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fancy ketchup

what should i do now? i want to break free from in-laws!

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hi all,

i feel really depressed and i have no one to talk to. I am married to my husband for nearly 3 years now. We have a lovely daughter who is turning 2 years old. I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child, 11 weeks old.

From the very beginning, before we get married, me and hubby have already agreed NOT to stay with in-laws, however, my MIL get to know our intention and strongly opposed to the idea. They are Hokkien, and she believes that son should stay with the parents. My husband is not the only child, he still have two elder sisters and a younger brother. Both sisters are married, the younger brother is still single. MIL threaten hubby that she's not going to my house to discuss about the marriage if we do not want to stay with her after getting married. To conclude, she's threatening us to stay with her, if not, we can't get married without her coming over to my parents place to discuss about the marriage. My FIL is a quiet person, he seldom talk and always listen to his wife.

Thereafter, we actually talk to the eldest sister and brother-in-law, who help us to sort thing out. They manage to ask my MIL out to a restaurant to discuss about the marriage with my parents. Through out the discussion, my MIL refuse to talk and just keep eating, threating that no one is around. However, my parents are those cincai type, so, the discussion just go on fine.

Thereafter, invitations cards been sent out. MIL buat hal lagi, tell my hubby that after married, need to stay with them at least 3 months, cannot stay at our house...this is to jaga her muka. i get furious as we are actually on budget, we can't afford to have 2 sets of everthing in two houses. I told my hubby that i am not getting married, i want to call off wedding. Hubby told MIL, MIL have no choice, asked hubby to call me and want to talk to me face to face. I went over to his house, MIL said if i call off the wedding, she will "lose face" and it doesnt look good to me also (trying to talk me out). I told her that i do not mind to call off if she forced me to stay there for 3 months...she have no choice at last and reduce the "request" to 3 days...still yet, we need to buy 2 sets of everything.

After i got married, i never argued with my parents-in-law, never. Normally i will keep silent because i do not want to create havoc. However, during my first pregnancy, i am having a very bad morning sickness, which forced me to go back and stay with my mom....cos i can only eat what my mom cooks and not others...i even bring lunch box (mother's cooking) to office. Hubby feel that our current house is too far away, as such, he moved back to his parents house and me, moving back to my parents house. Frankly, our house is rather far away, looking at i am working in KL and hubby in Damansara, i need to wake up at 5am in the morning, go out before 6am to beat the traffic (i need to reach lrt station and the journey seems so long). At the end, we know that moving back to PJ is the best solutions. My daughter was borned prematurely, and we have problem taking care of her due to the fact that we are 1st time parents and she always cries. i did my confinement in MIL house but i take in a confinement lady.

My confinement lady is having problem with my MIL, they argue almost everyday which put me even more stressful. On certain tiny miny things, they will argue....even to bath my baby with beer or yellow nuts also argue....i am glad that the 1 months confinement is over which i do not have any rest at all!!!!

I let my mom to take care of my daughter since my mom is a baby sitter herself. I am comfortable with my mom. I can move back to my previous house looking at the distance and also i am dying because i am too tired! So hubby suggest that we move back to MIL house and at the same time, we bought a unit of condo nearby to both my MIL and mom's house...basically it's not too far away from both the areas. Happily, i agreed because we will be staying in our own love nest and having a FAMILY of our own...

I ask my hubby to tell his MIL about the newly purchased house...but hubby do not dare to tell her....i know, basically, my hubby do not want to create havoc knowingly that his mother will never be happy to hear this. so, we stay at my in-laws house and now it's nearly 2 years, (i stayed there after my daughter was born) but our house will only be ready in end 2012. The time seems so long....and i feel so depressed everytime i think about this. At my in-laws house, i will remain in my room at upstairs and seldom go down...basically i am uncomfortable with them....i don't eat at their house, i go back to my mom's house to eat, i don't really eat pork, and MIL favourite dishes are PORK, so, everyday without fail, PORK will be served...cooking is way too oily...which i can take it, cooking is from early in the morning and eat till night for dinner...i was bought up differently, so, i view this as unhygenic but i never comment on it, just that i don't take it myself...they are free to eat whatever they like.

