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tainhui

after ROM...do u consider urself as married or single?

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I think that apart from wanting to tell the world that her daugther is married, your mum doesn't want you to regret anything. A wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime thing so people are at least expected to have a dinner and tea ceremony. Perhaps you can come to a compromise as to the number of tables for the dinner and a small & very simple tea ceremony.

I took the same path as yourself (the whole ROM thing) and I consider myself married. Although I do believe in retaining my heritage, I don't really want to put my shy-HB through the ordeal of having to entertain 300 over people (like my brother's wedding). So we got registered and discussed this with my parents (since I'm the Asian one and my HB isnt') about the dinner. We came to an agreement that we would only have 16 tables max and invite the elders (uncles up to granduncles - no cousins and nephews and all that unless really necessary). I don't have a chut mun AD thingie and neither do I have a tai kam cheh. The tea ceremony will be done just before the dinner for the benefit of my HB's side since they have never been to a Chinese wedding.

I wanted to maintain the tea ceremony because I looked at it from this perspective - the ceremony is to introduce a new member to the family and hereby saying that "hey, look, you have a new nephew/son/etc; take care of him too, k?". To me, it's more than just seeking the blessings of the entire clan. More importantly, I want my parents to be happy for me and happy to have a new son-in-law.

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after my ROM, i do consider myself as married and happy with that status. But i am on your opposite...i wanted a real grand wedding dinner and all those custom to be in...it is just that, I think it is necessary in order to respect the old ones. :) Of cos you can cut here and there to make it simple...but just try not to throw the whole thing at once. I didnt ask for a whole roasted pig, instead just for a piece of siu yuk..no chickens and stuff as all replaced in angpow.

you can make the custom simple, and having a tea ceremony is equally important. It symbolizes...getting the blessing from the old ones.

:)

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tainhui

we should switch parents. :P My parents prefer a low key event and cos I got knocked up before I was married , my parents said just do the ROM and have a small buffet session at their house. Which is fine by me really cos I planned to have the wedding reception until my lil girl's born. Now I keep pestering my parents to invite more of our relatives to the wedding reception next year but they said its far too troublesome and since they already had the small dinner why bother.

But despite not being conformed to the chinese wedding custom I think maybe like wat Meiteoh said, compromise for the tea ceremony. I dont know about others but I think its crucial to have that bit as part of ur dinner/wedding. A form of respect from the newlyweds to the elderly. You are not obligated to throw a big dinner for all your relatives but I think your mom would like the idea of letting people know that her beloved daughter's getting married.

That's what I've always thought a wedding should be. I was really sad that I didnt get to chut mun from my house in Malacca as I felt that my parents would never have the excitement of having a wedding event and everyone coming over to congratulate them. But they brushed me aside telling me that wedding is always about the two of us. Just make sure you go through the ROM thingy and cham char to us the parents and grandparents. That's all. Initially me and my mom was arguing and crying alot on the phone when I kept on asking her why is she so shameful to invite the relatives to the wedding. And its pretty ridiculous that none of my relatives would be coming despite for the fact its a combined wedding reception. But i had a heart to heart talk with her and now she's asking for 3 tables and inviting her closest friends.

So why don't you sit down and talk to your mom? Try to see from her point of view and explain to her abour your wedding plans.

Good luck.

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me consider myself married. but my mom and family dun think so. they considered me as married after i complete all the tradisional tea ceremony and wedding banquet only. even now when i wan to go to hubby's house [me & hubby bought together], my sisters also wont let. they always say 'in few months time u'll be staying with hubby forever, so take these last few months to stay with mom lor'.... i understand both my sis wanna do dat [both of them married] coz they are really close to my mom. but in my case, i see no point for me to sleep at my mom's house as me and mom no cakap one... from small till now. to me my house is just a sleeping place. i'll go back home when it's time to sleep only.

anyway, me and both sis compromised and now i sleep with mom on weekdays and sleep with hubby on weekends/ whenever there's no work. i cant wait for my AD to come.... still got 1/2 year to go!!!

i guess in selected issues, i'll consider myself really married kua.... for eg;

1. married - if wanna stay with hubby

2. not married - when it's time to give angpau during CNY

3. not married - to call in laws 'father, mother, etc...'

4. married - if wan hubby to change all assest and beneficairy name to mine

5. not married - when hubby asking when i wan to convert to christian....

akkkkakakkakakaaaaaaaaaaaa :lol:

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tianhui,

I would think that this is not a matter of whether you consider yourself married or not after the ROM. Of course in the eyes of the law you're married once you sign on the dotted line but this is between you and your mother.

