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YoungBride2Be

How to maintain good relationship with in law (esp. MIL)?

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babe, every MIL and DIL relationship is different sometimes its hard to say prevent quarrel.

most of the time its best to just walk away when things gets too intense and take a breather :) thats all i can say.

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just listen, and let her talk whatever she think is right, sometimes we can find meaning from what she say, otherwise, don't bother....

the better way to prevent is of cos staying in another home, and visit once a week, she will tend to appreciate her son and prevent argument if possible, cos it is just once a week visit.....

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Skpe

You are correct, all is different.

Yes, I can just walk away, but the thing hvt settle yet.

Haiz.

leongal

U r right also, shd not visit so frequent. however sometime not frequently visit still will fell unhappy with watever they said.

I can just simply listen, but my heart will unhappy, especially when ppl comparing me with others (only compare those better than me, make me feel more sad,low self-esteem, angry) , talk nonsense.

If i just walk away, who going to comfort my unhappy heart? even if hubby can comfort it, but the thing still not settle yet.

Haiz.

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what are the things that need to "settle" ? if you dont mind me being busybody and ask.

you ask a general question as to how to avoid argument with MIL. That will be my basic answer and it wont have anything to do with solving the said issue with MIL.

its kinda hard when you mention half but not half of it.

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me and hubby only go back to in law's house once a week, and yeah, sometimes during the meal, they could end up saying things that i dislike. just have to swallow it first and go home n discuss or bebel to hubby when back at home, how unhappy am i with what they said, tat made me feel hurt....if it is siblings, it is easier, as hubby can give them a talk - not to mention it again, but for parents, abit difficult because they think that they are always right.....

i noe how it feels when PIL ends up saying things that you don't want to hear - so if you know this particular topic does not suit your ear, try to avoid tat topic as much as possible......

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Skye,

Sorry I cant share it here, for me I am finding a place to vent out my emotion. I think this forum is a good place, sometime there are someone who in the same situation with me, so that i wont feel why i m alone only. unfortunately we cant share everything. :wacko:

Thanks ya.

leongal,

Thanks leongal, I will remember ur suggestions.

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i am just very unhappy with wat happen over the weekend. We were having lunch together. There were 4 dishes, and BIL ordered an extra dish. When the extra dish came, thinking that it will be the last dish, and seeing the waiter giving out new plates to replace our plates, i thought "no need la" since it was the last one. So, I asked the waiter to take away the new plates. Then the FIL wanted the plates, and asked back. In front of everyone, FIL said out "stupid" to me. And, BIL just followed FIL in calling me "stupid". I just have to swallow with pride while my hubby assure me that they were joking, but I don't feel good about them calling me "stupid" in the public. just wanted to vent out.... :(

hope in laws will understand that, it is not just us that need put effort in making the relationship work, but they too play a part. If they go out saying things that hurt people and then saying it as a joke when it is not funny, how do they want me to maintain a good relationship with them?

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:dash2: i am just very unhappy with wat happen over the weekend. We were having lunch together. There were 4 dishes, and BIL ordered an extra dish. When the extra dish came, thinking that it will be the last dish, and seeing the waiter giving out new plates to replace our plates, i thought "no need la" since it was the last one. So, I asked the waiter to take away the new plates. Then the FIL wanted the plates, and asked back. In front of everyone, FIL said out "stupid" to me. And, BIL just followed FIL in calling me "stupid". I just have to swallow with pride while my hubby assure me that they were joking, but I don't feel good about them calling me "stupid" in the public. just wanted to vent out.... :(

hope in laws will understand that, it is not just us that need put effort in making the relationship work, but they too play a part. If they go out saying things that hurt people and then saying it as a joke when it is not funny, how do they want me to maintain a good relationship with them?

there are a few ways to deal with it.

1) give them a taste of their own bitter medicine (my style, after a few telan-telan sessions). call them names. but that really reflects bad on you too. use this as The Last Resort like how i decided to end the relationship once and for all, and i went all out like a M16.