If i am too hungry in my room, i will cook maggi mee in my room...seeing that i have water kettle in my room. i feel depressed because i only stay at this four wall room every saturdays and sundays. every monday to friday, at least i can go to work...but every saturdays and sundays, i will be totally in my room. my daughter health is so-so only, just like a thermometer, whenever we bring her out, she's easy to get fever...so, this makes me scare to bring her out....but staying in the room always make me wanna kill myself....i am depressed. i talk to hubby but to no solutions as he's reluctant to move out now as we might need to rent and incurred another cost, further, i am currently pregnant, it's hard to move around...whenever i go downstair, my MIL wil go to her room and bang the door...when i am back from work and call her, she never answer me...

i really want to move out but i can't do it by my own because i know that both hubby and I are not having any problem, it's just that i want to have my own FAMILY and do not wish to stay with his mom. I told him that staying outside doesnt mean that we are not taking cre of his parents...it's always better to stay away rather than stay together....

whenever i sleep, i will think to hang myself in the bedroom as i feel i cant breathe at all....at this moment, i can't afford to move out myself, seeing that my commitment is too high....i need to atke care both my parents, they are not working....too many...my hubby is paying for the current house that we are living now (with MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL) complicated....my sister in law will come back on and off...she's having some relationship problem previously, so MIL ask her to stay with us and she's staying separately with his hubby...now i guess, she back to her hubby and MIL told neighbour that her duaghter is useless....MIL just doesnt like my SIL's hubby....so, there's long story but it's not my problem, as i myself have this unsolved problem.

I hope that all of you can give some ideas, so that i don't end up killing myself...i am currently having mood swing due to pregnancy hormone imbalance as well...tired and even more tired going back to a house like a prison.

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hello, pls stay strong. staying with MIL and being a mother ourself is not an easy task, there's too much emotional ups and downs. Calm urself down by doing something that will make you happy and think less of the negative ones. All the unhappiness is what we create for ourself, we can always change it by 'ordering' our mind to think positive only - eg. using affirmations, meditation, praying to GOD etc.

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hi fancy ketchup..please do anything or ever think anything stupid like hanging yourself...you are currently pregnant and might experience mood swing...anyway about in law...even i am not married yet,but i have heard many story of in laws from friends...is always give and take...but in your case,your MIL in laws doesn't seem to put in much effort to get along with you...the best things is go back to your mum house with excuse you are pregnant and need mum to be at your side...you are lucky that you still have your mum when you need her...i am not as lucky as you...my mum had past away when i am 21...so i have to learn to be quite independent...please love yourself and don't think negative ...don't let others control your life...be happy..k..

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Yes, they're right!! You have to love yourself more, and please think of your daughter & the unborn baby, you'll have to stay strong dearie...

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tulip is right, perhaps you should move back to stay with your mom until your new condo is ready. That is the best way.

Why huh its so difficult to get along with in laws, almost every1 is having the same problem...even myself....sigh..

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Let me give you some quick practical advice.

Talk to your HB and make him understand how you feel. Depression is a real killer and I don't need to tell you about the what has been reported in the newspapers. Please don't be a statistic.

What you need to do immediately is to move out back to your mother's house, where both you and your baby feel safe and where you HB knows that you are safe too. Whether he wants to follow you back or not is another matter. Stay at your mum's place until you deliver your current Baby. You need to be in a 'happy place' as you want to give happy thought and vibes to your baby.

Your HB should be upfront to his mother. Its not like his mother is all alone or sick. He should not feel bad about moving out cos his father is still alive and there are other siblings to take care of his mother.

I would also advice you to drive to work instead of using public transport, if you can drive. If you only have one car, then your HB should public transport and you drive to work. Don't let the stress of waking up early and rushing to work add on to your already stressed schedule.

