Thinking of having a 2nd one but...

[meiteoh 0]

...I don't know if I should.

A couple of months back, I started to give some thought to have a second thought. HB and I have always wanted more than one child; me - at least two and him? He takes whatever God wants to dish out to us both. But after the Raya holidays when I went back for two weekends in a row coupled with a flood of memories that I seemed to have forgotten until now, I am wondering if I really should start TTCing again.

There are a couple of reasons holding me back like my weight loss regime (I'd like to lose my pregnancy weight first and am hoping to reach my prepregnancy weight by December), the cost of giving birth and childcare in Singapore (one friend - non-PR - paid $14K for natural delivery and a stay of less than four days at the hospital), lack of BFing support in some public hospitals, etc but those are minor concerns compared to - I feel - my most valid reason - parental pressure.

Even before I gave birth, my parents have been bugging me to try for a second baby; my dad even suggested that I try immediately after giving birth. I've always known that they were cucu-hungry but not this bad. They would also drop hints and "suggest" things like letting them take care of Eva in KL while I go back to work. HB and I spent quite a bit of time bouncing back and forth on the topic. When I turned my parents down, my mum was actually upset with me and refused to talk to me for a week.

After having Eva, the matter would come up periodically despite our best efforts to be firm. When I went back to work, I'd hear of it every time my parents call which was at least twice to thrice a week. My dad even went so far as to announce boldly and openly to my HB (prior to this, it was always to me) that it was my mum's duty and right to take care of the grandchild as it is how it is in our Chinese culture. We still stood by our decision but not with a lot of guilt-tripping and emo-blackmail as a consequence.

Then when Eva turned 1 yo, I got the dreaded "When are you trying for 2nd one?" from everyone, especially my parents. Each phone call, each monthly (or bi-weekly) visit, I hear the same question. Sometimes I take it quite well but most of the time, it brings me back to when I was TTCing - it feels suffocating and pressuring. I've tried telling my parents to stop asking but they just don't listen. In fact, they get all huffy, annoyed and start to act wronged.

During the Raya weekend when I went back, my parents brought this up again in public and in front of other people. I tried to laugh it off with "We'll see how" and people would actually tell me to send Eva to my parents' place in KL and take care of the 2nd one in SG and my mum would agree!!! She even went so far as to announce to her boss, family and friends that she'd be quitting her job just to take care of her grandchildren. The ones who disagree are few and far in between plus they are not so "vocal". *sigh* For three days and then the following weekend, HB and I hear nothing but "suggestions" on the matter.

When I try to tell them that it's expensive, they ask me to give birth in M'sia - who has the time to come back for the antenatal check-ups and etc? The cost of flying back and forth not to mention the energy I'd expand...it's not all that cheap anymore.

My HB is annoyed, to say the least. He doesn't mind letting my parents take care of Eva once in a while like during holidays or when we want some time alone but not full-time. He feels that they are not up-to-date with their teaching methods and cannot discipline Eva at all. For example, my dad encourages Eva to watch TV all the time. He doesn't give her any books to read but instead will hand things like the TV remote control to her and purposely point out animals on the TV instead. My mum on the other hand has no sense of discipline and is overly paranoid without logic or rational. She watches over Eva's ever move like a hawk - sometimes holding her tightly when she's standing (Eva stands pretty steadily on her own) - but will jump at the first chance to shove cake made with almonds down Eva's throat even though I have explained to her why she cannot take anything with nuts, prawns and etc. When I share with her that she needs to be more firm and explain why, etc, she actually starts crying.

Now they want to talk about separating Eva and her siblings for long periods and it's not as if they were joking. They have brought it up many many times before and rather seriously too. I've been tai-chi-ing left and right on the matter and my HB is keeping mum about it. I'm actually more stressed out over this than he is to the point where I'm beginning to dread phone calls and visits from my parents.

The prospects of giving birth overseas is starting to look very tempting but then my mum has mentioned that she's reluctant to go overseas to do the confinement (not that I'm complaining but I really don't look forward to all of them being there especially with how they behaved with my ILs the last time they came to Singapore - I had to tell my mum to let my MIL spend some time with Eva because she will take Eva from my MIL's arms at every opportunity as if she's afraid my MIL will steal Eva) but we are not planning to head back until Eva is at least 2 or 3 yo. By then, I'm wondering if the age gap would be a problem, especially if I'm planning on having three kids. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if it's a good idea to have more than 1 child considering how dotty my parents are. :/

Hai...no wonder people say that adults become children twice - once when they are young and once when they are old.