Your mom would like you to go through the traditional marriage ceremony cos in her eyes, you will only be married once that is done. I understand that you find the whole thing to be tedious and tiring but could you not come up with some sort of compromise?

I would think you would do right by honoring your mom's wish of at least going through the 'chut mun' & tea ceremony and maybe arrange for a small dinner. You do not need to invite all your extended family - just close ones and have a small dinner. It is not much of a hassle and you could give your mom her wish to see you 'legally' married.

For your info. this is what I did for my wedding. My wife and I had been dating for more than 10 years and her family has always been badgering for us to tie the knot. I held out as I felt that I need to secure my financial first before getting married. Then her dad passed away suddenly. Her family badgered me to get married within the 100 days of her dad's funeral. We compromised and said that we would do the ROM first within the 100 days and do the ceremony later. That was 5 years ago.

We went through the ceremony only on Sept. this year. We did the 'chut mun' and had a dinner with only four tables for my side of the family. With only my family members and a few close friends. It was a warm and genuinely enjoyable affair. For her side we did a dinner at her hometown a week before the 'chut mun' and we had around 10 tables for only her closest family members - my wife have 9 brothers and 3 sisters. She is no. 13 in line and the youngest. It was also very warm and enjoyable affair.

So you see, it need not be a very messy thing. If you arrange for just your closest family members I am sure you will not regret going through the ceremony at all. My wife's only regret is that her dad could not come to our wedding. Do not let a regret like that come into your life. You have only one set of parents. Is it so difficult to accomodate their wishes? Sit down with them and discuss the issue and your concerns. I am sure they will be happy to do it on a smaller scale.

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me and my husband are considered ourself married after ROM, even both sides of our family.

we've been ROM 2 years, no wedding dinner and chinese marry ceremony. i dont mind about having them, but if not, then its ok for me also.

in fact me and my husband are trying for our first baby. if we have extra savings, then we also dont mind having the wedding dinner and the ceremony things after the baby was born.

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my ROM is early next year and i would consider myself married after that. like yourself i also son't see the point of having a big traditional chinese wedding. The time, energy and money spent for just one day...i don't know if it's worthy especially we don't really have the time and we are staying abroad. i would prefer a gateaway wedding perhaps with immediate family members(parents,siblings) of both side. However our parents didn't see it that way. they have attended lots of their friends' children wedding and always visualize i will have the same, grand thing. my mum even told me how to display photo at the dinner, the need to make childhood videa montage etc...i was like ...hello?...After lots of arguement (esp me with my parents) i finally gave in to them and promise them will hold a dinner but with certain conditions-only 15 tables max and we will have full control of things. It's really a show for them. Part of the reason is that i'm the eldest child and my younger siblings keep pestering me to 'rescue' them (if i do the whole traditional thing, they think they might have a better chance of 'escaping'). Also, people around me kept telling me that wedding is not just about ourselves, it's also about our parents since they brought us up and this is one way to show our gratitude to them, to make them happy... i am confused... anyway i've decided to keep them happy...so there you go...

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it depends on u urself whether to hv a 'proper' wedding or a simple wedding. a proper one will call for tea ceremony, chut mun all the way to toasting ur guests during dinner. a simple one can b done in many ways - getaway wedding aka honeymoon wedding, ROM oni, ROM followed by small party, etc... it depends on how u wan it

as for me, i ROMed for almost 4 years before v had our wedding. everything just come naturally to us, that is to make it 'hou hou tai tai' n if possible, make our parents happy. with one condition, most of the things were to b controlled by us, which means i hv the full power in deciding most of the things (venue, vendors, stuffs to b bought, etc). things concerning groom's side, i only handle things i wanna handle, other things i wash hand. i oso asked my friends n sister to assist me in my weddin preparation. to cut it short, i did my very best to do everything myself.

the reason y v hav our ceremony after such a long hiatus was becoz i embarked onto my post grad studies one year after ROM. so u can say the reason v hav a 'proper' wedding is bcoz v feel the need to answer to the relatives, n give our parents some face. this is especially true as v both r the eldest child in the family.

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My AD just passed days ago, and to tell the truth I feel no difference b4 and after the AD, still feel like "pat tor" ing time.

The difference is only ppl keep on hinting me to get pregnant. Haiii~~~ I supposed that should serve as a reminder that I am a married woman now.

