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babyJab

dating too long before marriage

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my peers kept telling me that dating too long is not good. and once i heard from an elderly, a guy will lose interest with his girl after 7 years. i'm just wondering how true was that?

i know i'm being superstitious but sometimes i just cant help myself to bother about it.

me and my BF have been dating for almost 6 years now, yet we are still a happy couple. :tongue:

we are intending to get married 4 years from now, which means we will get married after 10 years in relationship.

i believe there are pros and cons in the long dating duration.

what do u have in mind?

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personally i dont think it really matters as long as you guys dont come from conservative families cause you already enjoy the freedom of being a close couple and probably could move in together already. Its only when peer pressure sets in and comparisons arise or inquisitive relatives poke their noses and sets some fires that long stable dating relationships dont last. I dated my Hb for 6 years and come from a conservative family. no trips together, no stay overs at his place, if he stays over he sleeps in the hall...etc...and we made it anyways..

If the two of you are happy and stable then time doesnt spoil anything..its only when u change your plans to suit the expectations of others that u break the stride you both set and agreed upon. me and hubby took our time as we planned everything including $$$ for wedding and a home.

As for that comment on the guy loosing interest in the girl well....lets just be thankful they didnt get married and THEN he got bored of her. marriage isnt 5-10 years...most of us expect it to last our lifetime so seriously...if he couldnt deal with it as a relationship..he probably wouldnt have lasted long as her husband anyways so all the better for her.

if you already share the freedom of a being a couple the only thing you should be worried about is getting used to living together after the wedding as it takes some getting used to as each has their little quirks and habits.

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pro and cons.

scenario 1 : they dated for very very long - 12 years and even she help n supported him to further his studies in law. Came back, they got married and after being married for 2 years they got a divorce. During their wedding, can see that he wasnt very keen on the marriage and was stressed out. His smiles, his laughter was all forced and sad to say, can see that he went into the marriage because of feeling responsible. The reason they got a divorce was because he doesnt love her anymore and during their marriage he found someone he love at work and had an affair. She found out gave him many chances but he insist on wanting out.

scenario 2 : another friend who is together with the bf for 10 years now and there is still no sign of marriage coz they are staying together and he is not thinking about it. She on the other hand is getting frusfrated and desperate but he doesnt seems to want to talk about it with her at all. No idea what is going to happen here but i guess time will tell.

I too have seen old couples who was together for sometime and then they get married immediately out of the blues.

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personally i dont think it really matters as long as you guys dont come from conservative families cause you already enjoy the freedom of being a close couple and probably could move in together already. Its only when peer pressure sets in and comparisons arise or inquisitive relatives poke their noses and sets some fires that long stable dating relationships dont last. I dated my Hb for 6 years and come from a conservative family. no trips together, no stay overs at his place, if he stays over he sleeps in the hall...etc...and we made it anyways..

If the two of you are happy and stable then time doesnt spoil anything..its only when u change your plans to suit the expectations of others that u break the stride you both set and agreed upon. me and hubby took our time as we planned everything including $$$ for wedding and a home.

As for that comment on the guy loosing interest in the girl well....lets just be thankful they didnt get married and THEN he got bored of her. marriage isnt 5-10 years...most of us expect it to last our lifetime so seriously...if he couldnt deal with it as a relationship..he probably wouldnt have lasted long as her husband anyways so all the better for her.

if you already share the freedom of a being a couple the only thing you should be worried about is getting used to living together after the wedding as it takes some getting used to as each has their little quirks and habits.

i coudnt have said it any better.

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It all boils down to the couple themselves. I have had friends who actually got married after six months of knowing each other, and some who have been primary school sweethearts (YES, you read that right - they "fell in love" at 12 and got married at 28) and later got married and are still married.

What matters more than how long you've been dating is why you're getting married and whether you're ready for that lifetime of commitment. If your reasons are wrong or if you're not prepared, the time you knew each other is moot as people change constantly. Look at your own relationship - in the six years that you know your BF, can you truly say that he is the same now compared to when you first met?

