What should I expect?

[margarita90 0]

finally i found somewhere i can voice my feelings to someone who will understand my situation. I have a super busy husband, yes he works till late even on weekends. his working days are 7 days a week, no such thing as public holidays or weekend in his calendar. Before marrying him? yes i already know, but i thought that i can go on with my own things to do, coz i enjoy doing yoga and enjoy going out with my frens to meals or drinks. But life after having a baby is totally different. I of course can't afford to go out often with frens at all for meals or drinks. in fact, i have only one to once or twice alone with frens, and just a quick one. I work, and my bb is sent to bbsitter during my working hours. But after work, i have to rush to go pick her up, where got time to meet frens up for meals, drinks or chat? During weekend, i take care of her alone. HB will either fetch me back to hometown(just 1 hour away, so this part im luckier than oxford_bb), at my mum's house, with my mum and sil, but both of them also work on sat, and most times mum go for events, etc, leaving only bb and me at her house alone anyway. The past weekends, I have been left at kl with bb. I don't cook much for myself, I don't know how, but I am going to learn a bit. I cook porridge for bb, so her meal can be covered, but my own meals are not covered. Just last night, I read a book that says, men actually wish that when they come home, the wife is good, bringing him shoes and clothes, the kids are obedient and good, a hot, s teaming dinner awaiting him, and after dinner, just go to shower, make love and sleep. That's the heaven wish of a man when he comes home. But how can it be ever possible in reality? Don't we wives need love and attention too? The day has been hectic with taking care of a demanding child alone at home. I don't have a maid, but I have a part time maid coming in twice a week. But still i have to do the laundry, cleaning up after ourselves, after cooking for bb's meal, after shower, etc. And we had just moved in, into a new house. So a lot of unpacking to do. I have been feeling depressed. But he doesn't understand and just now when I called him, he even asked me not to bother him for this week coz he's feeling very stressed due to work. I only said a line 'don't i feel stressed too?' and hung up. Last time I only had to fetch bb from bbsitter's home to my home in 2 min time. That also bb will start crying half the journey, but anyhow that was only 2 min and still manageable. Now we moved house and the journey has increased so much, it's now 25min distance. Imagine bb started crying at the back of the car, in the car seat, but I have to drive safely anyhow. Last week she had bad fever, and crying badly in car. I tried to console her but she din't care, she was feeling unwell of course, and i think she wanted me to carry and sayang her instead of dumping her at the back there. I finally had to stop my car at the side of road with cars still going by my car, and went down to carry and comfort her. Then I had no one to come help me at all, and I was forced to place her sitting next to my driver's seat, totally unbuckled coz her car seat is at the back, and the front adult paseenger seatbelt is not for a baby. I kept telling her that if she wants to sit there, then she can't move at all. I repeated that many times. and fortunately she listened to me and followed, her normal way would be korek things in the car already. Maybe the medicine that she has just taken has started to kick in also and she was feeling sleepy, so she sat there not moved at all, and kinda like dozing off also when we were reaching house. At home, I just wanted a fast shower, so that I can then manage my child in a cleaner body state. But she would be crying there outside my bathroom door. i wonder how to survive life like this, without a supportive husband. When I see husbands and wives at shopping centres with their children, I feel so envious. But I know that I will never have that kind of lifestyle. If he ever comes home at 8pm or got a day that he didn't need to do work, I felt so happy already and would fast plan for things or outings. But that only happens like once in a month or 2 months.

[janicelly 0]

margarita,

~Hugs~. It sure feels so overwhelming especially when your little one is sick & you are 1 man show. I don't think there's any woman in this world who can be so "perfect" as per what you wrote up there.

I can't help you with other issues but when you are bathing, can you give her something to occupy herself (a book or a toy?). That's what I do when I am alone with her. They will still come & bang the door on & off & I'll just continue to talk to her & say I'll be out soon bla bla bla. I've even shower with my gal watching in the bathroom (desperate ma).

Cooking wise, maybe you can try something simple (steam veggie/tofu/fish with fried garlic/shallot oil + light soya sauce, steam chicken with herbs with wolfberries, red dates, dong kwai) or cook porridge to eat (actually you & baby can share same porridge).

