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saelawie

Problems with my mom

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I thought that I was alone too... I'm sorry so many of you have probs with yr mil/mom... I too have always thought of being SAHM but I just dont know if it'll be better..and neither do I know how to be one.

Anyone felt that the world is just going way too fast?

After my 2nd baby, I just feel that I cant keep up with my life.

Non stop work, housework - washing & cleaning, travelling 4 hours to and from from work, taking care of kids, cooking, mom in law diagnosed with Cancer- in and out of hospital, car brake down, babysitter that's not helpful and loads and loads of other problems........to a point it's even affecting relationship btwn hb and me..

I think I'm going to be depressed soon..or maybe I am already depressed... it's really difficult to cope sometimes..sigh..

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Zeroflower,

I know exactly how you feel-I myself had gone thru a tough time early this year & was almost on the verge of suicide (I am not ashamed to say that I went to see a psychiatrist twice). I am also a FTWM of 2 girls (4yrs & 2yrs) & also a full-time daughter to my mum. I work long hours (MNC)-out by 7am & back by 7pm usually. Sometimes, I have to work till midnight to complete some assignments. I need to juggle my time between kids, mum & hubby.At that time, hubby also had long working hours, sometimes outstation/overseas. So, the whole household was practically run by me.

I had to either wake up at 4am to cook lunch for my mum or come back from work during lunch time to take her out for lunch, then quickly rush back to work & rush through my work so that I can leave by 6pm & get home by 7pm to bring her out to pack dinner. Then, I will need to see to my girls until they go to sleep, after that is "mum's" time-I usually spend half hour or so (depending on what time my girls' sleep) to chat with her before she retires (she will be full of complains/grouses).

Then only it is time for me to start housework. worse, if I have brought work home to do-I need to complete my work first then start housework. By the time I finish everything, it is always way past midnight (usually 1-2am). I still need to pump milk (at that time) before I go to bed, then wake up 3 hours later (4-5am).

In between, I also need to find time to shop for groceries, marketing, send laundry (bedsheets), banking, etc.

This was going on for about half a year before I almost collapsed.

Thank god, my husband's job load lightened (didn't have to travel so often) & I manage to switch to a different dept at work that enables me to distibute my workload better.

Anyway, even now, I often feel guilty about how little time I spend with hubby....We have been planning to see a movie together since last year, unfortunately we have still not managed to do so....It's been aeons since we have been to the movies (just the 2 of us alone, I mean).

*Sigh* Don't worry, you are not alone. we are all here to support each other *Hugs, Hugs*

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funny thing is ....our mom is also a women who been through these things before ... sometimes i wonder why are they making life so difficult for us instead of being a supportive and loving mom which we want and appreciates even more.

i too envy those whom i seen have superb relationship with their mom, can talk to them almost everything, ask for advise, be there for their daughter when needed and help out on things.

when i look at my own mom ... sigh sad to say none of the above i can hope from her. Hubby sometimes get so frustrated over the way mom treat me and scold me why am i still treating her so good, buying things for her, thinking about her needs/wants whenever. He gets annoyed that i'm being mistreated by my own mom and instead his mom is treating me better when it should be the opposite way round. Sometimes i pity my hubby too for having take all these nonsense time bomb and makes going home so unhappy.

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Dear girls..

I had a mix feeling reading through everyone's problem with their moms. I am glad to know that i am not alone but a same time heartbroken, because I don't understand why our own mother could treat us like this.

My mom exploded again this morning at 6am. Shouting at my room door, asking me to buy her the train ticket back to Penang. Said no need to buy return ticket because she is not planning to come back, bla bla bla. I also dunno why she suddenly like that because she was perfectly fine before going to bed last night.

I am sick of all these stupid dramas. Damn!

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saelawie,

hard to explain babe.... same here my mom does the same thing. Shout right outside the room door and scream her way around sometimes which makes things so frustration. hang in there ok.

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Saelawie,

Reading your post is like re-living my nightmare. Sometimes I feel my mum & your mum are like sisters-they share so many similiarities! (She's from Penang too....)

