Need to rethink our relationship- I have met another better man

[venice1209 0]

Perhaps it’s time for us to rethink our relationship- I have met someone better while my husband has someone else on his mind as well. I’m so tired of checking on my husband since married (or before married to be exact) as he always has gf out there. I feel sick of snooping, and prying his personal things. It’s unhealthy, no more trust in this marriage already. I just don’t know how to start the talk; hinted him before but he’s smart and leaves no trace. His family will stand for him too. In fact, I’m unhappy staying with his family all these 3 years, yet need to pretend and serve them “humbly” as being a “good” daughter-in-law. I have to take care of his family and take the blame if not doing well while he flings outside? It’s so tense and I have no one can turn to until “he” walks into my life.

However, I’m expecting now. Should I stay married just for the sake of the baby? I think both of us realize that we have to decide whether or not to get a divorce (it is meaningless to continue pretending), just we fear of the potential outcome. On the contrary, I don’t want to contribute to my own unhappiness by not taking action! There are many other roads ahead of me, and it’s time to change for the better.

[beautifulgown 0]

I have a question, since the relationship/marriage isn't a happy one why you wanna get yourself pregnant? don't you know it will make thing more complicated when come to divorce!?

And now you said you have met another better man and he has someone else at outside, then might me to ask, who is the father of your unborn child!? your husband or your lover at outside!? Before you start a new relationship you should settled the old first before you start and now you just make yourself into a difficult situation. I'm sure his family will put all blame onto you especially they may doubt on the unborn child's father and you give your unborn child in a bad name too, the mother was a bad one, pregnant him/her while 'flirting' with someone else, especially to those who don't know the real story.

All the best.

[juanil 0]

Yeah, why would you get yourself pregnant since you already quite sure the ending of both you and your spouse? I don't get it. You surely know whose the father of this unborn child? You should have settled all the problems then jump into a new relationship.

All the best to you too!

[venice1209 0]

I haven't started a new relationship actually, just met someone touches my heart and he's willing to accept everthing of me. "He" makes me feel that I still have other option rather than been trapped in frustrated marriage. I know the baby will be one of the factors when reconsider the relationship. In fact, this is the 2nd marriage for me and my husband. I heard rumours about him before getting married, but I chose not to believe because I never caught it myself. I realize they're true soon after married. Life is not about doing those foolish actions e.g. spying/spot-check my husband, checking his mobile phone, mails and luggage, etc. I want to stop being paranoid, that's not me! I need fresh air in my life.

[Yvon 0]

If can, try to save your marriage somehow. The grass is always greener on the other side. You are the mother of his child. Is it an option for you to move out with your hb? Maybe if you move out and start a family of your own (without IL), you'll have less stress to deal with. Reg your hb's philandering tendencies, I think it's important for you and him to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, especially on how that lifestyle will affect you both and esp your unborn baby. Continuous suspicion, paranoia is very unhealthy in a marriage. There is no more love but hurt and suspicion. Ask him if he is willing to make the marriage work again. Ask him what is truly more important to him. As a pregnant woman, perhaps the first resort is to try to do what you can to ensure the marriage and family stays in tact for your child. Let him know you love him and you want him to love your unborn child together with you. The bottomline is, you need to communicate and talk things through.

[Bao B 0]

Venice, pls don't simply think to divorce esp now u r pregnant !I know u bear whatever for 3yrs but why don't u thk a way to solve instead off divorce ? like the oth say, move out from his family if can or minimum ur time with them ? have a good talk with ur HB ? or u tried aldry but no works ? before u divorce, have to thk for ur bb ! he/she 'll be hurt next time...watever we as adult do, have an impact on kids later ! like oth says here too, if u not happy with ur marriage now, why u want to get pregnant ? no precaution ?

about the new man, even he said can accept everthing but can he promise for forever ? how if he can't ? (touchwood) then what happen to u ?

However, this is my thought, action is in ur hand ! think twice before u take any action.ok ?

