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Wicky

So dissapointed with my husband

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I have married for 6 years and we have 2 children age 3 and 1. The relationship with my husband has turn dull since 2 years ago. My husband not willing to share his things with me. He just keep everything with himself. When i confront him we will have fight. My mum stay with me in order to take care of my children and i really appreciate my mum for doing this. Unfortunately, my husband will keep saying that my mum is the root course of our fighting issue, which is not true.

My husband is the ego type and not easy to say sorry. He will blame me each time when we fight and i will blame him as well. I really feel dissapointed with him. Each time after we fight, he will treat me as invisible and just play with our daughter. He will not talk to me for many days and wait for me to apologize. As we stay with my mum, i dont want my mum to see us fight and i will just bow down to say sorry eventhough im no willing to.

This year we have 2 serius fight already. I really feel dissapointed. After the 2 serius fight, he told me that he will changed for our family and wont give up the family but ....it just not last long. His old attitude backed and dont talk to me more. Sometimes we will fight due to small small matter. I'm a working mom and i feel really exhausted with our relationship. When im in work, i still need to smile and pretend nothing infront of my colleague, when i back home, i need to pretend happy infront of the children and my mom. Deep in my heart, i really feel sad and hopeless.

Today, i told myself that i need to divorce. I cant go on like that. My husband is 35 and im 32. We cant just fight forever. He will not changed for me and I know that.

What in my mind that how is my 2 children ? Will i able to raise them by myself ? I really pity them and i feel like im just a loser. I have nobody to talk this about and I just wish some one can give me some advice.

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Wicky,

You really need to nail down the root cause of your fights with your husband. It's OK to have a cooling down period after your fights but make sure both of you communicate your feelings to each other after that & come up with a mutual agreement on how to avoid such confrontations in future. At the end of the day, you need to sit down & ask yourself whether you still love him. If the answer is yes, look for a day when both of you are not feeling tensed, then open up your heart to him. Tell him honestly how you feel about him not sharing his stuff, etc - do not accuse (i.e. say "You are always not sharing your things with me"). Try a softer approach, e.g. "I feel left out when I don't get to share some of your things"...

Pls. try not think of divorce yet unless you have exhausted all avenues...after all you still have 2 young kids & I'm sure you'd not like them to grow-up in a broken home.

Having said all this, a leopard will not change his spots; hence pls. do not expect your husband to change overnight. My hubby used to be like that too. He used to find it difficult to apologize & actually use the word sorry, but I gradually drew him out of that habit & now he apologizes easily to me if he is in the wrong. We used to have many fights in the earlier part of our marriage (me partly due to lack of sleep looking after baby, him stressed at work & irritated by my mum, etc) & I used to have the same thoughts as you-just divorce & be rid of the problem.

I believe because we still love each other, we started to communicate more to understand each other better. Nowadays, we don't fight like we used to anymore, although of course we each have our good days & bad days. We always allocate time for communication with each other before going to bed & always make-up during that time (if we had any misunderstanding earlier during the day). It has worked so far & we are closer than ever.

BTW, my mum also stays with me, hence I can understand how you feel about trying to hide your fights from your mum.

Don't worry, find a good time to have a good heart to heart talk with him, if he still treasures your marriage, I am sure he will try to accomodate once he understands your feelings.

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Hi Nicole,

Really thanks for your reply. I know is no good to say somethings bad about the husband but i just need to pour our my emotion.

I really envy that your husband can changed and say sorry to you and able to catch up with you at night or morning after the bad day.

My husband choose to avoid me after we have fight. He choose to keep silence and just show me the black face. It make me feel really bad. Now i will do the same to him as well.

I do understand ppl say i have 2 kids and it is not advisable to divorce but i did not hope my children grow up in unhealthy environment. I can't just pretend nothing infront of the children but in my heart i just hate him ? I prefer we fight verbally and we will know each other better after the fight but unfortunately, he opts for silence protest and everytime i confront him he will say somethings to hurt me more.