My mum also had a very black face yesterday (dunno what triggered it-she looked alright the night before). Because my husband was around & since we were out practically the whole day (family outing), there was hardly any opportunity for her to burst out. The explosion finally happened today. I went home during lunch hour to take her out for lunch (my usual routine)-as soon as I entered the house, she went beserk & started to shout at me (unfillial child, letting her lead such a kind of life when she should be enjoying her golden age, treating her worse than a maid, etc). Actually I could not find any reason for her outburst coz I was earlier than my usual time (she gets really mad if I am late) & I had done most of the housework last night.

She started crying in the car & started to insist I buy her a train ticket back to her house-she would like to have her freedom (staying in her own house, doing anything she likes, can go jalan-jalan anytime, can eat anything she want without depending on me for transport)....

I am really mentally tired of this charade. I am now at my wits end not knowing what to do.....My intentions of her coming to live with me was for me to be able to look after her. Prior to living with me, she was staying on her own (~1 hour drive from KL, I go home only on weekends). At one point, she used to summon me back home at 3am because she was not feeling well (felt like dying, could not breath, giddy, etc). It used to go on like twice a week for 2-3 months, then I could not tahan anymore, I suggested she come & live with me. Of course, she was too proud to admit that she needed to come & live with me. My husband & I had to literally plead with her to come & "help" us as I was almost due (1st child) at that time.

Can you imagine a heavily pregnant lady driving alone at 3am to hometown then set-off again at 6am+ back to KL in time for my work. I still managed to tahan for 2-3 months. Worse thing is, my mum will not allow hubby to step into her home, that's why I need to drive back alone!

Anyway, that was what happened when she was staying alone, now I cannot imagne sending her back home to live alone & me re-living the past again! Especially not now with 2 young kids in tow....Sigh...Life can be soooooooo difficult sometimes...

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Nicole's mom,

Ya, now that you mentioned ity, our moms are really like sisters.

Sometimes I really wondered, what had I done in my past life to deserve such treatment from my own mother.

My mom had once again threatened to go back to her hometown for good. I've just started working for 1 month. So this time around, I am not gonna plead her to stay, she can go anywhere she wants.l She said she wanna find a job and earn her own money, I just think to myself, "go ahead and work, then only you know that money does not come easily"

My husband will be asking his boss if he is allowed to work from home since he is in the IT line. Hopefully his boss is kind enough to understand our situation..

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Saelawie,

Did your mum finally go back to her hometown? I am really upset now coz I just had another tiff with my mum. Actually, i sensed something was going to boil over the last couple of weeks & it happened today.

I was busy with work the last 2 weeks-been coming home late (10pm earliest), not able to take her out for lunch (due to work) & to make things worse, been having my migraine attacks the last 1 week (just collapse in bed every night). So, a lot of housework not done on time, plus I was not able to wake up early in the morning to cook for her. She ended up having a bad bout of gastic (she refused to cook at first & also refused to have bread/oats). She started blaming me for her deteriorating health (complain only the last 2 weeks).

Today, the dam burst & she started yelling & crying at me saying that I don respect her as an individual-she got lots of things she wanna buy & do, but am unable to coz she is like a prisoner in my house. Even public holidays, when she got plans, she is not able to do as planned coz I do not give her any chance to go out. How in the world am I suppose to know that she wants to go out when she does not tell me? Problem with my mum is that she always expects me to "know" what she wants, including what she wants to eat. Now, at the end of the day, she tells me that she had wanted to go to the pasar pagi in the morning but she could not coz I did not send her. Usually, I will send her every sunday morning (wake my hubby up early so that he can stay with the kids while I bring her). Today, hubby woke up late (I never woke him earlier coz I didn't know mum wanted to go out), so we had a late breakfast (9.30am). After that we came home, then don know why, childern fell asleep till 2pm (very unusual). So, late lunch & my mum's face was darker than even the backside of kuali. She started yelling her head off & told me to send her back to hometown for good coz she is suffering so much staying with me. Then she started to condemn my hubby-lazy, good for nothing, sleep late, etc....

I feel really bad when she says such things in front of him coz I really don't know how much longer he can tahan my mum's drama.

My daughter even asked her why she is so angry-nobody was naughty. Her answer to my daughter (her voice bitter & angry) was that she has never been happy since the day mummy (meaning me) was born. I am the reason for her sufferings even until old age.