Is it possible for your hubby to work from home during weekends or at night? Since talking to him don't work, maybe you can try to write to him instead. Don't la accused him of not helping but try to list out things that you do & you need help with. Men are *doink*, they need clear cut instructions :/ most of the time.

I am sorry I can't help much but hope you feel better after venting. Take care!

[Enchant 0]

Dear Margarita,

After reading your post ... i suddenly can feel how tired you are, how tired being a mother is ... how tired a GOOD & RESPONSIBLE mother is. Hugs~ for you.

Even though you have known that he would be bz all the time being a busy businessman, its normal to expect your spouse to put family as priority after baby is born. Only 2 of you ok la. But got baby liao ... cannot expect you to cope alone. Why is it only you have to cope and not him also.

Sometimes, i dun understand men. Isnt it the baby is both yours and his? How can he simply shovel all the load of caring a child... HIS child too to the mother and let her handle things on her own, not even accompanying or spend time caring for the baby.

Also, even now, tho men agreed that taking care of children and the house is no easy feat. But, even now i ask them collegues, they still say, hey ... man have to earn n bring in the butter is anyhow still worse compared to taking care of house n baby.

Why they cant understand that woman giv up alot for the family, to take care and maintain the family. THAT is also contribution. We are also earning $$$ by helping them save the money of hiring maids, drivers, babysitters and etc. Hey, we cook, we clean, we drive the kids to school, take care of kids ... all those are no cheap contribution.

And, yet we women sometimes feel bad or sakit hati to spend hubby's money coz is his hard earned money. Even any $$ that was given to wife as allowance or groceries also we will spend for family first.

Haiz ... but anyway, Margarita, sorry i couldnt giv you any good suggestions. But, you & all the mommies here have my respect for taking all those in and take care of family on your own regardless if you are a housewife or working mom.

Thumbs up = )

[gal289 0]

Don't la accused him of not helping but try to list out things that you do & you need help with. Men are *doink*, they need clear cut instructions :/ most of the time.

I agree. We’ve just moved into the new house and I’m the one doing all the cleaning, cooking, mopping, wiping, grocery shopping.. & he? Work, work & work…. when i broke down cos i was too tired from housework he looked innocently at me and said "why didn't you just tell me so" (langsung tak de initiative)

I come from a family where I have a Dad but he’s so busy working that I grew up as if without a Dad, & he’s the fierce type with a temper when he’s frustrated (high blood pressure & hypertension too). When I was in primary, Dad was working about an hour away in Pasir Gudang (we’re in downtown JB). When I was in secondary, Dad was working in Singapore. When I was in college & Uni, Dad was working in China for 5 years- Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou etc. When I started working, Dad was working in Jakarta.

My mom basically single-handedly brought us three up. Mom told me that when dad came home from work, he was so stressed that he refused to listen to the family problems. Mom did the cooking, washing, cleaning, full night shift (especially when we’re having fever)- dad didn’t help with any night feed cos he needed to work. When I was sick in hospital in SIngapore, Mom was giving birth to my youngest brother in JB, luckily I had Dad but mom had no one. My mother was an orphan and my grandparents passed away shortly after I was born.

But the best part out of all that is we’re VERY AWARE of what my mom has done and we’re so much closer to her, something which I felt Dad had greatly lost out on. You can earn money anytime, but you can’t go back in time to replace those lost memories.

Be strong oxford_bb… we gals are hard wired to cope with anything….& live longer too! hehe

If my mom can do that you can too…

Actually I’m still adjusting to “silly-waiting” for my hubby to come home and help me with the house everyday….and I’m still waiting…. I try to be the understanding wife but sometimes the “its-so-unfair-but-what-about-me” monster comes out. As a compensation, I’m asking for astro Hehe…

[davinci 0]

Margarita90

wow..from your story..i also felt tired if i were u.

but if came to tis point.. issit possible for ur hb to change job? i mean compromise for a lesser pay so he can teman u more ?

since u dont have mil or mum to help out..

or maybe ask ur bbsister to jaga ur bb for nite time also? i know it's quite irresponsible to others, but tis is what i would do...