Parents usually would want to have a grand wedding banquet for their children, as it marks their successfulness in raising their offspring, esp for Chinese. They can forgo ROM, but NEVER wedding dinner. Just like my Mom, she is the one who look for the venue, sent invitation, look for PG and MUA, bought wedding favor, etc etc for my wedding banquet in my hometown. My job was to get back there in time, "pang leng leng", and shake hands during the wedding banquet. :D

I think I prefer it that way. *lazy bump*

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To me after ROM, I consider myself legally married. Now it's the time when I have to fill up forms to indicate 'Kahwin' and no longer bujang. It's the time when you must change insurance beneficiary to my husband and his to mine. It's the time to let the office knows so that they can cover insurance and medical for spouse. More benefit. So you have to let ppl know you are legally married after ROM to get all that. Of course in the family eyes you may not be fully married yet but it doesn't matter. What matter is in legal.

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Neither ROM or AD I will owes considered myself as SINGLE! hehee .. I know is not fair to FH :P it was as if like I'm still open my door to the guys out there .. well .. I only considered myself as SINGLE when in classrooms :P I don't want my students call me Madam .. argggg .. I don't like that address :P I prefer them to call me Miss rather than Madam :D

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hi tainhui,

i kinda agree with your point of view. i mean, we do things because we wanted to do it and this is your wedding, and if you're doing the custom like tea, chutmoon, etc just to please your parents / your inlaws, then everything seems meaningless and might cost you a bomb. Some people wants to follow the custom because they like to do it and felt blessed by it, etc. Don't do it because your mom wanted you to do it coz if you do it without any interest, the whole thing will turn out dull and a hassle for you or may not turn out well.

But if you think it's ok for you to follow some of the custom and ok for you to jus sacrifice some to make ur mom happy, then can go for it. Because if you think like this, at least you got the heart to do it and it will turn out to be a memorable time.

That's just my POV. :)

and I will consider myself married after ROM too. But I will go for the reception and custom too. :)

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Neither ROM or AD I will owes considered myself as SINGLE! hehee .. I know is not fair to FH :P it was as if like I'm still open my door to the guys out there .. well .. I only considered myself as SINGLE when in classrooms :P I don't want my students call me Madam .. argggg .. I don't like that address :P I prefer them to call me Miss rather than Madam :D

I had my ROM last few months and AD will be in year 2008. I went for an interview last month, I filled in my marital status as "committed" (I am quite traditional type, I think after we have all the traditional rules only considered real married) Then the woman feel so shock and ask me why so young go get married. I was like... argghhh???? For working purpose, I will consider myself as single first until I had my chinese wedding, then only consider as married. This is because after u married, ur boss or colleagues will think that you have no heart to work anymore. These are the problems that I faced. Honestly, I dunno why still got ppl think in that way. Women that get married have no heart to focus on work. Sigh~ Feel that it is so unfair!!!!

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I am going to ROM in Feb this year but will only have the ceremony and dinner in 1 or 2 years time.

Regardless whether its legal or old fashion, my partner and I agreed that we MUST have the tea ceremony purely because that is when we will receive angpows and gifts from relatives. :-P

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It depends on the couple to think whether this is an issue or not.

16 years ago when I have ROMed.... I started calling my in-laws mum & dad b4 all the ceremonies done. Stayed together even. Wedding was like 8 months later but telling everyone I'm married.

Personally I see nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the ceremonies makes us feel incomplete as a married couple?

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me consider myself married. but my mom and family dun think so. they considered me as married after i complete all the tradisional tea ceremony and wedding banquet only. even now when i wan to go to hubby's house [me & hubby bought together], my sisters also wont let. they always say 'in few months time u'll be staying with hubby forever, so take these last few months to stay with mom lor'.... i understand both my sis wanna do dat [both of them married] coz they are really close to my mom. but in my case, i see no point for me to sleep at my mom's house as me and mom no cakap one... from small till now. to me my house is just a sleeping place. i'll go back home when it's time to sleep only.

anyway, me and both sis compromised and now i sleep with mom on weekdays and sleep with hubby on weekends/ whenever there's no work. i cant wait for my AD to come.... still got 1/2 year to go!!!

i guess in selected issues, i'll consider myself really married kua.... for eg;

1. married - if wanna stay with hubby

2. not married - when it's time to give angpau during CNY

3. not married - to call in laws 'father, mother, etc...'