I really do not know what to do.....My mum has got no one else in the world. She does not get along with her siblings & in fact has completely not kept in touch with them due to a misunderstanding last year. I cannot send her back to her hometown coz she will be alone anyway & I dread to re-live my past nightmare of having to travel down in the wee hours of the morning just because she said she was on deathbed...

Sigh, I am really at a loss...Hubby too is not happy today (understandable), children can sense the unhappiness in the house (such an unhappy environment).

Sorry for my long winded post...I just need an avenue to pur my feelings out.

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Beautifulgown,

I tried to do so at the beginning of this year. I myself went to consult a psychiatrist coz I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. The advise from him was to bring the source of my problem to him, i.e. my mum. But he did warn me that it will not be easy because she being such a proud woman, will certainly not be want to humble herself down & accept advice from someone "unknown". The psychiatrist told me that he will need some time to build up her confidence in him, then only she will be able to accept advice/treatment from him. Anyway, we cooked up a plan for me to bring her see him (along with me) on the pretext of me needing attention. He will then start talking to her & slowly get her to open up (this psychiatrist was very accomodating & understanding). Anyway, the day of the appointment came & I told her that I needed to go xxxx for a doctor's appointment coz I was having trouble sleeping & it was affecting my work, so the company doc wrote a reccomendation letter for me to see a specialist. You know what her reactions were? She gave me cold stare & told me bluntly that only a fool like me would believe the stupid doctor. She said they will probably send me to a psychiatrist & he will prescribe me some anti-depressants & I will be on life-long medication & gonna be labelled "cuckoo" for life.

See, she is too smart for me to even con her into seeing a doctor. I know she is a highly depressed person, even the psychiatrist said, she will probably need some medication at the beginning. I just don't know how to get her to see someone.

BTW, my mum is a highly educated person (she studied in England until she graduated with an MBA-she is so proud of this fact until today) & she held a very high position in a big multinational prior to retirement. So, anything that I or anyone tells her, she will check-up the information from books, news, etc (she is not one who will believe things easily-except gossips-she gets highly upset when she knows someone's talking about her).

Anyway, the psychiatrist did mention some herbs that could possibly help depression-St. John's Wart was one of them. I bought a bottle from GNC for my mum, but she frieked out when she saw it-started her melodrama saying I think she is gila, etc, etc, I am just waiting to send her to an asylum......

So, here I am still stuck battling with this uphill task of mine.

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babe is there anyway you could hire a part time maid to take care of her in hometown ?

i know you want to be a filial daughter but long run its not healthy being like this for you, your hubby and also your kids to be in such enviroment. Forcing her to be with you can do more harm than good esp when she wants to go back. Sometimes its good to have "time out" for you and your mom as well. Each have some space/time of their own doing their stuff then once she calm down or get bored she cud come back to stay with you again.

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From what you said, don't think seeking help from 'specialist' will work since she is highly educated and more sensitive on every single move of yours.

Maybe Skype is right, give both party a time out since she was so 'eagerly' to return to the place where she is most comfortable of.

By the way, how old is your mum? is she likes this before retired?

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Skye & Beautifulgown,

I wish the solution was as simple as sending her home & getting a maid...The problem with sending her home will be that she will be all alone (plus point is-she is free to go anywhere she wants as she is familiar). Here, in my home, at least the grandchildren entertain her a bit when they are back from nursery. My mum loves my elder girl to bits, but will not take care of her alone (she claims the responsibility is too huge for her to bear alone). My mum has been a loner most of her life (spent most of her younger days building up her career), plus I suspect she has a bit of an "attitude" coz she always feels that she is a class above all others & this is one of the reasons why she does not even get along with maids.

She is now in her mid-60's; before I got married, I used to go back to her home every Fri night (no matter how late I finish work), then come back to KL again late Sun night. Over the weekend, I will help her clean house, take her shopping & on Sunday, cook 1 week worth of meals & deep freeze for her to heat up over the week. I have been doing that for almost 5 years. Then I got married, pregnant & I decided I could no longer cope with this routine, so I employed a daytime maid to help her do cleaning. Mum simply could not get along with any of them-my ears will be stinging with her complaints every weekend (she is generally also a fussy woman who likes things done her way). After changing more than 10 maids, I stopped, then decided to invite mum to my place as I was almost due & it was also during that period that she started feeling giddy/breathless in the night (will summon me to her place at 3am, etc)

When mum first came to my place, it was alright coz I was home during confinement, she had someone to talk to her the whole day, etc. Problems started when I went back to work coz she was fed-up of the food (pack from outside daily coz she refused to cook), no freedom to go anywhere (she does not drive), etc.

