HB having close female frens

[RainbowChaiHong 0]

[Siow fui 0]

I personally cant accept. I wish ask my hb face to face and tell him how i feel. To me, both couples should be frank to each other and always telling the real feeling.

[mhyap1 0]

rainbow,

eh... what happen ar..? why delete the post 1...?

[gunh 0]

ya... why missing?

[lilyrosey 0]

well it depends.

if he got close female friends before we met, i can accept this.

and if he didnt and after we met then he started to have close female friends, that is a different situation already that i cant accept.

[RainbowChaiHong 0]

thanks for all your replies. i was just a bit upset. i wonder am i over sensitive or what. actually i asked him before. he just told me they r frens. i saw his hp keeping her photo last time. they know each other before my hb know me. u know wat my HB told me? he told that she is lesbian. and this woman, every time she has prob, she will call my hb. and of coz, my hb know i am around, he will reply or answer cooly over the hp. call u back.

seem like all of u r not agree with ur spouse having an opposite sex as good fren. so, any suggestions u all have for me?

[stpeiyee 0]

if the good female fren of the spouse knows how to behave herself, it shud b OK for them to continue the friendship. but if the lady in question alwiz touchy with hb, of course, such frenship will raise an eyebrow, as where will all these touches lead to?

as for ur case, i do doubt y he needs to keep her photo in the hp. if he keeps lotsa photos to tag to the contacts in the phonebook, it shall b quite ok. but out of so many frens, only her photo inside his phone, then it will raise an eyebrow n rings a bell in my mind. n i do think dat ur hb dun wan to make u unhappy by talking to her in front of u. that's y he said he will call her back in front of u. i do think that ur hb is quite sensitive to ur feelings.

i suggest tat if ur hb meet up with her over a cuppa of tea, u joined them. tell ur hb it's ok for him to talk to her over the phone in front of u. u wun eavesdrop (of course u will - but do it unnoticeably, pretend to b busy or reading or watching tv, etc), make him feel that u do trust him wholeheartedly.

i hope my suggestions will help. just sharing my 2 cents of worth

[wye_ee 0]

hmm... if my hb has got close girl frens i wouldn't mind. although his doesnt have much girl frens but his closest girl fren i'd say is his ex. they do keep in touch occasionally, both of them will drop each other with calls once a while, to update each other on their life. and when she's in town, they'd go out for a drink. sometimes hb do ask me to go along but i'd say maybe u guys would have some old story to talk abt and u guys might feel kekok if i'm there. so i better stay at home or call some of my gfs out for a drink.

and it's the same thing for my hb also. although i do not hav any ex, but i do have quite a few close guy frens. and some of them even call me late at night to chat and gossip around. and me n my guy fren does go out alone jalan jalan, hav a drink, go for a movie. :P my hb is practically fine with it.

and after the phone calls and outings, me and hb will update each other on what the phone call is about. yes, we might not tell 100% abt the call but i'd say mostly 80% coz we do respect each other's privacy. and we tell each other not because we feel obligated to do so, but because we want to. i guess the point i'm trying to make here is that the most important essence to deal with this in the end of the day are trust and communication. :)

[lilyrosey 0]

i cant accept in your case. it is not right when there is a girl, whenever she got problems and call my husband (or boyfriend) up. we have our own lifes. and she has hers as well and need to go on by not clinging to somebody's husband or boyfriend.

there was a time when my husband's colleague, she obviously likes my husband, and she told my husband that her boyfriend cheating on her. and there was one time, she called my husband that she was going to kill herself. and what they heck she called my husband but not her boyfriend? something wasnt RIGHT!

my husband scolded me for that girl. we querrel for that girl. i asked him to stop, and he kept going and lie to me.if he really loves me, he wont do anything to hurt my feelings and he did. for a girl... :(

my life was a hell during that time. that my husband and the girl made my life so miserable.i tried to trace her boyfriend, to have a word with her boyfriend, but not success (i have no money for investigator). i even called to the office to talk with the girl. i was a mad women that time, i never felt like this before. coz i have put so many efforts and money to build this lovely family and house. that everything was going to be disappear.

so many things that i cant finish to write in here. im not here to scare you, but i want to tell you my experience. that there are girls who are willing to do anything to spoil your relationship with your husband. my husband was finally letting go of that girl and quit his high paid job. and it took us 2 years now, to re-build our relationship. i know he was very sorry for what he did, and i gave him a second chance. lesbian is not always a lesbian,and you can tel someone you are a lesbian but in fact you are not( i hope you get me). you need to find out and be frank with each other. because she will be a threat between your husband and you.

by the way, i just found out the girl is pregnant and was married to her boyfriend (the one who cheated her) last saturday. but i wasnt happy, coz marriage is not everything. trust is everything. good luck

[beautifulgown 0]

FH doesn't have much female's frens (no in contact) and I have a lot of male's frens that still in contact. Once in a while I will go out with them or 1-to-1 to coffee shop for chat at night, but I will let FH knows who and where I'm going to. So if his frens, siblings saw us at least he will not get shock and will know how to response if they ask him.