I sms him ...no reply, i email him to tell about my feeling also no reply. You know ...my heart really sank into the bottom.

He will prefer to sleep late night around 2am and when he wake up, i already left for works. When he back from work, i dont dare to confront him infront of my mum.

Im now like playing a waiting game. I will wait for his action. If he still choose to avoid me, in another weeks time, i will talk to him about the divorce. I really tired in our relationship.

If you ask me whether i love him ...yes but i really dissapointed with his behaviour.

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Hi Wicky,

It's ok to pour out your feelings here. We are all ready to listen & share our experience.

My husband was also like yours at the beginning-keep quiet & avoid talking to me after our quarrels. Sometimes, we can ignore each other for days & I used to be the one to always make the first move to approach him. Sometimes, we just ignore the problem & pretend like nothing had happened. Things will be OK for some time until our next fighting episode again (which used to be like every 2-3 weeks).

I got fed-up one fine day & decided I will find a day to pour my heart out to him & let him know my expectations. I did just that & we decided that we needed to communicate with each other better/more often. You see, we were too engrossed with our work, me taking care of baby at night (she was a fussy baby), my mum giving me problems, etc to the extent that we failed to allocate time for each other. At the end of the day, we acknowledged that we still loved each other & would like our marriage to work out. We allocate time for each other every night no matter how busy we are & this practise has stayed on till today. We are now closer than ever (we have learnt to communicate & understand each other) even though I was also on the verge of asking for a divorce at one time.

Perhaps you could try to invite him out to a neutral place (e.g. a nice cosy cafe/restaurant) & talk things over. It is best not to talk at home coz it will invoke emotions about your argument & also perhaps not convenient with your mum around.

I wish you the best-whatever your decisions are, we will always be here to listen & lend support.

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nicole you gave a very sound advise.

i'm the opposite, when argue with hubs he is the one who always make alot of noise and i'll keep silent. my reason is i want to avoid arguments further and also i hate finger pointing. i will never be able to argue as loud as him, also when 2 person argue hurtful words will be hurled around which hurts each another more.

when hubs gets angry... its all hell break loose type where anything and everything comes out. All past too... he wont care but will scream his way around or drive like a mad man.

maybe i shd try your way too with hubs.

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I manage to get some talk during the weekend as my mum was not around. He told me that he keep silence to avoid quarel further and i told him that I will like to solve the problem asap.

We did manage to come with out with a conclusion. I told him that dont keep silence, just talk nicely and we will manage to solve the problem. I told him my dissapointment as well.

He told me sometimes he feel iritated by my mum and i feel bad too. I try to be neutral in both party but sometimes my situation is even worse - bcome sandwich.

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I manage to get some talk during the weekend as my mum was not around. He told me that he keep silence to avoid quarel further and i told him that I will like to solve the problem asap.

We did manage to come with out with a conclusion. I told him that dont keep silence, just talk nicely and we will manage to solve the problem. I told him my dissapointment as well.

He told me sometimes he feel iritated by my mum and i feel bad too. I try to be neutral in both party but sometimes my situation is even worse - bcome sandwich.

What have your mum do and make him irritated? anywhere he selfish by this act, he should think in your shoes too.. you are sandwiched between both of them, you are having your hard time too.

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Wicky,

I'm glad both of you managed to work something out. I can understand hubby's irritation with your mum coz my hubby tells me the same thing too. what I do is I try not to trouble hubby too much with my mum's demands (I try to meet her demands myself e.g. run errands for her, send her anywhere she wants to go, etc). My mum also quite "seng mok". She won't dare ask hubby to do anything out of his way for her-she'd rather wait for me to come back from work then "demand" it from me (whatver it is). I always remind hubby that one fine day we will be old & slow too and when that day comes, we would surely like our kids to treat us well. So we must start to show a good example to the kids now.

Anyway, just remind hubby & yourself that you love each other & it takes both to make the marriage work. The saying that making a marriage work & last a lifetime is indeed true.

Skye,

Yes, do try to communicate more with Hubby. In the long run, you will find that both of you are closer than ever.

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