Now, 4 years down the road, I see things getting from bad to worse-mum is older, with a lot more grouses, hubby's patience wearing thin, me getting more stressed up. Along the course of these 4 years, I have tried 14 part-time cleaners, 3 full-time maids (Filipino, Indon, Cambodian) & incurred more than RM6k loss in agency fees all becoz my mum could not get along with any of them.

I am back to square one now-me being the maid (do housework till midnight after kids have gone to bed).

My mum used to be a confident woman during her high-flying career climbing days & now she is reduced to a grouchy, complaining woman. I strongly believe she should start taking medication, but am somehow unable to convince her. I have tried to arrange for some activities for her, but she simply did not like any of them. Tai chi classes-she complain that the ladies are nosy & not educated. Flower arranging classes in Bangsar-she said the people are unfriendly. Mandarin coversation class-she said she don like to learn languages.

Anyway, I don't see anyway out for me-at least not at this moment.

Thanks for lending me a ear, ladies.

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Nicole's mum,

hmmm .. your mum really not easy to handle.

from the way you talked about your mum, she seems like living in a very comfortable environment since young.

And as what you said, due to her 'high regards and attitude' she hardly has friends or rather to say, no friends!?

If her attitude changed after retired then I can roughly guess why, but if she was like like that the time even before retired then is her attitude matters.

hmm .. since your mum is highly educated, why not let her involved in some 'class-rated standard' charity? I thought of suggesting her to take up some part-time teaching but I don't think is a good idea.

She needs to continue to have contact with outside world, meaning socialise, making friends in her standard level. I believe there are many retirees which is in her standard level around. hmmm .. what is her hobby? maybe you can arrange something that to her hobby?

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Hi dear,

why is her being alone a problem ?

Also, why cant you cater food on a monthly basis for her so that you dont have to cook 1 week worth of dishes for her to reheat up ?

You can hire maid to come 1 week twice for an hour or two just to clean up the house this way yo dont have to drive back every weekend and do all these for her.

Do have a doctor at your hometown which does housecall. You just need to pay her more for it.

Seriously you have been pampering your mom way too much to an unhealthy level where she takes you for granted and doesnt care she is a nuisance to your life. Things needs to be done to "HER" convenience and not everyone else which is totally selfish.

Sorry to say this or sound ungrateful.

To me if she insist/cry/wants to go back. So be it and she needs to learn (even at her age) to be responsible for her own life. Be it getting food, going out, taking care of herself or being alone. Especially if that is HER choice. She is not invalid, neither is she illiterate to do things on her own babe.

She used to be high-flying career where she controls the enviroment, things around her. Now ... she got nothing to control, to make decision on, basically she lost her "goal" in life on what to do. Without the "goal" in life she is just drifting around and in the same time "controlling" you instead.

Get her a dog, ask her to do some charity work like volunteer to teach children on a weekly basis, steer her focus to something else other than just sit around home, wait to go out. I know its easier to say this but there must be a way for her to do something other than sit at home and let ur kids entertain her.

Taking care of your mom is a responsibility but she must also know her place in the house. She needs to know she is no longer in charge and she is making life miserable for you. I cant imagine the stress you are carrying over your shoulder daily babe *hugs* anyhow, hope things will be better for you eitherway.

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Nicole's Mum,

After reading through everything, I think your mom is very lonely at home and i think she is complaining and trying to seek for everyone's attention. To me, she is threatening (or blackmailing) you to go back hometown which I don't think that is her intention.