Just had to get it all off my chest. :/

[uniquesoul 0]

mei..

if both you and your hb are financially and physically ready for the 2nd child, why not just give a GO? the process of bringing up a child is kinda hectic, requires tremendous of effort (now tht i know)..tht is why since both of you are still young and you've got experience in handling a child i would say yea..start to TTC now..By the way if you start now, the gap will be just within 1/2 yr. I find that having only 1 child is kinda cruel cause i'm the only child too, there are loneliness and lack of support or guidance through the process of growing up,seriously.

[qarezma 0]

wow Mabel, now i realise why you are feeling so much pressure on having a second one.

If i may say so, your parents are quite clingy, about the same as my ILs actually. SUch behaviour would instill similar pressure and worry inside me too... just how they used to insist i leave my baby at their place on weekdays and visit him on weekends... and my disadvantage is that they are 1.5hrs away! How much i hv to dodge their unreasonable (at least to me) demands.. such as visit them on every weekend, even tho hubby or I or baby are sick, and all kinds of (unrealistic) expectations, not realising that we are a family unit on our own, and we have our responsibilities and errands to run as well, instead of just spending the whole weekend over there... and once we are there, their full attention is just on my baby, no one bothers to ask or make small talks with me.. what i am the maid is it? However in the end, i end up doing all baby care for my kid, dont think they are much bothered about that, as how they never bothered coming over to help me with house chores when i was preggie and hubby was working 6 days a week. Sorry, but just felt like ranting... last weekend we were there with them, and finally i planned something for hubby, baby and i for this weekened, only to find out that we HAVE to go back this weekend too, cos of some prayers at home, i just totally lost my mood when i got to know this. Seriously, my time in my life, is not mine.. either working & slogging on weekedays and weekends pull a happy face satisfying relatives... and in all this, i only get to see my family once in 1 or 2 months. Sometimes i wonder why my hubby is always trying to please others and forget to ask what I really want?

As for the medical expenses... so expensive eh... maybe they want to encourage people to turn citizen or at least a PR.. but there are complications there too unless u plan to stay in SG in the long term.

[venusmaria 0]

mei,

i think that don't ever let your parents interfere with your plan of having a 2nd baby. if it is just because of this, scared that next time you will regret it as your initial plan is to have 2-3 kids. just continue on with your plan and only cross the bridge when you reach it.

just tell them nicely and firmly that you are a mother now and it is up to us as mother to plan what is good and what is suitable for our kids. if talking nicely cannot, then hhmm, no choice just hantam it out. hehe.. anyway, i think your parents maybe will just be angry and not talk to you for a while, but they sure will miss Eva very much and cannot stand at not seeing her. in the end i think no choice, they will still have to step down..

[amyliq 0]

I agree with Venus...perhaps your plan for more children should come first? My mum initially did hint to me not to have a baby in the Tiger year...but for me to get preggie wasnt easy...so I didnt bother and accepted whatever that God gives me...and it is a giggly Tiger baby girl now.

Maybe you can tell them that the kids should be together growing up anyway? I mean...why separate them? If you can cope and have a good babysitter while u work...I dont see why you need to send Eva away.

Garezma...I so know what u mean abt nobody talking to u. I get that all the time...as if I am invisible. What the...?? I used to try to make conversation but in the end I give up. I feel rather smug about it that my baby is kinda attached to me and I get some private time bfeeding her :P.

[qarezma 0]

amy - i guess i am not alone then. Do u complain to your hubby about this? I used to, but now i feel so damn tired of complaining of the same stuff all the time, and i guess he too knows they cant be changed. But at the end of the day, i feel so left out from the family conversations

[amyliq 0]

amy - i guess i am not alone then. Do u complain to your hubby about this? I used to, but now i feel so damn tired of complaining of the same stuff all the time, and i guess he too knows they cant be changed. But at the end of the day, i feel so left out from the family conversations

I did...but he said 'aiya..they miss baby mah...' Yea I feel so left out also....they kept on talking to my baby only...while I was always beside them....they visit once a while only, we dont live nearby inlaws...so i thought I should also talk tothem like a good DIL...but since baby born, nobody wanna speak to me much...only to baby. Hmmph!

