconsiderate and unthoughtful. I tried to be patient as much as I can. I am not an unreasoable person. I would tried to keep quiet and live with tough situations as much as I can cope. But this has gone beyond my limit. Can you imagine, my in laws will bring crying babies into our bedroom in the middle of the night, just to show us how cute they are? Sometimes, when I come back from work late at night, I will find those babies sleeping in my room, on my bed! And I have to pull out the mattress to sleep on the floor instead. I have long forgotten about privacy and freedom. All I asked for is at least to let me sleep peacefully. Sometimes, I even come back to see that my make-up table was a huge mess and everything was everywhere. because those children have come in and play with my things, creating a havoc. Once, I broke down and cried because a very important document which I have prepared for work the next day which is very urgent was torn and being drawn with kids drawing. I ended up staying up the entire night to work on it. And nobody, including my husband, say a single thing.

I suggested to lock my room and keep te door closed so that the children will have no access to it. My husband thinks I am "drawing territory" with his family members.

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First of all.. i salute to your PIL who can take care of 8 kids at a time. What's wrong with their mum and dads?They doesn't take care of their own child? What are they doing when they back home?Not helping out at all? Those kids sleep with your MIL in law and not their parents? Its kinda lame for those married sisters and their Hb to stay in your house, i taught they suppose to stay with their PIL or get a house outside? If i'm in your situation, i'll definitely move out of the house, because i never like other ppl to touch my stuff. I'm the only daughter and child to my family too, and umm..yea i agree i have this selfish attitude. The house you're living is very scary and threatening.

Actually, before you got married with yr hb, you didn't know there are so many kids who will live with you under 1 roof? The fact is, you gotta state every rules and T&C to your hb before this marriage for it will be very tough for you to make changes after that.

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First of all.. i salute to your PIL who can take care of 8 kids at a time. What's wrong with their mum and dads?They doesn't take care of their own child? What are they doing when they back home?Not helping out at all? Those kids sleep with your MIL in law and not their parents? Its kinda lame for those married sisters and their Hb to stay in your house, i taught they suppose to stay with their PIL or get a house outside? If i'm in your situation, i'll definitely move out of the house, because i never like other ppl to touch my stuff. I'm the only daughter and child to my family too, and umm..yea i agree i have this selfish attitude. The house you're living is very scary and threatening.

Actually, before you got married with yr hb, you didn't know there are so many kids who will live with you under 1 roof? The fact is, you gotta state every rules and T&C to your hb before this marriage for it will be very tough for you to make changes after that.

Before my marriage, I've raised this issue to my husband. He told me that his sisters and their husbands will move out from their homes ASAP, which of course is a complete lie. The thing is, each of them have bought a new house but refused to move out and rented their new homes to people instead. They hardly look after their own children. They "dumped" those children in the care of my PIL. Sometimes, if my PIL are busy, I have to babysit those children as well. It's not unusual to see my PIL looking after those children while their own parents will be sitting down and watching tv. Only the two maids at home helped our once in awhile to look after the children.

I just had a heated argument with my hubby this morning regarding this issue again. I am at my wit's end and very stressed out because of this. I am so sorry to take it all out here in this forum . :(

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Dont' have to feel sorry ler, ^^. Here is the place for you to express your feeling and problem. Can take lotsa advice any opinions from ladies here. Did you voice out this issue and your dissatisfaction to yr MIL? And see what kinda feedback she gave you. I've never see such irresponsible parents before. How they have the guts to give birth to kids when don't give a damn to take care of them. Meanwhile your hb gotta take this seriously. Maybe can ask your parents to talk to him?

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I'm not surprise to have such parents around, dumped their children to their parents/in-laws and they still can go ahead enjoying themselves.

And I'm not surprise that they will not move out until the parents ask them to do so but I don't think the parents will do that unless the parents also cannot tolerate the situation but what if the parents are enjoying their companion?

As I said they will not move out when they think of their $$ and the comfort zone that they are having now.

If moving out ..

1. They need to look after their children, no more freedom

2. Financially maybe tighten up as they need to use their own money for expenses and need to pay for the housing loan as now they just rent out the house and use it to settle the housing loan with little $ from their pocket. For daily expenses, either they will give contribute some or totally zero to their parents, don't you think it is too comfortable for them and they don't want to move out?

3. If moving out, parents are not looking after their children, another expenses for bb sitter.

So do you think they will move out!? nope .. I don't think so, if they do .. it already happened many years ago.

I think you need to talk to your parents and find the right time to get your parents to talk to your HB.

He has to understand your feeling and really not worth to quarrel over this matter, both of you need to sit down and solve it.

That's their children and not yours, you people don't have obligation to help them to look after while they can enjoying themselves watching TV at downstairs.

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I hear your story also i feel scary and stressed. Coz I am person who values my own privacy and freedom too. Also, I HATE noise!!

IF there is no way for you to cope, maybe you can try talk to your PIL? I mean, in a nice way to let her understand that you need peace and quiet especially for work tomorrow.