Since she is so highly educated, why not u have a talk to her privately without your husband around. Talk to her, ask if she really wants to go back to hometown? If she really wants to go back hometown, how would she be able to take care of herself? Plus the house cleaning and cooking part? Also, point out to her that YOU LOVE HER VERY much, but you would not be able to repeat what u were doing when you were single, now that you have a family and 2 kids, you are unable to travel to meet her every weekend, reason out to her that soon your daughter will have to go to classes (like music, art or dance) and you only have weekends to do so as weekdays you will have to work. Plus, in case of emergency.... you are UNABLE TO DRIVE ALONE middle of the night to rush back to see her (side track a bit, I think it's very wrong of you doing so, even when your mom refuse to see ur husband, you should also bring him along, in case she is fainted or whatever at least you have another helper) Driving late at night is dangerous and you wouldn't want to be caught in an accident or something bad luck right? and I'm sure she would want that to happen also.

If I am you, if she insist wanting to go back hometown, get her to agree on getting a helper. If she cannot get along with one, FINE, please get her to find another one herself. Find one that she finally is happy with, because you wouldn't be able to keep searching helper high n low. And make her to agree that at max you would only be able to go back hometown to visit her once a month.

Or give her another choice, if she wants to continue staying, then she had to understand that you wouldn't be able to cope with the current situations. You need a helper to clean the house BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING AND YOU DON"T WANT HER TO TIRED HERSELF by doing the house chores. But she had to be co-operative and close an eye to the cleaner, or else she will be seeing her daughter suffering doing house chores until her daughter needs to see psychiatrist.

To me, i find that she is not used to the fact that she is not your center of attention plus a bit of jelousy? (U hv heard about jelousy from MIL rite? perhaps your mom got partial of those feelings?)

GOOD LUCK! And Be strong!!

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Hi Ladies,

It' been more than a year since i last posted in this topic. Not that my life has been easier or i managed to solve my previous problem. I just "tahan" so that i don't sing the same song over & over again in this forum.

I absolutely cannot tahan anymore today.

I need your honest opinions-should i send my mum back to her hometown & let her live alone? Of late, she has started to "khee siau" again-cry everyday, don't want to eat her food (just peck on her rice like a bird), complain that she is being treated worse than a maid, cry all the time, etc. She tells my girls that she pray everyday to be able to go back to her own house soon. I partly suspect she is stressed over the idea of CNY coming up-she hates to be in my house when my in-laws are here. She feels left-out & feels bad that she need to "tumpang" in my house during CNY when others have got sons' houses to go to.

But i am seriously beginning to wonder if sending her home would be a better option. I did not send her back earlier because i hoped over the years, she would mellow down & get used to being in my home where at least her meals will be taken care of & if there is any emergency, i will always be around. Of course, in return for being here, i also sought her help to take care of my my 2 girls for an hour in the morning-get them ready for school. My husband & i leave for work early-7am, transporter will pick up kids to school at 8. So, between 7 & 8am, my mum helps oversee them.

Then in the evenings, they come back by 5.30. I will usually be back by 7pm, so again, mum needs to oversee them. BTW my girls are 5 & 3.

My mum claims that both my husband & me take advantage of her presence....she came to my house to be pampered by me, not to be a servant.

She has been saying this since the beginning of her stay in my house 5 years back; instead of getting better her complains are getting from bad to worse.

I am now pregnant with my 3rd child. Maybe due to my raging pregnant hormones, i somehow feel that i cannot tahan anymore. I just feel like sending her back to her hometown & letting her live alone for some time to allow her to "rasa" what it is like to be alone again. Last time before she came to my house, she complained of being very lonely, nothing to eat in hometown, difficult transportation (she no longer drove after her retirement). Problem is now she seems to have forgotten those complains...

Problem with sending her back now is that her house will require some amount of renovation (it is an old house-more than 30 years), plus we have not been going back to clean it for the last 3 years. Most of the pipes would have rusted, roof will need repairing, etc. 2 years ago when i asked a contractor do provide a quotation, it was in the region of RM35k to to basic repairs to the whole house (yes, it is quite a big house).

That was the main reason why i did not go ahead as i thought she would at most tahan for 1 year, then will be back to square one again-move back with me. I reckoned at that time the money spent would not be justified.

Now, i am not sure....is the emotional stress i am facing daily worth it?

Ladies, sorry for my long-winded post. I just needed an avenue to let out my steam.

My poor girls are equally confused-elder girl asked her grandma just minutes ago, "Ah Ma, why are you so angry these days? Are you scolding my mummy? She did not do anything wrong, why need to raise your voice at her & cause her to cry?"

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