Lastly, seek help. If money is tight and you cannot afford professional help, ie psychologists or professional counselor , call the Befrienders at

Phone Calls

You can contact Befrienders via hotline phone calls at

03-79568144 or 03-79568145 we are available 24 hours a day.

E-mail

You also can reach us through e-mail at sam@befrienders.org.my

Face to face

If you think you need to meet us face to face, you can call us at the above phone number

to make an appointment.

Befrienders Center

No.95 Jalan Templer,

46000 Petaling Jaya.

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hi all,

thanks for soothing words...i went back to mom's place and stay for a week...hubby bring back daughter to MIL house because want to let me have some rest....actually i take care of my daughter since birth, my daughter was born prematurely, had jaundice for 2 months and there's alot of things which really need attention on her health...at one time, admitted to ICU for more than a week and all i did is holding her in my arms...so, she's very sticky / attached to me....every nite, i will be the one who make milk for her (she wake up two times in the midnite to feed) until now, the habit never change...so, i am very tired because of distracted sleep...wake up at 2 pm, then maybe 4pm another time, before she sleep, around 9pm, already drink 1 time but i do not know why she's hungry at nite and need to feed up to 2 times..any suggestion how to stop this habit? i am worry that she's hungry throughout the nite...

So, hubby bought her back and i realised that when i am back, she refuse to hug me...maybe she's sad that i wasn't around for a week, maybe she feel that i left her...she's sad maybe...when i ask her "u got sayang mummy or not?", she refuse to hug me and didnt nod as well...that's why i do not know what to do....separately living with my hubby now is weird because both of us are not having any prob with each other and it confused our daughter.

i slept at mom's house yesterday nite, tonite, i wish to see my daughter so much and want to talk to her....she's learning now, sometimes when i am back with her, we will sing song and teach her some wording from my ipad...see learn fast and i am happy with her...but now, if i stay at my mom house, i cant do this with my daughter....my daughter cant stay at mom's house as hubby opposed to that ideas and mom said she needs some break also (to do her own house chores) because my daughter like to follow people doing housework...when my mom want to wash clothes, she also want to join...so, she can't stay at my mom's home...the only choice is that i need to go back to my MIL house if i want to accompany my daughter. So, that's my dillemma....i know i am blessed to have my mom with me...really. only when i become a mom myself, i know that mom sacrificies alot for their children.

I understand that my MIL do not want to lose control of her children as well, that's why she wants everyone to stay with her, but it's not healthy for the younger generation to be dependent....yes, my hubby is a mommy's boy. when MIL said that SIL betray her trust, i actually talk to her that, "i know being a mother is not easy but we tend to forgive our children because we love them so much, so please do not be sad even though you are because they are old enough to make their decision by their ownself".....we as a parents can only advise, and if they decided to go ahead, and if there's something happen in between, we can only tell them that "it's all right dear, you can come back, mom is here for you"...... don't you think this is so true?

It's just that we need to let them fly when they are old enough, can't be always protecting them because they have their thinking and choices. And it will turn out to have negative effect....

further....my confinement will be somewhere in november this year, i do not know whether my MIL will fight with this new confinement lady or not....so susah...i call few confinement lady and nowadays, they are so choosy, or should i say that they are cleverer? They ask me first whether i am staying alone or with MIL...when i mention that i stay with MIL, terus 2 confinement lady rejected.....

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hi fancy ketchup,

regarding ur confinement this november, y dun u hv ur confinement at ur mom's place rather than MIL's? ur mom seems to b a reasonable person to deal with compared to ur MIL. as for ur daughter, i think it's normal dat kids will 'merajuk' when mummy is not awiz there for them but i always believe dat if u really love her, she will know..before u worry bout so many other things, pls do take good care of urself first ok?if mummy's happy, daddy's happy, ur daughter is happy n ur little precious in ur tummy will b happy too :smile: u can awaiz share ur probs n frustrations with ji muis in this forum.remember, u r not alone

