He Can't Make Up His Mind

[8den 0]

I got married to my current husband when I was 22, honestly because I got pregnant. But we weren't strangers as we had been dating for 4 years prior. It's just that we got married sooner than expected due to the baby. I never slept with him during our dating period, it was only a one night spur of the moment thing that led to my pregnancy.

I would say that our marriage life for the first year was great! He was a good husband, a loving father and a responsible individual, who despite a young age, was willing to work hard and bring home the dough.

However, all that changed after our son turned 1. One day whilst intercourse, he suddenly pulled away and wouldn't look me in the eye.

That's when he told me that he couldn't do it anymore.

It would be the first of many times. I didn't bring it up after that incident for the fear of what I would discover.

I have always been a bit big (sized US12) and did gain a dress size after pregnancy that I have fighting hard to get rid off, without much luck.

I contributed the fact that I gained weight and didn't look as I did before pregnancy to be the reason as to why he wouldn't like me anymore.

It's been more than half a year since that happened and our intimacy greatly dwindled, which I find to be such a shame as I am only 25 with much sexual energy.

Not only did our sex life come to a halt, he stopped showering me with kisses, holding my hands, or even talking to me on some days. It really was as though we were housemates, rather than a couple.

I endured through the silent treatment for months, crying practically every night. It really was bad..I was so anxious and weepy, I constantly blamed myself and felt guilt over my looks, how I should be a perfect wife, everything.

After the New Year, I couldn't take it anymore and I confronted him. He then told me that he wanted to move out, it was over, there was no more hope. I asked him for a chance to fix the marriage..perhaps counselling? But he was stubborn. So stubborn.

As our fight progressed and became more intense, a can of worms was opened.

Here are some of the reasons on why he wanted to leave me, verbatim, exactly the words he used:

1. I just don't love you anymore. In fact, I don't think I ever had loved you since we got married.

2. You're fat, you're ugly, I'm not attracted to you, being with you disgusts me

3. You're lazy

4. You don't clean the house enough (note: I work a 8-10 hour job a day, keeping the house clean really is a challenge)

5. You're useless

6. Other wives are better

7. You're a failure as a wife

8. You're a failure as a mother

9. I think you deserve another man out there

10. (suddenly he changed his tone) Actually it's not you, it's me. I'm just not the type of person to commit to a relationship

11. I feel sorry when you pour out so much love for me, when deep down I don't feel the same for you

12. I am not having an affair, definitely not. (vehemently denies having an affair)

13. I sacrificed everything for this family, but no one appreciated it, no one saw what I went through, everyone only paid attention to your pregnancy, what about me? I deserve to be happy and do what I want now.

And the list goes on...

I tried begging, pleading, crying, everything I could..that he would take back all these hurtful things and make things right. But he was stony, cruel...the way he looked at me..ah. i really wished he would physically hit me instead. I would prefer that than the cruel words and the hateful gaze.

I felt like my whole world crumbled in front of my eyes. I had a panic attack, and worse of all..I really wanted to commit suicide. If it wasn't for my lovely baby son, I would have done it.

I finally called my father and told him that I would be moving in with my son, and tearfully, I left the house.

Those few days were torture. It took every ounce of determination not to call and beg.

Surprisingly, he contacted me after a few days and asked to meet for dinner.

There he told me that he was sorry, he asked me to come home, that he made a mistake and that everything will be okay.

I fell for it and moved back in with him.

Things were okay for a few weeks, then everything fell back to the way it was before.

The silent treatment, the ignoring me..everything.

I found myself crying again. I became depressed again. I felt manipulated.

If he really didn't want me anymore, why did he beg me to come back?

I finally mustered the courage to talk to him again..

And again, he told me he didn't love me. I was fat, disgusting and not worthy to be seen around with him.

But the worse part is that he turned around the whole situation to me not letting him go...I tricked him to coming back with my tears and pleading.

I locked him in this hell hole again.

I can't accept the reality that he just hates being around me, especially with me.

The tirade went on again..and again, I cried. I felt hurt, I crumbled, I had the panic attack.

Later that night, he mellowed and gently asked me what was wrong with me? Like..I was the one with a problem.

I am still holding on to him. But I am confused..should I stay? Should I go?

Is he worth staying for? Is this just a phase he's experiencing? Would I be better off without him or should I fix the marriage?

I am a mess. I don't know what to think. I am exhausted, hurt, wounded.

My son adores his father and sometimes I think that I should accept all this treatment for the sake of my son having a "happy family".

I know I jumped in the marriage too soon but I really thought we were happy and that we could make it work. After all the ups and downs we've been through.

I wish he would be decisive. Leave if he wanted to, or stay and really make things work.

It's almost as though he wants me to be the bad guy who walks out on the marriage. Like he's pushing me to leave.

I don't know how long this can go on for. This see-saw, roller coaster of emotions.

I don't want it to drag on anymore..I don't think I can take it. I really feel as though I am going insane.

It's sad seeing other couples my age being so happy and in love with each other. It's also painful seeing how happy and carefree all my friends are. I really feel quite dead and hollow inside.

What should I do? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I know the whole 'stay together for the kids' thing is pretty cliche but I never knew it was so hard to go through.

I don't really have much support elsewhere so I am pretty much on my own no matter what happens.

[saelawie 0]

Dear 8den,

I am sorry that this happened to you.

I usually don't encourage separation but reading your post made me feel that you didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Beauty is not everlasting, This man is a jerk for saying that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore just because your beauty is not up to par.

It has been two months since you posted, I am not sure what is your situation now.

But I would suggest that you move back to your parents with your child. Stay apart temporarily. In the meanwhile, do not dwell over this unworthy man. Go out and have some fun with 1-2 close friends. Show him that you can live your life without him.

There will be two consequences:

1) If deep down he still love this family, he will regret what he ever said to hurt you and do whatever it takes to win you back.

2) If he didn't bother to win you back, which means this man is no longer worth all your tears and it is an assurance that it is time for you to move on.

I wish you all the best and hope you have the strength to go through this.

Whatever happen, hold on to your child. Based on my personal experience, child from single parent has a happier and healthier live compare to a child from a loveless family.

[natalyn 0]

Honey,

how could he say those hurtful things to you??? you were together for 4 years before conceiving and getting married... n he says he thinks you are 'fat, ugly etc'??? all he saw was your outer beauty in those years isit?

i think staying together for the child is never a wise decision.. a child is a sensitive creature and your negative vibes will radiate to him... spare yourself and your son any more hate, hurt and drama. Leave.

your husband is probably immature, selfish and unable to commit or be a responsible husband or father figure.. i do not advocate divorce or separation but i think your husband do not deserve you..

leave and start anew... you are young and the future holds so many possibilities for you... don't throw it all away for a man like him..

take care and start planning your future k... my best wishes to you and your boy..