4. married - if wan hubby to change all assest and beneficairy name to mine

5. not married - when hubby asking when i wan to convert to christian....

akkkkakakkakakaaaaaaaaaaaa :lol:

joeythc, you are hilarious! i love your 5 "selected issues". how nice it would be if we can actually do that!!

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me consider myself married. but my mom and family dun think so. they considered me as married after i complete all the tradisional tea ceremony and wedding banquet only. even now when i wan to go to hubby's house [me & hubby bought together], my sisters also wont let. they always say 'in few months time u'll be staying with hubby forever, so take these last few months to stay with mom lor'.... i understand both my sis wanna do dat [both of them married] coz they are really close to my mom. but in my case, i see no point for me to sleep at my mom's house as me and mom no cakap one... from small till now. to me my house is just a sleeping place. i'll go back home when it's time to sleep only.

anyway, me and both sis compromised and now i sleep with mom on weekdays and sleep with hubby on weekends/ whenever there's no work. i cant wait for my AD to come.... still got 1/2 year to go!!!

i guess in selected issues, i'll consider myself really married kua.... for eg;

1. married - if wanna stay with hubby

2. not married - when it's time to give angpau during CNY

3. not married - to call in laws 'father, mother, etc...'

4. married - if wan hubby to change all assest and beneficairy name to mine

5. not married - when hubby asking when i wan to convert to christian....

akkkkakakkakakaaaaaaaaaaaa :lol:

joeythc, you are hilarious! i love your 5 "selected issues". how nice it would be if we can actually do that!!

Not sure about Thean Hou, but they said if in Putrajaya there will be restriction about dressing.

Since tube dress is too sexy, how about matching it with some shawl? Since you can take it off easily if the dress code is not that stiff in Thean Hou.

During my ROM, I just left my hair as it is and did the basic make up myself, since for me, ROM is only to sign a paper.

:)

I strongly agree ...yeahhhhh........even now ...hahaha...quite a lot ppl thought I'm still single...but up to the condtion lah...

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hihi

i consider myself as married after rom.during paktuo, i aldy stayed with hb n parents in law...so after rom, call them father mother liao...

but if go for interview, sure still fill in SINGLE

haha

cheers

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To me after ROM, I consider myself legally married. Now it's the time when I have to fill up forms to indicate 'Kahwin' and no longer bujang. It's the time when you must change insurance beneficiary to my husband and his to mine. It's the time to let the office knows so that they can cover insurance and medical for spouse. More benefit. So you have to let ppl know you are legally married after ROM to get all that. Of course in the family eyes you may not be fully married yet but it doesn't matter. What matter is in legal.

I agree with you. We are considered married under malaysia's law. Me and hubby starts calling each other's parents mum and dad right after signing the ROM form.

We still do the tradisional ceremony. Marriage is once a lifetime, i want to do something so that when i am old, i can think back bout the wedding and have photos to look at. I feel its too simple if i just marry like that without the usual 'chu men' or when my bridemaids play my hubby and his 'heng dai' when he comes to fetch me during the 'chu men' time. All this will give sweet memory and will sure give me a smile when i think back about it 10 years later

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After ROM, i consider myself as married ...before ROM, i still stay alone because my family very conservative , they didnt allowed me to stay with a guy before married . Now my HB had move to my house which i rent alone . I still call his father uncle ... haha... but he already follow me call my parent Papa & mama... I also dun want big grand wedding... we just plan have tea ceremory & buffer dinner for relative & frens... luckly my parents agree with us because they still remember how hardwork when my sister get married that time..so we just have small tea ceremory... for me small & simple wedding is enuf. ROM means married legally...

an1cEQiag2B0000MDAwOTY5MGx8MTAwMDk5OHNhf

an1cCvJag2B0010MDAzMTBsfDAwMDQ1OWxhfFdlI

ROM: 21/6/08

AD:30/1/09

BS: Tokyo Colour Wedding Centre (Kajang)

PS: 19/10/08

Bride side Dinner: Kuai Le (Taiping)-27/1/09

AD Lunch: Still Looking

AD Eve: Buffer dinner - 29/1/09-Semenyih

http://www.mywedding.com/allyray

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Had my ROM today .. i am MARRIED legally la

But , in the eye of my parents need to go thru the traditional ceremony of drink tea only consider marry .

Personally , i prefer my chut mun' day as OUR MArriage DAy / Anniversary Day as we prefer the date. More easier to remember than ROM date. :P

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