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hi fancy ketchup,

regarding ur confinement this november, y dun u hv ur confinement at ur mom's place rather than MIL's? ur mom seems to b a reasonable person to deal with compared to ur MIL. as for ur daughter, i think it's normal dat kids will 'merajuk' when mummy is not awiz there for them but i always believe dat if u really love her, she will know..before u worry bout so many other things, pls do take good care of urself first ok?if mummy's happy, daddy's happy, ur daughter is happy n ur little precious in ur tummy will b happy too :smile: u can awaiz share ur probs n frustrations with ji muis in this forum.remember, u r not alone

Hi BS & AJ,

I did talk to hubby yesterday, maybe i will be stay alternately in my MIL house and my mom's house, so that i can still see my daughter and play with her and st the same time, i get some air to breathe while in mom's house. I really wish to have my confinement in my mom's house however, it can't be done. :sad: Don't have enough room...even now when i go back to my mom's house, i am staying in my mom's room (previously used to be my room), however, since my father snooze, mom can't sleep, so she moved to stay in my room for nearly 2 years already. My mom is having osteoathritis, as such, she can't help with my confinement also. I do not want to trouble her so much. I am glad that she still offer to look after my daughter even though she's having trouble walking / standing for too long.

I feel much more better when i can let out in this forum, at least i feel that someone is listening to me.

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Hi FK,

Vet thru your post, kinda upset, depress, and emotional thing you are going thru there. I am married with one ki (1.5 yrs) living separately with in law's due my hubby itself unable to stay with him so we bought a hse which is near my in laws.

Now back your issue, I have a quick question ...

Based from your post, the entire episode is running thru the day you got married, pregnant, delivered 1st baby, taking care premature baby with poor health and same time managing your MIL issues.

With so many things in your plate, why did you get yourself pregnant ? With 2nd kid on the road, its kinda difficult to cope all this in your mind + adding into hormone changes. You have not setttle any of the depressing issues but infact created another one.

With this now, you just to have patience and keep calm for the sake of your 2nd kid. When you are depress emotionaly, it will affect our baby.

This all I can say for now.

Regards

MJ

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hi fancy ketchup,

do not think so much, be positive. sleep at your parents house alternately maybe is a good alternative. time flies...your house will be ready soon...anticipate that everything will be ok. i am staying with in laws also....and it's really problematic...but i anticipate that one day, i will be like you, to break free.

Take good care!

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i totally agree w CFA....

move permanently to ur mom's place... ur mental health is at stake... bring ur daughter w u, she's still young n needs her mum around.. get her a small bed or something... i'm sure u'll be able to arrange for something tat works... ask ur hubby to visit evry weekend, or u can go back to ur in laws every/alternate weekend to just show tat u still respect them...

dun be tied up w other ppls problems or judgements... focus on urself n those who love u... tat is more thzn enough...

good luck k... stay strong!!

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I feel for you so much coz i was once almost in the similar situation.

You are pregnant now, try to think positive ie instead of thinking you cant see your daughter today, think of what will you do when you see her next.

Or could you arrange something with your hb on the day when you are at your mums place? Ie arrange for dinner outside (you, hb, daughter) so that he can bring her out after work? If you worried it will affect her health, then just get takeaway and eat in the car so that she can at least see you for a while. She is 2 years old now, thats why she is abit confused about why you werent home sometimes hence her resentment to you. But on the positive side, your house will be ready soon and you will all live as a family in one roof.

Your hb should talk to his mum, it is not your responsibility to do it, regardless if he is a mummy boy or not, he should act up as a man and a hb to talk to his mum and put some sense into her. Im sure you mil understand, i feel that she is just refuse to accomodate because she knows her son's weakness and she will get her way with him. You have to remember that prenancy hormones make you extra emotional and you feel more vulnerable. But you are an adult so you need to take care of yourself for the sake of your baby. Concentrate on solution and alternative way instead of the problem or how sad you are. Ie dont think of hanging yourself, think about what small gifts you want to get for your daughter to make her happy. I know it is not easy to divert our thinking but you can do it.

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