If a man wants to lose interest in a girl, he doesn't need seven years. It can even be after a night. :smile:

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Well said aisumomo and meiteoh!

babyJab,

I've dated my HB almost 9 years before we got married! :wub:

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a guy will lose interest with his girl after 7 years? in fact my ex told me it takes 4 years. From my opinion, i think 2-3 years is the best time to tie the knot. Doesn't make a diff if a long r/ship advance to marriage..

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a guy will lose interest with his girl after 7 years? in fact my ex told me it takes 4 years. From my opinion, i think 2-3 years is the best time to tie the knot. Doesn't make a diff if a long r/ship advance to marriage..

my hb n me date for 8yrs....he was my 1st bf, i was 1st gf..... :wub:

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thanks alot. it seems to have reduced my stress over long dating.

yes i truly agree, it's not the duration that matters but the love within. :wub:

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a guy will lose interest with his girl after 7 years? in fact my ex told me it takes 4 years. From my opinion, i think 2-3 years is the best time to tie the knot. Doesn't make a diff if a long r/ship advance to marriage..

hehe got theory oso ah?

personally i think it depends on individuals... there are marriages breaking up even tho they are in a long relationship.. maybe its got to something to do about expectations too..

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i got a friend, dated for 7 years but the guy had an affair and broke up, another dated for almost 9 years but no sign of marriage, ended up the guy had an affair and broke up too.

i remember i had asked my bf on this issue. his opinion is if both dated TOO long and the guy shows no sign of settle down, the relationship may not work out. He said once man decided to get married and willing to propose, that means he is ready for marriage and have faith and resposible for the relationship. if he doesn't pop the question, it could mean the relationship itself hv some problems not yet sorted out or he is not ready for the responsibility yet. Affair or getting bored is just the 'effect' of those problems.

i think there is no timeframe for how long it should be dating before getting married, but it's on whether the relationship itself is healthy enough for marriage.

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I dated my husband for 12 years before he actually, on his own initiative said to me, "Let's get registered." That's it. No flowers, no romantic proposals lol. Of course disappointed a bit lah, but haiz...Didn't mind too much since I already know his character like that.

I have to admit that dating for that long, one is in danger of getting bored with the relationship. The first 5 years we argued alot...over issues. By then I was already 'itching' to get married...biological clock mah... lol..but he always turn pale when I bring up the subject. He'll pacify me saying, "Wait lah. Don't worry OK?". When you hear that again and again, a sensible girl would wonder, "Am I wasting my youth waiting for him for a promise that may not come true? Or do I take a leap of faith that he will come thru on his promise?"

From a guy's POV, or rather his POV when I pressed him one time, he said that he wasn't ready to get married now coz he wasn't confident he could support a wife and kids. His career at the time also not to say pangkat tinggi...I said that I didn't mind lor...but I'm kinda glad that he waited as long as we did..we're finally okay - he's doing well at work and earning enough for a family...plus my income also lah.

During the 7-8 years of our relationship, we went through a lot including other gals who came in between us. One, I know one, she was our colleague at work...i was informed by a friend/colleague that she saw them both going for a movie together and kinda rapat-rapat. We argued over this --but like many ladies here said, you can forgive but not forget...for many years after that, I always have a bit of doubt when i ask him where he is...then by the

7th year, I dunno why, I felt apathetic and bored and couldn't be bothered with what he do or don't do. I didn't even care if he called me or not. Seriously, girls, I was NUMB.

It was during this period i got an anonymous call from a gal who was demanding to know who I was to my husband. WTF?? Turn out she claim that she's been seeing him for 5 years...funny thing was I didn't feel anything. No tears, no anger...just sian. So I belasah her lah, did he ask you to marry him, did he sleep with you, are you pregnant? she said no to all that...so I ask her what she want. If she want him so bad then, go and take him lah... I told her I couldn't be bothered. You want you take lah.