"take care"

[meiteoh 0]

I always feel that a man's responsibility in a marriage and family unit is to help his spouse out in whatever means possible. It is a partnership we are talking about and sooner or later, if you dump everything onto another person, that person is going to crack. We see this all the time in companies - that's why at the office, people work in teams and help one another out. If your HB can invest so much energy into something like his work, why can't he do the same for his family which is more important in the long run?

Before I started hunting for a job, I had a long discussion with my HB and I shared with him my main concern - that me going to work doesn't mean that I still continue to do everything (take care of our home and our baby). He has to help with with care of the baby as well as the housechores because at the end of the a day, if I'm sick or tired, it'll be ultra crappy for him because he doesn't know what to do at all! And he knows this. In fact, when I left Eva with him for the interviews, I had to teach him how to prepare her meals - how many tablespoons of this goes with that and so forth. He said the following as I was dressing to go for my interview:

"You know, if you were to die after leaving the house, like today or something *touchwood*, I'm a dead man."

And that's when I told him that this is why I am always insisting that he helps out. It's a form of protection and continuity for the family should either spouse fall ill, or, touchwood, meet with an accident.

I think you need to talk with your HB and share, not tell, but really share your fears and desires for him as a husband and father. Share with him about your concern of his role as a father towards his own child, that he may miss out on many things and so forth, that you desire a close bond between your baby and him, not just with you. Perhaps suggest that he finds a compromise in that he spends some time having dinner with you and the baby or even just you. You both still need to spend some couple time. This is what marriage is about - sharing and making new memories as well as experiencing things together. If you are essentially going to be living separate lives and doing your own thing, why bother getting married? You might as well just continue to be lovers. No commitment, no expectations. Marriage is different - it requires an effort from both parties to make the change, the make the transition, to help each other.

I don't know if newlyweds are reading this but it's important to talk to your partner about what you expect from yourself and him when it comes to starting a family. Where you would like to see your family unit head off in terms of growth like bonding and so forth. If you're a family person, you'll need to be clear that work is work but time with the family is important as well - no negotiations, no compromise. In my case, my HB and myself are family oriented people - I try to find a job that allows me to spend time with my baby and HB even if it means getting a lower salary, and he tries to keep the late nights to a minimum AND not work on weekends (the weekends for us are especially important coz that's when my HB spends his time with Eva and myself).

[beautifulgown 0]

Mabel,

It happened to my HB too.

Before I'm pregnant I done all the house cleaning whereby he is just somewhere outside the house and once I got pregnant and getting tired I really cannot do all the cleaning and he has to be involved.

It happened 2 weeks ago, while I need to come to uni for open-day and I told him he has to do all the cleaning at home, guess what when I reached home? yup .. everything is cleaned! but he moved all the furniture around too! hahaahha he said otherwise how to clean!? I was like O.o okie okie then I tell him nicely, you don't nid to move the furniture and you still can get it done.

This weekend I need to work again from 10am - 3pm and this Saturday is cleaning day, again he will stay at home to clean the house .. hahaha I hope he will do according to what I told him =P

Really, you need to tell your partner what is your expectation or what you expect from him and you need to keep on remind them, don't expect they will remember all the time. =)

[margarita90 0]

dunno how to say how busy he is. he is under tremendous stress and pressure from job, many times in a year he would tell me that his career is in the stage of life or death, that serious. it's not easy for him to c hange job at all. if he try that, his whole career for that specific path will be gone down the drain, and all the effort so far will be totally wasted. when he wasn't this busy previously, i did assign him simple tasks of washing the slow cooker that was used daily to cook porridge for bb, throw rubbish, hang adult clothes from the washing machine and boil water. I do everything else, of childcare, etc etc. But recently after moving and he's facing a very big challenge from work now, i cover his tasks of hanging clothes, boiling water too. only once in a while ask him to wash the slow cooker. he comes home 2-3pm+ if really late, if not is at least 12am+. very very hardly he comes home 8pm, if he does, i would be so happy, coz he can share in childcare and some tasks, while i can take a good shower without much worry about bb. before moving house, bb watch me showering and she would go around koreking things in the kitchen or the living room, and i risk that she get things falling onto her or she go climb the staircase. so if i dun hear from her,i'd call out her name and she would fast walk to me, and i know she was ok. now that we moved house, it's a little easier as i get her locked in the same bedroom and i shower in the bathroom inside with door not closed. she's bf bb, would sometimes keep making noise want to be bf-ed immediately, very impatient baby, i tried to tell her i'll be done soon or just need a fast blow dry to my wet hair.