[venice1209 0]

He already stated that must stay with his parents before married, and he won’t buy a house. All his siblings are not at hometown, so they rely on him to take care of their parents. If I suggest moving out, they will “lecture” me. I don’t understand why they put the responsibility on me.

Ya, Yvon, I would like to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, but he seems avoiding and denies everything. How to ensure there’ll be no more infidelity after that? It’s just like a cycle.

Bao B, giving him chances and thought children will make him change… Tend to look for “easy” way when feel frustrated sometimes. Both of us aware of those hassle proceedings since we had gone through before, but we can’t just act nothing happened and do nothing because of that, right? In order to keep the family intact, but all of us are unhappy then how?

That’s why I feel so dilemma… confused... Maybe I not really want to be with another man, just want to be freed.

[wsyrinrin 0]

I wonder if there is no such person that u mentioned "touch" your heart would you still insist to file a divorce???

Think twice before you made any decision....

[999 0]

Venice,

I belief that as u r pregnant now and facing the issues u had stated.... Its a bit difficult for u to go tru alone...

U indeed need someone to talk to....do not keep it in ur heart as it may affect ur pregnancy & u...

Here's my thought:-

No one is perfect in life! Therefore, we should accept the imperfections of our love one....

I belief that once u both did love each other that u both decided 3 years ago to be married.

The love may have lessen little by little due to the some aspects in life which changes us when days passed...

I always belief that we should not keep any dissatisfaction / hard feelings with love one; in order not to pile up the problem to become a bigger 1.

As u had mentioned that even b4 u both were attached, you had been suspicious on ur love 1...

so you must have managed to convince urself to accept him as what he are... that's when u agreed to marry him...

N now that u had already have baby belongs to both of u...

Problems should be resolved when u both sincerely wanna solve it.... Face to face and brought up the issues and discussed for solutions and reasons of whats happening...

Do think twice b4 any decision u wish to make!

N wish to a healthy pregnancy & All the Best!

[meiteoh 0]

I have always been a firm believer of this - if your relationship is causing you more misery, it's time to walk away, even if you have children.

In your case, I can't even begin to understand how in the world you got yourself pregnant when you have been miserable in your marriage for the past three years. In fact, I can't even imagine how anyone would continue sleeping with their husbands even after knowing that he has cheated on them. Lord only knows what disease he may give you let alone the emotional suffering that he is putting you through.

If upon discovery (of him cheating on you), you still went ahead and did all these things because you think the tiger will change its stripes, then sorry, YOU just put yourself through more emotional suffering and he just struck the Toto - can still fool around outside while being married.

Ladies, not that I advocate divorce or anything of the sort, but did you guys ever think of what it would be like for a child to stay in a loveless family - to be told that the only reason their parents stuck around and put up with crap is because of you, to be blamed for their parents' unhappiness, to witness argument after argument, and etc? What it would be like for a woman to stay with a husband who humiliates her by sleeping her, who doesn't love her for a child? What kind of a message would you as a mother and him as a father be sending to your child about fidelity, love, respect and marriage?

All my four uncles cheated on their spouses and my aunts walked out of those marriages. My cousins were all young at the time and today, they are super proud of their mums for having the guts to pick up the pieces on their own. And mind you, all of them are still married to their original spouses with the exception of one. Just because you walked away from a cheating prick, it doesn't mean that your baby will grow up devoid of fatherly love OR have a broken family themselves in the near future.

[juanil 0]

meiteoh,

I totally agree with you. It's just that I don't know what should I put it in words to post here. Worry that others might think that I supported divorce. But I'm not. It's all because of what you mentioned above are absolutely correct. No point staying in a loveless relationship. And I bet that the child will not be able to have happy childhood as well.

[bunnyNwife 0]

Same here... I bet it's worse for the kid after seeing the parents argue behind a closed door every now and then. Sooner or later, one of the parents points finger at the kid and blamed the kid for "forcing" them to stay on in such a miserable marriage. It happened to one of my friend and she was never a happy kid.