2) give it to them, angmo style. tell them upfront. but you have to prepare a script, refine the script in such a way that every sentence you say, they cannot rebuke and it will only dawn upon them, hours later, how disgusting their attitude have been, to you. that is if only they are CAPABLE of thinking la.

3) dont visit anymore. if they cant behave decently in public, can you imagine what they are capable of saying to you in the comfort of your own home? friends and relatives told me to give face to my other half - to me, righteousness dont take sides. if your parents are wrong, they are wrong, why do i need to show my face for my other half (or the old folks in front of their relatives) just so he can be "the man" when the situation required him to be one, he kept mum as though he had a stroke??? if you want "face", so do i. there's no one way street in a relationship. not in this era.

i really do understand the feeling when your "family" called you names and your husband dont stand up for you.

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This forum is the best place to express experience, emotions, etc... and here's just to share.

Abt a mth ago, my PIL, hubby & i went to the restaurant for booking arrangement of our wedding luncheon. Besides food, the restaurant also acts as agent for its customers who want to do invitation card printing. We're given a form to fill in - names, phone numbers, date, time, etc.

Then came the part to fill in names in Chinese. I'm from sekolah kebangsaan background, but writing my name in chinese was no problem. i can write some chinese as i have learnt some from extra class when i was 7 - 9 y.o. However, when it's time to write my dad's name in Chinese, i had some difficulty. my dad's name is very rare & the writing isn't easy. i can recognise his name in chinese character, but can't write it out. So i told my in-laws frankly & asked if they can help me since they've studied chinese & shd be better than me.

And my MIL laughed, remarked "aiyo, u really so cha, your dad's name also dunno how to write". I knw she meant no harm, not even insult as my MIL is the honest & straightforward type, but the statement was hurtful. Esp since she knew that unlike her & her kids, i've not studied chinese in school. Is it my fault that i was placed in SK as opposed to SJKC as a kid? But the thing was, both my PIL and hubby also had difficulties writing my dad's name (my dad couldn't be there that day). Finally, i called my dad to ask him the words of his name, the captain waitress at the restaurant helped to write it out, and it was correctly done!

Having said the above, I'm not abt to revenge at my MIL. Neither am i saying "padan muka" for laughing at me. It's just that, moral of the story is not to quickly jump conclusion to think that a DIL is stupid just because she's unable to write her dad's name, esp when the person laughing at her is not any better than the 'stupid' DIL. I didn't respond to my MIL's laugh, just remained cool although deep inside was boiling... not worth to argue on who is smart & who is not over small thing. But i did complaint to my dad & my dad just told me to ignore the remark.

Maybe i was over-sensitive, but i also realise the importance to be diplomatic with my ILs... but diplomacy sure has its limit. Perhaps need more patience & good strategy in the "game".

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I was taught as a child that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. It appears that the same rule doesn't apply to people of the elder generation. =.=

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i was raised at a home where i see abusive situation and being mistreated, left home hoping that i will be loved......but seeing how in laws treating me, it really make me realise, is there family love in this world? i always remind myself that if i were to build my own family, i wun want this thing happen...and hope i can do so....

yes, i am going to reduce my visit to 3 times a month, instead of every week

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i was raised at a home where i see abusive situation and being mistreated, left home hoping that i will be loved......but seeing how in laws treating me, it really make me realise, is there family love in this world? i always remind myself that if i were to build my own family, i wun want this thing happen...and hope i can do so....

yes, i am going to reduce my visit to 3 times a month, instead of every week

because you grew up in such situation, the more you shouldnt tolerate it anymore as an adult.

if they ask you why you reduce your visit, do something proactive and benefitting for yourself during your spare time. take up language classes or some salsa or anything. you dont have to justify to them, just fill up the spare time with something beneficial. always use the negativity and turn it around into something positive! in the end, you grow as a person, whereas they are still where they are. beneath the rock.