with hb's such busy, hectic schedule and the nature of his job, it's impossible to ask him to change. to let bb taken care 24/7 by bbsitter? if you have a child, you will feel 'em seh dak' to do that, coz you'll miss all the fun of taking care and the smiles you will have when you see her achieving milestones like smiling, crawling, sitting, turning over, walking, etc..

beautifulgown, you can consider to hire part time maid, for your case maybe just hire for 4 hours once every sat will be enough. is around rm55 for 4 hours each time only, so should be affordable to you, and wil really make life easier.

[davinci 0]

ya everyone telling me tat if later i got bb..sure i also "em seh dak" ..

but seriously now me & Fh dont even do houseworks.. i dont think we can manage to take care a bb.

since now MIL very very very free...so we will definitely put our bb with her during weekdays if we have one later.

cos i still wish everything will be same ..going to movie, facial, yamca on weekdays w/o worrying on taking care the bb.

Mel,

ya wife shouldnt take up all the works by herself.

haha i got one friend gone thru a life something like tat. ...well she kind of a perfect wife. do everything w/o complain.

but after 1 child..she abit tired jor..even got mil & maid, she still need to take care of d bb after work.

sometimes she will complain to me....how tired she was. beside bb, her mil expect her todo some specific housework everyday also. like those prayers stuff.

so i indirectly advise her hb to help out..cos her hb very free..only bz with football, play games & watch tv most of the times.

eventhough i kena scold by her hb..cos too kepoh with their family life..but later d wife told me her hb started to help on d bb bathing..taking care of d bb while she has shower, etc etc tat really make her really happy with her hb involvement.

now after 2nd child..more hectic. but only on weekend..cos youngest give to bbsister for day & nite. wife complain she cant take care 2 kids at a same time.

but yet during CNY, she complain y life so unfair... her hb can play cards all nites...yet she has stay at room & jaga her kids. lol

[beautifulgown 0]

magarita90,

We can afford that and in kuching, 4 hrs part-time maid is RM30-RM50 =) and it depends on the house type too.

And we actually looking for maid to hire and put at my mother's house as baby will be taken care by my mother, so once we got the maid then .. I think .. everything should be okie? hahaha otherwise I dunno how we two can manage that but HB said it should be alright, otherwise get part0time maid once a week.

Ops .. off thread oled =P

[oxford_bb 0]

Dear all,

sorry for no time updating....cau finally everything clear...he is with the girl.......im going to dirvoce with my hb...initially im suffering in d dilema but now im fine and happy cau i learn to appreciate what I have now....i really thanks HIM and HER....i learn to know HIM "original" as early as possible before I have more kids in future.....

Just sharing with all jie muis here, in this world we cant deny tat have so "unmoral" girl!!! Initially this girl still with his stayed bf and now "i step 2 boot", I also dont know my hb "jampi" by HER or wat.....he had made final decision and find the lawyer to dirvoce with me....actually my parents in law and I have put effort try to solve this pbl but still cant work since my hb very determine in his decision.

[margarita90 0]

oxfordbb, im very sad to hear this..I hope you are fine, and be strong!! we all here support you. initially you talked about how honest your hb is to you, but it still happened. i wonder if all his words previously could be trusted, or he finally gave in to the fat, white rabbit in front of him. He said he didn't have affair with other women that he has seen all these years, but that might only be because there wasn't so much chance and time to be with them. This time is a young gal in his co. itself, see everyday, and indeed the time that he see her everyday at work, is more than seeing you at home!! come to think about it...