Otherwise, if there are no way out, maybe tell your husband if you can stay over at your parents during weekday and be back for weekends where sleep are not so crucial. This is also a win win solution. Someone needs to compromise and it should not be you only.

If he says you dun like children and etc, then just put it blandly that you do not love children as much as he does. HE loves noise and merriment hence the difference in character need. Understood he is frm a loving and large famiyl hence he is used to the merriment of having a whole family together. However, you are not. Point blank, both of you have different needs. Compromise! Explain to him that you have done your part and compromise to live with his parents & family. Is it too much for him to compromise and do his part to make your life there more comfortable and livable. If he want you to love him enuf to stay wit his parents, shouldnt he love you enuf to at least make things more comfortable for you? Show him how much you are willing to sacrifice for him just to stay wit his parents and make HIM happy. Now, it's his turn to show what he is willing to sacrifice for you now.

Always remember that there are many ways to deliver your thoughts. Keep your voice down and try to show him a different perspective instead of arguing. Talk with calm and no prejudice. Let him know there is no point in arguing BUT solving the problem.

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hmm i dont really blame ur hb or d house condition..some close bonding family is like tat..

haha me with 3 kids around also i beh tahan. if bad mood, i just lock myself in d room & read novel.

but messing up ur room & sleeping on ur bed is too much jor. i mean they should give u a some privacy since u just married..

living room & kitchen is a public place..but ur room belong to u & ur hb only. i feel sorry for u especially ur hb refuse to let u lock the room.

but did ur in law family knew ur problem? since u said they r very good people..try to ask them to give u some space & try to blend in with them.

then go back to ur mum house during weekend..for some quiet nites.

since moving out is not an option.

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if u r not comfortable living with ur HB house...maybe u should tell and persuade ur husband to live outside..that will be a good solution for the future..>_<

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I am also having a tough time at my HB's (with MIL ) house. I persuaded my HB to let me get my own place. So now I'm in the middle of getting one..though the moving out part will be a year from now. It came to a point where I told my HB, I will move, you can stay here. Actually if we live on our own, it wont be far to drop by my MIL place. The move will benefit all 3 of us. (Though HB is still in dilemma). He will see. Hopefully he moves with me though hehe

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My number 1 condition for getting married is: NEVER live with in-laws.

I laid that rule straight out for my hubby....call me cruel, but I believe in the motto "a hedge between keeps friendship green".

But in this case is not friendship, is relationship.

My in laws are good people, but humans are humans. Every human's lifestyles are different from each other. There will be bound to have different opinions and decisions in the household. Even they way you clean the house also will be different.

I am not that bad, I told my husband, even if you buy a house next to your parents also can....just as long as we have our own space and living under a different roof from parents....not even my own parents.

There will come a time when the elderly will get older and need to be taken care off, and in this case I will strongly agree to move in with them or they move in with us.

But for now.....please give us our own space.

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I really not encourage stay with in law together, coz this will create more and more problem... when you have kids even more ..I have bad experience in last year staying with in law and my hb was outstation all the times.... after the big "war" now they are out of the hse...so now I can take deep breath and have peace at home with kids....

if you have kids and you need to work, just send kids to nursery.... it is not necessary to let in law to take care kids....

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not easy to live with IL. Once a while is still ok.

As smtime they will tend to control us as if we are kid.

If you hav kid then they will oso take charge not only u but oso ur kid..haiz..

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Dear all,

I'm currently in a dilemma and would appreciate comments and view from dear malaysian babes.

I got married few months ago. My husband is from a large family. He has 3 sisters and 1 brother and he is the youngest. His family is well-to-do and they are all very close to each other. Many would think this a good thing, but in my case, I think it's not. Everyone lives under the same roof! Even his 3 sisters who are married stayed with us together with their husbands and their children. I have no problem staying with my in-laws because I have to say that my parents in law are very good and I count my blessings for that. However, the household is just to huge for me. I find it difficult to find privacy and freedom. The worst part of all : Children! My parents in law look after their grandchild in the house and all 3 of my husband's daughters "dump" their children into my parents in law 's care. The entire house is so noisy with children's noises. They are all together 8 children in the house, all below the age of 8. Imagine waking in the middle of the night, hearing babies' crying, hearing baby's cries in the morning rush to work. Worst thing : After a long-tiring day at work, you come home to a house of noisy babies!It's like a nursery more than a home.

I couldnt tolerate these noises. It's driving me crazy. I hardly have a peaceful uninterrupted sleep. I am the only daughter of my parents. I used to live in quiet environment and I enjoy that very much. Recently, I suggested to my hubby that maybe we should move out and have a place of our own. But that hurts him a lot because he is very close to his parents, he is a mummy's boy, and his mum insisted that the both of us, of all other peple , must stay with her. I do not know what else should I do. Nowdays, I choose to avoid the home as much as I can ( mind you, we just got married for few months). Everyday after work, I dreaded to go home. I would go back to my parents home very often and stay over night there. I would go out with my friends till late at night. I would choose to stay in the office as late as I can. I even took up a Ph.D course at night just to find more reasons to stay away from home. My husband thinks that I am being unreasonable. To avoid arguing with him, I no longer brings the topic of moving out up. i used to love babies. But recently, I realised, there is a phobia inside me. I no longer wish to have any more baby. Those bunch of babies in my house are driving me nuts. And my parents in law and hubby are starting to give me pressure to give birth now. What should I do?