[qarezma 0]

i feel you sister... i dont know what to call them, ignorant or selfish.. anyways like u said, i also try to be a good DIL, try to talk like normal, but if they too busy to talk, i just do my own stuff...

amy - i guess i am not alone then. Do u complain to your hubby about this? I used to, but now i feel so damn tired of complaining of the same stuff all the time, and i guess he too knows they cant be changed. But at the end of the day, i feel so left out from the family conversations

I did...but he said 'aiya..they miss baby mah...' Yea I feel so left out also....they kept on talking to my baby only...while I was always beside them....they visit once a while only, we dont live nearby inlaws...so i thought I should also talk tothem like a good DIL...but since baby born, nobody wanna speak to me much...only to baby. Hmmph!

[ophelia 0]

tumpang thread here again :)

I'm also having doubts on having a 2nd kid....

I myself would really love to have 2 kids, but, eversince having my first baby, my husband is seldom around....which I have complaint in another thread.....

I never expected being in such a physically and mentally tired situation. Day in day out I just strive to make it through and the next day the cycle starts again....sometimes I hardly have time to have a clean good bath....

I know having a baby takes alot of hard work and attention, I did prepare myself mentally before I TTC, however the issue starts when my husband works 6 days a week, comes home only at 10-11pm, not around on Saturdays, and on alternate Sundays need to go back to in-laws place. Our own little family time is only on alternate sundays.....

I don't see how I can cope with a 2nd baby and still be able to take care of my first and be able to give both of them the best from me....

I do want a 2nd child, I do not want my kid to grow up with no siblings, but I am not sure if I can make it through and yet stay sane at the end of day.....

My husband definitely want a 2nd child, and we did fought when I told him I am considering 1 only. He cannot accept the fact and yet he cannot guarantee that his schedule will change in future.

For now I will just wait and see...

[CFA 0]

opheila, I can understand how you feel cos I am in a similar position but from the other perspective as the HB. I have to work late but I try to leave office by 7+ pm but when we have deadlines that can stretch to 9 or even 10 pm.

My wife is working and I know its taxing on her as we try to give full attention to our baby. Reading in the Papers how accidents can happen in just a matter of seconds makes us worried about leaving our baby unattended alone, even if its just for a few minutes to go to the toilet But as the baby grows older, she will be easier to take care and that I suppose is silver lining.

In my case, I work late because I have too and I am sure the same applies to your HB. However, sometimes, a man will not know how difficult it is unless he goes through it. Read that your HB goes for weekend Co activities and sports – does he really have to as he is a new parent and his company should understand but sometimes, its difficult to say NO. Colleagues competing for the boss attention but do let your HB know, that if he really feels that he must go, you will support his decision and hold the fort at Home.

Talk more to your HB, and perhaps, you should also take some time off to recharge and leave your HB alone with the Baby over the weekend for a few hours. We all need our downtime, else, we will explode.

Me and the mrs, we also thinking of TTC, and sometimes, we can only plan as ultimately, God decides. So, I would always say that if financially able, to TTC. So, I will say to Opeila and Mei, go and TTC without any pressure and leave the rest to God. He knows best and will decide.

[uniquesoul 0]

The way those PIL treated their DIL like a stepping stone? baby machine? yea..they are very selfish to me.

i feel you sister... i dont know what to call them, ignorant or selfish.. anyways like u said, i also try to be a good DIL, try to talk like normal, but if they too busy to talk, i just do my own stuff...

amy - i guess i am not alone then. Do u complain to your hubby about this? I used to, but now i feel so damn tired of complaining of the same stuff all the time, and i guess he too knows they cant be changed. But at the end of the day, i feel so left out from the family conversations

I did...but he said 'aiya..they miss baby mah...' Yea I feel so left out also....they kept on talking to my baby only...while I was always beside them....they visit once a while only, we dont live nearby inlaws...so i thought I should also talk tothem like a good DIL...but since baby born, nobody wanna speak to me much...only to baby. Hmmph!