I have read a book before "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley. In it, it talks about the 5 most basic needs for each of men and women. I find it very accurate and real, and can relate to myself, and other cases I have seen. Not that I want to do a post-mortem of your case, but just want to share what I read, so we all can try to keep in mind and try to do something about our relationship all the time, and know what is wrong when something seems to be wrong. In it, the 5 most basic needs for men are:-

sexual fulfillment

recreational companionship

an attractive spouse

domestic support (best if don't need him to do household chores)

admiration (proud of him)

Of the 5 above, I think you don't even need domestic support from him, coz you got maid. Recreational companionship, you did accompany him to futsal last time, but it was him who dropped it. But even my husband would say that I should learn a little bit about the profession he's in, or get a little interested or know what he's talking about, about his profession, or the things that he's interested in. I shared the book with him, and even asked him to fill up the questionaire at the end of the book, that he can rate, the importance of each of the 5 to him, whether or not his spouse got fulfill or not, etc..from there I could see which things are most important to him. He did deny that sexual fulfillment is not most important to him though, hehe..but I said he lied la..where got men not interested in sex one...He also wishes that I admire him more..but I said in order for me to admire him, he also has to fulfill my basic needs too(that's what i read from the book, and saw that it really applies in our relationship, and could see the light, why i couldn't admire him, if he can't fulfill my needs of attention and love from him).

Hope from the short list, you can see the light of what he really lacked of in the relationship. The book stated that it must be coz one or more of the few needs unfulfilled that they will long for something else and when see the other person got that much deprived quality that can fulfill that need of his/her, that they jump right on into the wrong path, and got affair with that person. I read an example that says a man had to work 2 jobs daily to fulfill their family financial needs, back home, he's terribly tired already, but his wife who took care 2 kids at home alone, asked him for simple, and little help around the house. He didn't like it, and started to stay away from home. Eventually he hooked up with his colleague, who is an overweight woman, a divorcee with 6 kids!! the fat woman cook nice steak for him every time he finished work, and after eating the nice steak, they make love and go to bed..of course, the woman put her 6 kids to sleep first, prior to the time the man came every night. Finally his wife got to know about it, she tried hard to salvage the relationship but to no avail, even turning up at his office to have sex with him, but still failed to salvage the relationship. Finally she filed for divorce. At this moment, the other woman, thinking that she had won the man's heart, finally showed her real self. NO MORE nice steak awaiting him every night, and she asked him to help around handling the 6 kids!! The man got shocked and fast withdrew himself from the affair relationship. When he went to counsellor, the counsellor asked him why he liked the fat woman? He said 'I do love her!'. The counsellor said 'Come on, she's OVERWEIGHT and she got 6 kids!!'. The man finally realized that he still loved his wife..I forgot if he did try to patch things up with his wife and whether or not he succeeded. This example depicts that the guy was deprived of the need of 'domestic support'. When he saw another woman who can fulfill that, he jumped right in, totally forgetting all the other basic needs.

I don't know if your hb will ever come to realize that his crush with that gal is only temporary, and it's only because 'ghost cover his eyes'. But as long as you are happy with your decision, go ahead..We all here will surely support you..Take care..

[happi 0]

oxfordbb, so sorry to hear the latest news, take care & be strong {hugs}.

[meiteoh 0]

oxford, big hugs to you! Do take care and if you need to talk about things, you know where to come/who to look for. *hugs*

[beautifulgown 0]

oxford,

Big hugz to you.

I'm sorry to hear about this news but I think it is a great release to you. Do whatever you can to protect your right and your child.

*Hugz*

[bunnyNwife 0]

oxford, time to move on and no point trying to salvage the marriage when your HB's heart has gone to the girl. All ji muis here will give you full support. If you need someone to talk to (personal or legal), do PM me. I went thru similar experience few years ago save for I have no kids back then.

[SaNDy Sibu 0]

oxfordbb,

I'm so sorry to hear abt it, u must take care & be strong

We all here will support your decision........{hugs}