I know some men will try to find excuse to cover his wrong act, like .. we are just friend, we are just colleague, she nid my help, I dont' really like her to call me, bla bla bla .. but in fact he is willing to be there for her although he knows nothing can be happened unless he lets it happens.

Trust is one thing, but the temptation is there so it depends on your man whether he can push the temptation away or love to be in there. Actually it is not only apply to men, but to women too. I have a lot of male's friends, the temptation is there but I push it away and I make the line very clear, you are my male's frens not my spare or I'm not your spare. We nid each other, help each other but just only for our friendship and not more than that.

If you try to stop him from contacting/connecting with that woman, you will either success because your man has no intention to go further or fail and yet you pust your man to her, because you are partly to urge him and show him that you are not generous and he found that, that lady is more suitable for him.

Relationship is fragile .. really fragile. At this moment, the relationship was good and sweet but on the other hand, he has someone at outside and willing to give up this family to another one. To me .. I will hold all properties in my hand, if anything happened to the relationship, I'm not rugi and he will bring nothing to be start a new life with the new woman.

I always told my female's frens, remember to have a share (legal sharing) on all the properties, that is to protect yourself.

[lilyrosey 0]

beautifulgown

i truely agree with you~temptation, that my husband totally fell for it. but i think mostly women are more stable than man. im so proud of the way you deal with your male friends. you are so right. ever since, i started to have my own savings. the house was already in a joined names from the start.

[beautifulgown 0]

lilyrosey,

But at least your HB has came back to you and the family. I know some man cannot resist on the temptation, some like to have occassional flirting which is no harm for the family but some is serious flirting till they lost their family.

As a woman, we have to noe how to protect ourself and children (if we have), nothing is more real than properties, money!! Once something happened, only those things can protect us. The new house is under my name, I will have my own saving (will still contribute some to the future family), in every two years, he has to give me free trip to overseas, every year shopping in KL or Sg. Hahahah .. it is our deal :P

[lilyrosey 0]

we dont have any kids yet. after this happened, it was really very hard to live together within this 2 years time. i felt like giving up but i do still have feelings to my husband, and he kept convincing me that he changed and want this family so bad. we have been together 7 years at 11/07. things happened when we were 5 years together.

wow, your husband is so nice,treating you for shopping and overseas every year. very happy for you.

lilyrosey,

But at least your HB has came back to you and the family. I know some man cannot resist on the temptation, some like to have occassional flirting which is no harm for the family but some is serious flirting till they lost their family.

As a woman, we have to noe how to protect ourself and children (if we have), nothing is more real than properties, money!! Once something happened, only those things can protect us. The new house is under my name, I will have my own saving (will still contribute some to the future family), in every two years, he has to give me free trip to overseas, every year shopping in KL or Sg. Hahahah .. it is our deal :P

[laiyie 0]

Frankly opinion, there is no such term of " Man and Women could maintain pure friendships!" in my dictionary.

Perhaps, I am the type of more to aggresive.

I won't let my FH to have a close female friend!

He could have female friends, he could hang out to have a drink of whatever,

but under the limit there, not one-to-one basis,

and of course, not over my base line !

Nobody could know what will happen in the next moment,

may be this moment there are really friends only,

but who can gurantee they won't build up others relationship later!?

And, when we come to this topic,

I could imagine another similiar condition,

what if the close female friends of you FH/boyfriend is his ex?!!!

my own experience, his ex trying to become his close female friend...

call him, ask him out, ask him to go to her hometown,

sharing her personal story with him...blar blar....

the method i use to resove the relationship,

I try to talk with my guy, calmly,

analysis with him all the incident that had happend,

share both of our opinions,

and told him what I felt,

of course, a clear message to him, where is my base line.

--> But this step normally wont able to solve anything,

but at least, my guy know clearly what am I think about it!

And, of course, my aggresive attitude is:

"If he think his close female friend is more important than me,

not worth for me to do anything to maintain

this relationship with him.

I will let him go."

this is the most dangerous step that I ever took.

Frank advise: never ever use it unless you're prepare for it.

The worst result if this sentence come out is,

relationship might broken......

[meiteoh 0]

I think at the end of the day, it's all about security - how secure are YOU about your relationship? Trust and communication is part of getting to the point where you feel so secure about yourself and your standing in his heart that you don't even need to think about the question. After all, if your partner is the kind of person to cheat on you, then why are you even with him or getting married to him?