[juanil 0]

Sooner or later, one of the parents points finger at the kid and blamed the kid for "forcing" them to stay on in such a miserable marriage. It happened to one of my friend and she was never a happy kid.

What?! How can they said that?! What the hell happening to our society?! Blaming the innocent child for forcing them to be stayed together? I can't believe this! It was their own will to be got married by the way! Hello?!

[bunnyNwife 0]

Sooner or later, one of the parents points finger at the kid and blamed the kid for "forcing" them to stay on in such a miserable marriage. It happened to one of my friend and she was never a happy kid.

What?! How can they said that?! What the hell happening to our society?! Blaming the innocent child for forcing them to be stayed together? I can't believe this! It was their own will to be got married by the way! Hello?!

Precisely... this kinda saga went on even she was in secondary school!!

[venice1209 0]

Seem like I'm the 'bad' woman… He is also waiting for me to take the move first, so that can put the blame on me. Who can tolerate there's always someone in between your marriage? I cannot keep one eye closed, and I'm exhausted of spying on him.

Thanks, 999. Before married, I thought it's only rumors. I have no other people can talk to indeed, so release my feelings here. People might comment that they already warned before I got married; since I'd chosen to jump into the marriage again, so serve me right.

MeiTeoh, I do agree with you and that's what I'm considering now. We should never be dependent on another person for own happiness.

Being in our conservative cultures, it's not easy to make the decision somehow. I'm late thirty turning forty, am I too old to start afresh?

[meiteoh 0]

Whether you're too old or not, depends on you. My aunts were all in their late thirties when they went on their own.

It's never too late if you want to be happy.

[juanil 0]

bunnyNwife,

OMG! Really a big hug to your friend there.

venice1209,

meiteoh is right! It is never too late to be happy!

[bunnyNwife 0]

venice.. even u r at your 50s, it's still not too late to find your true happiness!! Your true happiness might be just you and your BB w/o your HB or other man..Stop thinkin bout tht new "better" man. Just concentrate on your prob with your HB and what do you want to do with your BB - abortion (i wont recommend this), raise him/her by yourself (if your financial permits) or give him/her up for adoption.

juanil.. would like to thank you on my friend's behalf.

[CFA 0]

Agree. Camelia (although not a good example) found her happiness in her 50s and also Pak Lah's new wife, Jeanne Abdullah (also not a very good example) also found her happiness at a later stage in life. You have to choose the right path to happiness.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

[b_e_tan 0]

I can understand the feeling that you have to be always the one to initiate the talk or discussion and the other seems like dun care at all. The person who is more sensitive or care is the one that always suffer and too bad normally woman is the one who always more sensitive.

Dun complicate your situation. I know you are tired and exhausted but it doesn't mean that start a new relationship will help. Don't depends on other ppl to be happy. You have to feel happy because of yourself. This is your life and not others. Live like how you want your life to be. You have to know what kind of life you want. Your hb choose to have other woman in his life. That is his life and his choice. But what kind of life you want? Life is just too short for us. Dun ever think of "too late". It's better late than never.

Think carefully and take care.

[juanil 0]

juanil.. would like to thank you on my friend's behalf.

You're most welcome, dear.

[Diana 0]

venice,

You know if I were in ur shoes I'd have left long ago but since ur situation involves an unborn child now, I'd still leave him and raise my child. I'm sure by being hardworking you are able to do it. My cleaner lady that cleans my house back in KL is also poor but she is very hardworking and she has 2 kids. She still manage to get her kids to school and they are not malnourished. Do you have any of your family members around? Maybe you can talk to them about it and see if they can help you in any way?

[bunnyNwife 0]

Msg from my bunny HB:

Just leave your HB if he betrayed you but keep the baby. Thanks him 9 months later for giving u & giving up such a lovely baby. Move on with your new life.. u might/might not find a better man later on but it doesn't matter as you always have your lovely baby with you.

[meiteoh 0]

You know what I always tell my gal friends? If your man friends can tell you to leave that man, you should heed their advice. They know their kind better than we do.

[juanil 0]

meiteoh,

Well said!