[ophelia 0]

Read that your HB goes for weekend Co activities and sports – does he really have to as he is a new parent and his company should understand but sometimes, its difficult to say NO. Colleagues competing for the boss attention but do let your HB know, that if he really feels that he must go, you will support his decision and hold the fort at Home.

Talk more to your HB, and perhaps, you should also take some time off to recharge and leave your HB alone with the Baby over the weekend for a few hours. We all need our downtime, else, we will explode.

yeah, I am also in a dillema because I do know that my husband is working OT out of his will. For example, he had a company trip recently. He said if he don't go, it's a bad perception on his social skills or something like that. More of a peer pressure. So he went but he drove back after dinner at midnight, so that he can spend time with us the whole of Sunday.

I appreciate this gesture alot. Don't get me wrong, I am not putting the blame on him, but it is true that his work is eating up a lot of his personal time.He is not capable of handling the baby alone by himself because he has very little experience with the baby so far. We did talk, so far it's just like this.....he cuts back a little, I give more a little.

But TTC 2nd child is a whole new story.....how much can you give the 2nd child if you don't even have enough time for the first?

[tinkerbelle 0]

But TTC 2nd child is a whole new story.....how much can you give the 2nd child if you don't even have enough time for the first?

my exact same sentiment.

ideally, i'd like to give my kid another sibling. i wont think much for now (too many what ifs), but i may entertain that thought in 4-5 years' time, despite my age.

[ophelia 0]

I'm also worried about the age factor, as I'm not young

I am 33 and gave birth to my first child 6 months ago. If I must have kids before 35, that leaves me only 2 years to consider.

But TTC 2nd child is a whole new story.....how much can you give the 2nd child if you don't even have enough time for the first?

my exact same sentiment.

ideally, i'd like to give my kid another sibling. i wont think much for now (too many what ifs), but i may entertain that thought in 4-5 years' time, despite my age.

[Ally'sMom 0]

ophelia, it would help tremendously if you can get help, especially if you are going to hv a 2nd child. You can also read up on some books on how to cope with a baby and a toddler...which sets out routines for both the baby and toddler which makes it more manageable for the mother. Even then, in the book that I have read, it advises the mother to get some help, even if it just a few hours, a couple of days in a week....as the mother can then use that time to do housechores or get the help to do the housechores. It can be a handful taking care of 2 young children full time, and your HB should understand and not expect you to be a supermom.

meiteoh, it is surprising to hear how parents sometimes can be so unreasonable, when we would expect them to love us and support us in whatever we do. And we are caught in a dilemma because they are our parents. I hope someday your parents will understand why Eva should not ever be split up from her family (I just think it is cruel to separate a child from her parents!). All the best!

[skye 0]

i personally doesnt agree to splitting child up from parents as this could potentially cause problem with the upbringing of the child. 1 of my friend did exactly so ...

- 2 kids are not that close (resentment as the older felt the parents love the young ones more therefore the older kid tends to behave badly to get "attention" when with parents and lil ones)

- then also, the parents dislike certain way the older ones behave (due to the fact that what is allowed at the grandparents vs own parents is different and the kid get confuse why i'm allow to do this at parents place but with my own parents this is not allow)

given chance my friend regretted the move and wont leave the older child with her parents to care.

[Diana 0]

Mable,

Hmm I'd suggest maybe wait till Eva's about 2 yrs old to start trying again? That way, you would have more than enough time to lose the pregnancy weight, financials may be more stable or you'd have already have savings left aside for the next child and Eva would still have your undivided attention for an additional year. I am thinking of only ttc-ing when Chloe's almost 3. When people around me ask when am I gonna have my second child me and my mom will say not at least till Chloe's a little older. even my mom kept reminding me not to have one so soon. Thank God! Although everyone loves Chloe a lot..been spoiling her a lot and I'm gonna get hell when I get back to Melb but I won't restrict them from carrying her coz they only get to see her for a month in every 3 months.

I guess it's hard to ignore all the pressure from your parents but I think you should put your situation before hand as you're the one who will need to go through everything.