And the third girl also another one - so childish...miss call my h/p so many times until i so geram..tis was during the period where we were getting along much better. Aiyoh, this girl ah, scold me why i go and snatch other people's husband. I was like WTF????? ask her who she was talking about, couldn't give my hubby's name, only his handphone no. What else, I belasah her kow kow on the phone LOL. and asked my hubby who is this fella calling me. He say no idea... dunno true or not...I don't even wanna care anymore. Sometimes, think too much can make you more confused and scared.

But after that last incident, happy to say no more such calls. I finally stopped asking him about marriage and just continue to pak tou like usual. I guess I was waiting for him to grow up and realize it himself that he wants to settle down...then last year, out of the blue he asked me, let's ROM. I said you sure or not...he said yes...i said ok lor... Ended up I planned everything lol. The date, etc etc etc...I did grumble why I have to do everything...he said coz you know everything mah...sigh...i must be a sucker for praise LOL

In short, there's no right or wrong how long you date each other...if you are comfortable with the pace then what other people say about how abnormal your relationship is shouldn't matter. What works for them may not work for you. If you are lucky, your long journey together will end up in marriage...if not, then, make sure you "ling tak hei, fong tak dai". It's okay to cry and mourn and be angry but don't let it drag on too long, your mourning period.

Sorry for being so long-winded, and apologize if I offended anyone.

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whimsy,

Seems like yr hb got a hot demand from gals out there huh? Glad finally he grows up and its worth for you to wait. A mature and rational thinking woman will not grab other ppl's bf/hb away. those who did should have realize what is karma.

q, not really a theory but that's what they said,. after all is up to that individual. I encounter same situation where my ex seeing another gal also after a long r/ship .

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Reading whimsy's tale reminded me of my neighbour's son. He's nearing his 36th birthday and prior to early this year, was going out with a girl of the same age for 10 years. Year in, year out, people would ask him when he was getting married and his answer was always the same - "Not yet". Then in 2008, he said "2009" as his answer to people's question. 2009 came and went past and when asked, he would say 2010. Well, it's already 2010.

His mother (my neighbour) shared with us that his reason was because he wasn't financially stable. He works as a freelancer (his customers are butchers, etc - he deals with meat) so his income is varied. The trouble isn't with his job but with his spending habits. He has been renting the same house for 10 years with monies that could have been his downpayment already. He has the habit of eating out in expensive restaurants and asking his mother to cook at least 1 fish, 1 meat, 1 chicken and 1 seafood for dinner every day (then going out to eat, thus leaving leftovers which he would then refuse to eat). Basically, he was spending out of his means.

Needless to say, his GF got tired and left - the exact reasons were never shared - but it could have simply been the case of "tired of waiting for someone to grow up".

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I had a friend who dated the same girl for almost 15 years before finally settling down. Yep, 15 years. I was so happy to finally attend his wedding and to shake his and his wife's hand as I knew my his wife when they started dating and this friend a few years before that.

In his case, his delay in marriage was due to money and career. He was working hard to support his part-time studies and to develop his career and finally got his well deserved break for an overseas job. I told him that if he were to go alone, I guarantee that he would not get married, so please get married and bring along your wife. Glad that he took my advice to get married before going overseas. Came back 3-years later and had a baby boy.

Its not easy, maintaining such a long relationship without marriage,. A relationship like almost everything else, is a "Work In Progress", where "growth and development" is important. When there is no "growth and development", problems will start cropping up.

However, this does not mean that we should rush into marriage as there is no fixed rules on when a couple must move on to the next stage or break-up. It all depends on what you want, both as an individual and as a couple.

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Y do both of you agree on waiting another 4yrs?

Dating too long isn't the problem here. It's whether are you both committed to each other and whether there's a firm decision on marrying each other in the end. If not, it will be a waste of time, effort, and everything in between. I dated my then gf for about 9yrs also before we got married 2mths ago. Same as CFA's friend...delayed due to work and financial. I too am working abroad, and half the time i'm not home. Very difficult, but by the god's blessing, we made it through the years. We planned to get married but I don't want to do it just because. I wanted a stable career, a home, and financially stable beforehand. And we both got what we wanted and had our dream wedding on a "private" island.