Personally, I don't really care if my HB has girl friends - don't get me wrong...I wasn't like this all the time. As a matter of fact, I was very worked up in my previous relationship; my ex had a huge thing for his best friend who happens to be a girl and my security + attempts to solidify my place in the relationship made it easier for her to step in and create problems. I learned a very bitter and painful lesson about jealousy and insecurity. While people may say that getting jealous is normal, having a green-eye monster is unhealthy for your relationship.

My HB and I have this belief - we are where we are today because of how well we know each other, to the point of even finishing sentences/thoughts. If we were to cheat on each other, it is because we failed to grow and get to know one another and that is not anyone's fault but ours. And that has yet to happen. Also, if we can cheat on each other, then truly, it is better for everyone that the relationship ends because ultimately, if a person cheats on you, they don't really love you now, do they?

I think being an independent and secure individual helps in keeping the green-eyed monster away. Some of the gals here are very confident and that is because they know that they are actually good women who will never be short of partners and companions wherever they go. A break-up would perhaps be a loss for their current partners should it ever happen. Give yourself more credit and more worth than you usually do. Because as cheesy as it sounds, a lot of the ladies I've met are truly one of a kind - if your man cheats on you, he is an idiot...not you.

So don't get hung up over what-ifs. Concentrate on making the present great so that the future you fear will never happen.

[stpeiyee 0]

hmm.. not this thread evolved to hb cheating on the wifey or bf cheating on the gf.

my stand - i can't accept all this. if a lady fren is truely just a female fren, it shall b fine. but a lady who claimed herself as a lesbian may not alwiz b a lesbian. i hv read many cases about bisexual lesbians. n the lure of flesh is often too great to b ignored. not to mention when the seducer is someone who happened to b an ex of our partner, she know him in n out, n know where his weak point is. n able to formulate n strategise her seduces accordingly.

trust is vy important in any relationship to make it secure n last.

[CFA 0]

Allow me to give a guys perspective. It is true that a man and a woman can never be just "good friends" unless the man is gay.

Allow me to define by what constitutes a "good friend". A good friend is someone whom you meet up regularly for lunch/dinner or drinks, someone whom you call when you want to chat or to console you when you feel troubled. This will imply that there is a special bond between the two of them and if the man or woman is married and shares such a special bond with another person other than their spouse, its not too healthy.

In these cases, prevention is always better than cure. Married people should know that they should not spend too much time with the opposite sex as such time spend can cause special bonds to be formed without even them knowing. Once the "special bonds" are formed, its difficult to break and often, the parties will deny the existence of such "special bonds",either because they are really ignorant of such bonds or wish to preseve such bonds.

However, both the husband and wife should always maintain their own circle of friends even after they are married and there should be a certain level of trust. Meeting with a member of the opposite sex say once evert few months to catch up, to me, is okay, as long as the wife is aware of such a person and/or has met the female friend before.

Wifes should always trust their husbands and the other key word is communication.

[beautifulgown 0]

FH trusted on me and I never take that as an advantage. I have my own friends, males and females. Sometime we do lepak together at night and FH is aware of that. I have a very close male's friend which FH oso knew him. As long as this friend came back from Sg, we will surely meet up and chat for whole night, sometime we even chat in msn if he is free.

I always feel that temptation is there, it depends on how you control yourself and your mind. Trust and communication is one thing but yourself is another. The only person that you need to control is yourself. Like FH puts his trust on me, so it depends on me now, the temptation is there if I don't control myself, who can control me? my FH? ahhh .. I doubt, I always not under anyone control only myself. If I don't want to control myself, then I will have spare bf beside my FH.

[CFA 0]

my sincere advice is that if u feel that temptation is there, its best to avoid. You can say that u can control yourself now but what if your feeling weak and vunerable. I have seen many "good people" fall because of this. Start of as friends, spend time together cos of work, start to talk more personal stuff and next thing, both of them are in love.

There was an article which stated that, if you have a problem , dont share it with any of your friends until you have shared it with your partner. Cos why, when you feel that this particular "friend" can always console you and so-on, you will share more and more problems and issues with this friend and less with your partner.

Call me old fashion but that's what I believe as a guy.

[mhyap1 0]

Allow me to give a guys perspective. It is true that a man and a woman can never be just "good friends" unless the man is gay.

i used to have the same thought too... but now i beg to be different... i have a really close guy friend who is also my best friend. and wait. he is not a gay... we have known each other for more than 15 years and well, there is no "temptation" exist and there is no "chemical" between us to be a loving couple. now we still console and share with each other problems though not as frequent as how we used to be. some might think our relationship is unhealthy. but for me, as long as i didn't cross the boundries then it's fine with me. by the way, our relationship have evolved to be more like siblings... :P

[lilyrosey 0]

totally agree with you :)

my sincere advice is that if u feel that temptation is there, its best to avoid. You can say that u can control yourself now but what if your feeling weak and vunerable. I have seen many "good people" fall because of this. Start of as friends, spend time together cos of work, start to talk more personal stuff and next thing, both of them are in love.