[meiteoh 0]

Thanks for the ideas and the thoughts shared, ladies (and gents). I haven't really sat down and discuss this with the HB but I do know that he doesn't want to wait to long - in fact, he seems quite keen to start trying (more of the "go with the flow" attitude rather than outright gungho trying, if you know what I mean) for a number of factors, well, actually two main factors:

1) Age - He's 32 already and I'm turning 31 soon. If we want to have more than two kids with a nice age gap, it'll might go well into our late 30s. While we're okay physically, we both know that it's easier to succumb to the fatigue and stress resulting from caring for a few kids on a full-time basis.

2) Companionship for the children - My HB comes from a small family - he doesn't have any cousins on his dad's side and his mum's side is not very large as well. So the last thing he wants is for Eva to be alone and I do understand his viewpoint.

I'd like to think that finances are not an issue for us - we are coping quite well as Eva - touchwood - has been quite healthy, eats well (read: anything) and I saved a bit on the BFing plus CDing. I can sew so if I do go around to make cloth nappies, it'll be an investment and we're not fuss on recycling toys/clothes. In the long run, education for French citizens (Eva and our future children) is free up till their first degree which is the equivalent of a masters. This coupled together with the fact that we have some savings stashed in France, Malaysia and well, our house here in SG is a good investment as well as we can rent it out at a good price should we head back to France...to be honest, I never really considered $$$ when we were starting a family. Just take it as it comes - I mean, HB and I have gone through his retrenchment when I was pregnant and we still came out doing fine. We had some problems earlier this year before I started work but we're not starving or anything like that - just not saving money (which is a big deal to him).

Will sit down with him and see what the outcome is. My concerns are just that my parents are very sticky and if we have a 2nd one in SG, gone la...I'll have no life.

[babysiew 0]

Hubby and I promised each other that we will only have 2nd baby when Isaac, my son is around 3 yrs old... We want to have at least a 3 yrs gap... Isaac is currently 17 mths old, going to be 18 mths old very soon... We plan to TTC mid of next year and hopefully we will get good news and deliver by next next year 2012... dragon year hehe... ppl said 1 house must have 1 dragon haha... why 3 yrs gap is becos my nephew was 3 yrs old when Isaac was born... he managed to help my son a lot by taking stuff, taking care of Isaac when my mum took her bath, it is so convenient actually haha... so we r hoping to conceive next yr... *cross my fingers and toes*

To me most important is u r comfortable to have 2nd baby... if u r not, then better dont... no matter what ppl said/pressured u

[minn 0]

hai... me too

very scared when think to TTC as my gal was being over pampered. I'm afraid once i had 2nd bb, they will turn their attention to the youngest & neglect the oldest 1. This is wat happen to my frens. The oldest kids very jealous & even tried to hit her bb gal as the il always carried her gal.

[skye 0]

i'm gonna be 32 in another 2 months time slightly just before my ROM.

getting married when i'm 33 (next year)

plans to have a baby when i'm 34 (2012)

and the rest .... gonna just leave it to fate and me n my fiance would love to have 4 kids.

[clovey 0]

i'm gonna be 32 in another 2 months time slightly just before my ROM.

getting married when i'm 33 (next year)

plans to have a baby when i'm 34 (2012)

and the rest .... gonna just leave it to fate and me n my fiance would love to have 4 kids.

wow,late married, i thuo im the one who is the latest 1....then u hv to 1 yr 1 bb?1st of yr n end of the yr.

[fluene 0]

I think financial can be arranged. After all, how other below average families survived?

Hb and I are getting all the pressure of having another one as well. In my case, a third child since our 1st two are twins. The thing is, it took us 4 years of TTC and endless trips to sinseh and gynaes to conceived our first pair of twins. I wonder why people think it will be easy for me to get pregnant again. Also, I am scared of all those hospital stay, premature babies, etc already

[skye 0]

i'm gonna be 32 in another 2 months time slightly just before my ROM.

getting married when i'm 33 (next year)

plans to have a baby when i'm 34 (2012)

and the rest .... gonna just leave it to fate and me n my fiance would love to have 4 kids.

wow,late married, i thuo im the one who is the latest 1....then u hv to 1 yr 1 bb?1st of yr n end of the yr.

hehe, at what age did u get married ?

hahaha well my wedding is being planned 2nd half of the year 2011 so hopefully by 2012 we will have a bb :)

[Ally'sMom 0]

wah, fluene, you had twins and you still get pressure to have another child? :wacko3:

People say that women become more fertile after having a child - so, you'll never know!