As you mentioned, guys lose interest over the girl in time? means not committed? maybe le passion flame has died....u always read and hear it everywhere..keep the relationship interesting with each other in doing EVERYTHING.

Just sit down and really talk it over...reveal everything, fears of no commitment to each other, plans for future....what to do along the way.

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Hi babyJab,

Dun you worry much abt that.

U r just like me & my HB.

We planned to marry 10 years later... (when we started dating).

N it turned out to be 9.5years whereby we wedded....cos the date which he suddenly pop out the idea.

But i had get him registered on the 7th year of our dating...

N i fully agree with what Aisumomo and Meiteoh had said...

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My husband and I dated 9 years before getting married.

Reason? Because we were both not ready to give up our freedom being single, I was not ready to be a mom, he was not ready to be a dad.

But when we were into our 9th year, I asked a friend who became a mom, how she get herself emotionally ready to be a mother?

Her answer was "You will never be ready enough to be a mom, so might as well just go ahead with it, especially when you are already financially stable."

So I told my husband "Oi, if by end of this year you don't want to get married, then I will find better job and a better future in another country liao." Then he said "Oh wait wait....we register at year end, ok?" Then I said ok lor....

No proposals, no flowers, no wedding ceremony, no honeymoon.....even wedding photograph also we took after 1 year of getting married, just because I felt the wall on top of our bed needs a nice big picture as a decor....

Now both of us are parents to a very notti girl. :)

What I'm trying to convey is, every relationship is different. You can't compare. Some may find that a long relationship before marriage is too dangerous, some may say dating a few months before marriage is too short. But I've seen it worked out before. It all depends on individual, how you handle a relationship, and how to think, trust and love your other half. Of course we still argue, throw tantrums and piss each other off now and then, but overall I can say our relationship is good.

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Just wanna share a story about my friend's marriage...

they dated from school, about 6-7 years, right till university... the guy did medicine and was practicing in JB. They got married and stayed with the guy's parents. 1 year later i heard they got divorced. Apparently all was not well with the MIL, to the point that she asked the guy to beat the wife, even when she was pregnant. And later the baby was stillborn... and with the beating experience, i think the gal somehow blamed the husband for it, and they later divorced...

It is not how long u date, or whether it is love marriage or not. Even after the years of marriage, when they guy can listen to the mother and beat up the wife, i have lost faith and respect in that man. I dont think anyone would ever be able to forgive him knowing that the baby oso was stillborn. Maybe he did not beat her to hard that he baby died, but deep inside, the build up of anger and remorse can lead to that kind of thinking..

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garezama, your male friend is lucky that the wife did not press criminal charges against him. How can a man beat his pregnant wife and practise medicine.

Anyway, this brings to mind another case about anger and mistrust between MIL and DIL. In this case, I think, the son had some financial problems and moved back to stay with his mum. His wife and Mum could not get along and was constantly arguing and fighting over petty issues but the son did not do anything cos of $$$ and perhaps for some other reasons that we will never know.

One day, the mum bough a can of petrol and waited for the son to go to work (late shift). The mum then poured petrol all over the house and chained the front door and burned the house down, killing the wife and grandchild and the mum actually stood in front of the house while it was being burnt and the DIL and grandchild was screaming. It came out in the press a few years ago.

Moral of the story is; when the spouse and ILs are fighting, the other spouse must step in and find out why and try to solve the problem.

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uniquesoul - i am surprised myself, to think that he was actually a close fren in school.. maybe there are deeper issues in question, maybe DIL & MIL just didnt get along well, but again, beating up your wife does not justify that. If DIL dont get along with MIL, it is always better to move out

CFA - OMG... how can she just stand and watch? It is amazing to hear abt the kind of people out there...

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