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I have a super lazy MIL. She nvr cook and tidy up the house in her whole life. Everyday the family have take away. My FIL is the one who does all the housework. What she does is sitting infront of the tv set and waiting the day pass. Last wk my hubby and I went back hometown for wk. It was a waste of time for us. the MIL followed everywhere we went. The only time that me and my hubby can spend our privacy together was only when we locked up the bedroom door at night. Somemore she doesnt have a good sense in spending money. She is like a 3 yr old kid. She walked to every single shop and wanted to buy anything fr the shop. Those things that she spends on are keychain, monkey character doll cos she was borned in the yr of monkey, tissue paper, plastic bags and lotta unuseful stuffs. Can u imagine a person at retired age are still buying all those unecessary junks?

My hubby is obese. But still she fed him with a lot of unhealthy food. Everytime we went for dinner surely she will overordered the food and made my hubby finished everything up. My MIL is 4'10" but her weight is 90kgs. She has high blood pressure, diabetic and uric acid but still she takes high caloric food. She likes to eat durian, chocolate and ice cream though she is diagnosed with diabetics.She nvr drink plain water in her whole life. She is has those articificial flavoured drinks everyday. The thing tat annoyed me much was she served artificial drinks to my hubby few time per day. We are planning for a baby at this mo and we are trying to keep a healthy lifestyle. the newspaper showed tat the bubble milk tea from taiwan and those flavoured drinks have a high risks in causing a baby boy borned without proper genitals. there was a case tat a lady who was a fans of bubble milk tea gave birth to a baby boy whose penis tat is about 1cm length and w/o balls. Im very not happy bout her lifestyle.

The house was dirty. She has not been cleaning the flr for few months alr. there are spider webs along the staircase. I can see a thick pile of dust when I opened her cupboard. Seemed like she cleaned her room once a yr only. And they live together with ants in their whole lives. You wont be suprised to see ants in the kitchen 24/7. She nvr fold her clothes in her entire life. She hang her clothes on the trolley out of the cupboard after collecting them fr the balcony.

My MIL is slow. She doesnt speak fluently but still there are ppl who hire her in the travel agency. Anyhow she doesnt respect her job. She doesnt start work tat she supposed to and leave the office earlier. Im pretty sure the company is paying her very low. Probly they wanna ensure someone is there to ans the phone whenever there are enquiries.

Im very annoyed to see her laziness and untidy house. Pity my hubby needs to work OT to give her pocket money every month. She even asked my hubby to pay for the gold necklace and other preparation stuffs b4 we married. Isnt tat supposed to be given by the MIL? and somemore I din ask a single cent from the MIL for the dowry.

The next day after we married she requested me to make her a cuppa tea. I did wat she wanted. Then I met up with a couple of frens who came all the way fr oversea to make it to my wedding dinner. Around 8pm I was back. My MIL locked herself up in the room and cried. She said i din respect her as my own mom cos the whole family was waiting for me for dinner. And she had to take medicine b4 dinner. She made up a big fuzz bout it. Finally she agreed to have dinner with us. She bang my dad's car when she got out fr the car, and din talk to any of us for the whole nite. she was still crying alone when we had dinner. My family had a very bad impression bout her. We found her very childish. My BIL and FIL were so embarresed of her.

The drama continued on the next day. She made up a big fuzz again. She complained I din give her angpao and din initiate to serve her tea in the morning after we married. Again she cried and said I din respect her. I was very furious bout it. She shouted at me but I din give a damn on wat she said cos i pity my hubby very much. He was like standing in between of us. And was upset.

Im very annoyed with her attitude. But thank god she doesnt stay with us.

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I believe nothing work with only one side. I am just lucky that my MIL is an understanding person just my FIL a bit ngam cham.. lol...

Usually if anything that upset me, I will just nod or answering "OH" then walk away and stay in the room until my husband come back from work and talk to him. Of course, not every time. Too much will affect the relationship between my husband and his parent, and i don't like this to be happened. So I kept and forget when happy moment come.