In the old days, a few generations of families living under one roof was considered something exemplary and worth emulating BUT they forget that the structure that house these families were enormous, allowing for families to actually live separately in a small little area and not a room. People also forget that this "under one roof" scenario is not without any conflict. In fact, power struggles and fights were common among the women and it was usually up to the oldest woman in the house to keep things together, eg the MIL or grandmother.

In this day and age, there is no real need for a family as large as your husbands' to live under the same roof as their parents, even if the structure may be a bungalow. The nucleus family - you, your HB and future children - need space to grow as a family unit. How can you do that if you're still under the eagle eye and control of your PILs? It would be as if you never left home in the first place, as seen by your siblings-in-law who now dump their children onto their parents and go about their merry way.

I think some things need to be clarify. One is not ungrateful if they move out and stay on their own. You can still be close to your parents while you're away from your family - just go home, have dinner more often, spend your weekends with them and etc. You don't have to live together to be close. There is the telephone, the internet and etc. Why must one live physically in order to maintain that bond? If that were true, why isn't your hubby working from home? That way he can be next to his parents 24/7.

He needs to understand that as a married man, his responsibility is no longer to his parents alone but to his wife and new family. Even the Bible mentions that a man will leave his father and mother to establish a new home. It doesn't mean that we abandon our parents. It just means that we have a change in priorities - the needs of our spouses should be placed first if there is a conflict between parent and wife.

To tell you to ignore and suck it up, be a good DIL, I feel is not right. Your HB should do his part as a good and supportive husband. Ask him if wanting some space of your own is being unreasonable. What he is saying is akin to tell you that breathing is unreasonable. Share with him that this will affect their marriage and it already has - you spending more time away from home, etc. Is he not worried about that?

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Dear all,

I'm currently in a dilemma and would appreciate comments and view from dear malaysian babes.

I got married few months ago. My husband is from a large family. He has 3 sisters and 1 brother and he is the youngest. His family is well-to-do and they are all very close to each other. Many would think this a good thing, but in my case, I think it's not. Everyone lives under the same roof! Even his 3 sisters who are married stayed with us together with their husbands and their children. I have no problem staying with my in-laws because I have to say that my parents in law are very good and I count my blessings for that. However, the household is just to huge for me. I find it difficult to find privacy and freedom. The worst part of all : Children! My parents in law look after their grandchild in the house and all 3 of my husband's daughters "dump" their children into my parents in law 's care. The entire house is so noisy with children's noises. They are all together 8 children in the house, all below the age of 8. Imagine waking in the middle of the night, hearing babies' crying, hearing baby's cries in the morning rush to work. Worst thing : After a long-tiring day at work, you come home to a house of noisy babies!It's like a nursery more than a home.

I couldnt tolerate these noises. It's driving me crazy. I hardly have a peaceful uninterrupted sleep. I am the only daughter of my parents. I used to live in quiet environment and I enjoy that very much. Recently, I suggested to my hubby that maybe we should move out and have a place of our own. But that hurts him a lot because he is very close to his parents, he is a mummy's boy, and his mum insisted that the both of us, of all other peple , must stay with her. I do not know what else should I do. Nowdays, I choose to avoid the home as much as I can ( mind you, we just got married for few months). Everyday after work, I dreaded to go home. I would go back to my parents home very often and stay over night there. I would go out with my friends till late at night. I would choose to stay in the office as late as I can. I even took up a Ph.D course at night just to find more reasons to stay away from home. My husband thinks that I am being unreasonable. To avoid arguing with him, I no longer brings the topic of moving out up. i used to love babies. But recently, I realised, there is a phobia inside me. I no longer wish to have any more baby. Those bunch of babies in my house are driving me nuts. And my parents in law and hubby are starting to give me pressure to give birth now. What should I do?

i suggest u to talk to ur hb nicely, that there's a pressing need for privacy. mayb getting a home nearby ur ILs will make him less unhappy with the idea of moving out. but may i ask, y at the first place, all ur SILs stay with ur ILs after wedding? if the daugters can stay with their mother after wedding, mayb u can propose to ur hb to stay with ur parents instead? that way it's fairer and squarer? n i do think dat ur ILs will b more agreeable on that idea. n mayb u can even send ur kids to ur ILs too in future.

meiteoh is right. the old housing structure usually comprised of a few small units joined together with a centralised livig area - thus allowing a few generations to live under one roof as each family have their own dedicated 'wing'. but in current times, such housing structures are hard to come by, if they do, they cost millions at least.

bring ur hb out for a nice talk. it's hard to juggle studies and work n family, but u really have to do something bout it before u chose to stay full time at ur parents place just to avoid the noise.

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