There was an article which stated that, if you have a problem , dont share it with any of your friends until you have shared it with your partner. Cos why, when you feel that this particular "friend" can always console you and so-on, you will share more and more problems and issues with this friend and less with your partner.

Call me old fashion but that's what I believe as a guy.

[tainhui 0]

Allow me to give a guys perspective. It is true that a man and a woman can never be just "good friends" unless the man is gay.

i used to have the same thought too... but now i beg to be different... i have a really close guy friend who is also my best friend. and wait. he is not a gay... we have known each other for more than 15 years and well, there is no "temptation" exist and there is no "chemical" between us to be a loving couple. now we still console and share with each other problems though not as frequent as how we used to be. some might think our relationship is unhealthy. but for me, as long as i didn't cross the boundries then it's fine with me. by the way, our relationship have evolved to be more like siblings... :P

mhyap1,

i am also the same situation with u. just fren--very very best fren. he always ready to b there if i need him and yet we r just fren. when he was is US, i can call him n cry to him, n he will call me when i need him to my listener. i really treasure this frenship.

he is still single, within these 4 years, i saw him changed 2 gf dy, now in the middle of courting a girl. i m happy for him. i hope he will find the girl tht really treasure him , value him and most important love him. his previous 2 ex-girls i also know them, i have to say it is their lost tht they let my best fren slipped away from their life. my best fren is the guy tht i consider him as a very high quality bachelor. haha u must b wonder y we never b couple, both of us do agree tht it was bcoz of wrong timing. when he was wif some one , i m single. when he is single, i met the guy of my life- my hb. but dun get me wrong, i never regret the decision i make today bcoz the only person i love is my hb, my best fren will be my best fren forever. nothing more than tht.

[lilyrosey 0]

its really depend on how you think.

[tainhui 0]

ljamie: for me , i can. but like lilyrose said it depends on individual. :)

haha but i duno how our frenship will b after he married in the future. anyway, our frenship will b there, but how is it no one know lo, just hav to wait n see.

[wye_ee 0]

Allow me to give a guys perspective. It is true that a man and a woman can never be just "good friends" unless the man is gay.

i used to have the same thought too... but now i beg to be different... i have a really close guy friend who is also my best friend. and wait. he is not a gay... we have known each other for more than 15 years and well, there is no "temptation" exist and there is no "chemical" between us to be a loving couple. now we still console and share with each other problems though not as frequent as how we used to be. some might think our relationship is unhealthy. but for me, as long as i didn't cross the boundries then it's fine with me. by the way, our relationship have evolved to be more like siblings... :P

same goes to me! i've got two very good guy friends.. one since secondary school, A and another since uni days, B. A and I are close to the extent that even though i don't say anything, he knows it straightaway that something bothers me although i'm putting a big fat smile across my face. we both have partners that time and our partners knew that we are close friends way before they even existed in our lives. being from the same hometown, whenever we are free, we'll come out for "tea session" during the evening, and chat anything under the sky. hb, bf then, wasn't really happy with it, but i made it clear to him. "i don't expect you to cut off your friendships with ur gal friends, so you shouldn't do the same to me too. we should have our own circle of friends too. after all, they are the ones who accompany me when you are miles away studying (yes, that time we were in LDR for 2 years where i see him only once a year when he's back from summer break). you're still the one i turn to when i have problems, but sometimes it's good to have different opinions. that's what true friends are for, to support one another through happy and sad days."

when i reach uni, i've befriended B who is now one of my closest guy friend. he's a superb guy where you can really talk to him anything under the sky, from uni dilemma & probs, to what to wear for prom night. he even can accompany us girls to the lingerie department!! sometimes when we go out, i can cling my hand on his arms. and he'll go "u not scared ur bf scold ar?" i told him no worries...you're not even a threat to my bf... :P and B goes " <_< celaka... i'm still considered leng chai ok... (bising non-stop)"

and when i told my bf what B said, bf said "hahaha...tell him no worries. he cannot threaten me one... hahaha"

everytime after the outings with my guy friends, hb will ask "how's A/B? still the same job? got change gf ar? bla bla bla..." and i'll update him on how those two fellas are... and sometimes their probs too...

and this is exactly what hb does too... whenever he meets up with some old gal frens (one of which was his 1st gf), he'll be telling me about his gal frens stories.. from dating time to now married already.

i guess it's the trust & confidence that both of us have in each other and ourselves that brought us even closer day by day, from bf till now as my hb. we both just cant imagine having to cut off our friendship with opposite sex just because either one of us are married. why we can be close friends with opposite sex before married, but have to refrain from what we used to do after we're married? it wont be fair for both of us and our friends. as long as our love for each other is as strong as ever, nothing will tear us apart. :)