I do my part in what I should do. I will do a lil house work even though they don't need me to do. Basically, my MIL will help me clean up room when i out to work, wash my clothes and even iron my work suits. And I think, by taking them out to dinner in every special festival, buying them gifts on their birthdays and once in awhile sponsor them out to a trip, even left nothing in the bank might will make them happier. I dunno am i doing the right thing or not, but I just want everything to be simply and everyone to be happy, so that i can be happy too.

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dear pandasis, you are very lucky to have such an understand PIL. and im sure u are impressed the way yr PIL brought up his family. MIL cooks, does the house work. not like mine. none of my relative can tahan her laziness though she was here for my wedding for few days. ppl can tell how lazy she is and how 'ng seng mok' she is in everything.

u do appreciate wat yr MIL does for us and im sure she feels tat. and she appreciates what u does for her as well. i see some of my frens who lives with the PIL keep a good relationship with them. they are always together for dinner, travel etc.

i hope this good relationship will keep on. nice sharing with u.

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I am so envy those ppl who are has nice inlaws, treat them as their own daughters or sisters. But unfortunately my inalws are not that nice to any one of " outsiders" not even me to their other part of extend families. If u r rich, they will really jet u like dog. So for me that is reason i dont like to come for their family gathering party! especially CNY!

My mil will keep showing off her younger son's good income, and rich girl that he has ( but the gal not really wants to commit into marry him ) or showing off my sil's sexy dresses or lingerings bought by some " rich " guys.. just recently heard she is a married man's mistress from other states.. the man is here to visit her, buying alot of luxury expensive gifts... I am pissed off their actions.

once i heard my mil even talk to my sil if her bf ( ex -bf) ask for sex give it him dont wear condom if pregnant i will raise the bb for u. WTH a mother could teach daughter like that. So she went to a trip with her ex-bf, after the trip the man gave her an expensive gift cost 6k and ask for breakup. for me to see this she is just a high clss- prostitutes. as my sil always dress herself she is HIGH CLASS WOMAN. even she could wear two bras to " proof" her breast is bigger than mine..... it just makes me laugh! how childish she is! But she likes to make trouble to me too.. as she is jealous i have a tall and just nice body than her. so she keep wearing high heels, whenever i have something new, she MUST have it and MUST expensive or good than mine.

and she always claim those rich bfs are just friends ( by having sex with them, and getting expensive gifts from them. ) she also always said she is supper sexy and pretty, all the man see her sure canot tahan one.. wtf. for me, my sil just a itchy bitch to all the the rich man. i dont care and dont even wants to see her face at house, her face is like u own her millions, and she always likes to look down ppl with lower income. her income just 3k a month. not so high wat. dont know why she so lan xi..

I dont know those kind of attitude how can a man likes. but that is many types of ppl around the world.

The fact my mil knew when anything happened to them, the 2 young children wont take care of them. only me and my hb. but they treat us just like shit. even they have family dinner in expensive places they wont let us know. and they said oh... ur dont have money canot come to join us!! WTF!

but when my fil got into an accident that time, my sil and bil never been to the hospital to take care of their own father , only me and my hb. and tat time my sil wanna to go u.s . for holiday trip( my PIL gave her 30k for the trip) and when the accident happened she kept make noise that she wants to go bla bla bla, dont even care her daddy was in hosipital at all. End up my pil still let her go.

See, how their family's attitude!!!!

My bil is a mummy's boy, eveything MUST report to his mother, so every day he called his mom (my mil) about his daily life in outstation.. i think also that is the reason his so call gf dont want to married him. he is in his mid 30s already!

for those kind of the inlaws.

I treat them well, and respect them well, as my parents always taught me MUST respect the ppl. I never ever shout to them or saying any sarcastic words to them. Recently happened afew thing make me more understand my situation in my inlaw's house, not worth for my effort to spending my time and my money to treat them well, as they will never ever appreciated. they still think u SHOULD do this and tat. N they kept saying ' oo. we treat u very well, we cook for u ( wtf, they cook for everyone not only me ) and we never asked u to clear the house, ( when i was stay with them, they would asked me to do the whole house cleaning while my sil sitting in the aircon room paint her nails, i was like a maid to do this and that ) we never treat u as this and tat la. bla bla bla... All nonsense.

they will never said they are wrong !

in their family NVER have family outing, bcs they sacre i will benefit from it ( like dont need to pay for this and that) and they all gone for holiday they would like to asked us to jaga the house ( l think they treat us like a dog)... and they never buy any gifts to us when they return, and keep saying they never buy anything, but will show off during the family garthering. But if me and my hb go for holiday they will ask buy this and tat, hb said ok, must pay us, then they will change face... saying i teach my hb all those bad things. come on la. they ask for a few $$'s expensive clothes or jewelly.. silly ...last time i used to buy things for them but end up they give it to other ppl and saying bad things about me. ANd now i dont buy anything as u buy or not it same result.

I almost got depression when i was stay with them in the 1st a few years. ANd i insists my hubby to move out. Tat time was really make my life miserable and i cried almost everyday, as my inlaws kept saying negatives and sarcastic words and treat me like a maid. as my mil keep saying when she was young as me she did this and tat. In fact, her own inlaws are dislike her at all, her relationships with her pil and sil, bil are really worst till my fil's older bro stop talking to him for past 30 yrs. even now also never talk to my mil.

I dont understand why when she bcome mil to some woman why she turn this cycle back to let other woman suffer just bcs she is not satisfied with her own relatinship with her inlaws???

why she never think if her own daughter one and the only one will marry a man with this kind of mother, she wont feel heart pain if her own daughter just suffer like mine???

So just let them be, i dont want to get involved all their events ( family events) if MUST , i just go there eat and take my baby back home, will never ever waste my energy to them, as i wont get any respect from them too. it already for 12 yrs long.

i believe in karma.

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i am just very unhappy with wat happen over the weekend. We were having lunch together. There were 4 dishes, and BIL ordered an extra dish. When the extra dish came, thinking that it will be the last dish, and seeing the waiter giving out new plates to replace our plates, i thought "no need la" since it was the last one. So, I asked the waiter to take away the new plates. Then the FIL wanted the plates, and asked back. In front of everyone, FIL said out "stupid" to me. And, BIL just followed FIL in calling me "stupid". I just have to swallow with pride while my hubby assure me that they were joking, but I don't feel good about them calling me "stupid" in the public. just wanted to vent out.... :(

hope in laws will understand that, it is not just us that need put effort in making the relationship work, but they too play a part. If they go out saying things that hurt people and then saying it as a joke when it is not funny, how do they want me to maintain a good relationship with them?

If I were in your position, I certainly would not tolerate this kind of nonsense. We respect them only if they deserve our respect. Calling own's DIL as stupid and then saying that it was only a joke is certainly unacceptable. There are limitations even to joke. You do not joke without boundaries. Everything must be done in moderation. If I were you, I would not vent out my angers and dissatisfaction to my husband. I would straight talk to the person who is directly involved. If you are just going to keep queit and swallowed down your anger, things will never improve.

For me, the best way in maintaining a good relationship with in laws is to keep a distance and to draw a line. And always remember not to get involved in their affairs, be it good or bad. Ignorance is bliss.

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Thanks Prettyhoney, I hope all this could last and able to maintain it well too..

It is sad to hear those bad happens between MIL and DIL just like the old past times.

Well, I'm not good in comforting people, but I think, everything do come with good and bad, nothing is perfect.

Some of my friends actually moved out from the IL's place, and now they are feeling better without living together, apparently, the in laws will miss them too and often call them to go home for dinner. Wonder for most of you that having troubles with IL's family, have you ever plan of moving out? Even just renting?

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